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A little too much | Shawn Mendes one shot

by Ilham


Stay away from her he was warned.

She wasn't wanted.

Every where he went he would always find a group of people gossiping about Cara.

Cara-

That was her name.

Beautiful and elegant.

Just like her. He mentally shook himself.

It was wrong to think about her like that.

His friends would tie him up and feed him to the dogs if they knew that he was thinking about her.

He wanted nothing more than to go up to her and try to have a conversation with her but he was afraid.

Afraid of being an outcast.

What, like her? He questioned himself.

Would that be so bad?

Would being an outcast be so bad if it meant he could have a conversation with her?

No.

He groaned.

Cara was a 17 year old just like himself. However unlike Shawn, she was a social outcast. No one wanted to go near her, let alone speak to her.

And those who did would be told to join her.

Not that anyone ever tried.

People treasured their spot on the social ladder too much to have it all thrown away by a girl.

Nerds included.

The lights went on in the room opposite to his.

It didn't help that the protagonist of his thoughts lived right next door to him.

They've been living side by side for 10 years and naturally that meant that they were bestfriends.

Keyword being 'were' Shawn groaned again.

Why was all of this so hard? He looked up as if directing his question to the lord of the world Himself.

He wanted nothing more than going to her balcony and knocking on her window.

Like when we were kids.

He smiled to himself and then sighed.

She's being doing that a lot.

Causing him so much confusion although she didn't know.

After pacing back and forth in his room he made his mind up.

This is it! He was shivering and goosebumps were shaped all over his body.

But it wasn't because it was cold.

Carefully, he climbed onto her porch and caused his hand to form a fist.

He posed his knuckles so that they were ready to knock on the glass.

I give up, I don't care about what anyone else thinks anymore Shawn thought.

He was sick and tired of seeing the girl he liked - no loved - being treated with such disrespect.

I just want to comfort her.

A sob cut of his trail of thoughts.

Her weep brought him back to reality.

He wanted nothing more than to assuage her sadness.

So he raised his hand into a fist again-

And knocked.

A few minutes of silence passed before he had to knock again.

Just to be sure she had heard him.

A shuffling noise came from inside and then silence.

Slowly the door to the room was opened, and Cara was carrying a bat.

Didn't know you played baseball he mentally laughed.

Cara had always hated sports.

She was even afraid of swimming when they were 6.

A lot change over 3 years.

All traces of happiness had gone.

How did I let her get away for three years?

"Why are you here?" asked Cara, drawing him away from his thoughts.

Again.

"I heard you cry." he shrugged simply.

She raised a perfect eyebrow.

"You've never cared before, why now?"

She hadn't even bothered denying that there she was sobbing earlier on.

He shrugged again.

"Can I come in?" He was nervous that her reply would be no. After all, he was the one who had neglected her.

"Sure." she had replied to him but he could tell that she wasn't doing so out of respect for him.

She opened the door wider to let him in.

And he went into her room with a shocked expression on his face.

"You clearly didn't come here to make conversation with me, otherwise you would have done that three years ago." she was stood facing him, arms folded. "So what do you need?"

"What do I need?" Shawn was confused. He had no idea what she meant.

"Yes, don't play dumb with me Mendes. What do you want?" His mouth was now wide open. "Money? My homework? Using me as a punching bag? Carrying your school stuff?"

She had stunned him into silence. He didn't want any of those things. Shawn genuinely wanted to speak to her.

"Well?" her foot was now rhythmically tapping on the floor.

A clear indication she was getting impatient with him.

Then catching onto what she meant, he let his mouth run wild-

"Nothing Cara! Just because I came her after 3 years to speak to you doesn't mean I have never wanted to speak to you or that I've never tried. I was warned against it okay?! And seriously? You honestly think I would come here to just take something of you? Didn't it cross your mind that it was because I wanted to? Seeing you devasted everyday in school made my stomach drop. I care for you okay Cara, I want to be there for you and I don't really care about what anyone else thinks in school, I just want to be able to talk to my bestfriend again."

She had yet again caused him to be silent as he felt a sting in his cheeks.

She had slapped me Shawn had thought she had slapped me...

So why wasn't he surprised.

"Don't talk to me Mendes, don't you dare! I have suffered three years of torture and not once did you step in. Now all of a sudden you want to speak to me?! Bullshit! Fucking bullshit!"

She had now broken down and sat on the floor, her legs pulled up to her chest.

"Oh Cara," Shawn sat on the floor and pulled her closer to him. After a few minutes of her sobbing and struggling against his strong hold, she had given in. "Don't you see, I love you. I have always loved you. I was just too much of a coward to tell you. I'm so sorry that you had to endure all of that. I am so sorry that I didn't do anything. But I can change all of that, and make sure you're not alone ever again if you let me."

After thinking his words through, she had nodded.

"Okay." she said quitely.

And together they had just sat there silently till her breathing became even and she had fallen asleep.

Carefully, he had carried her to her bed and gently pulled up the covers to her chest.

He then kissed her on the forehead.

His form of a thank you for forgiving him.

"Shawn?" came a quiet voice as he was about to walk outside to her porch.

"Yes?" he asked turning to face her.

"Are you sure?"

Knowing what she meant, Shawn nodded and gave her a quick smile before slipping out of her room into his own.

Of course I was sure he inwardly replied to her question It just took me 3 years to figure that out.

Later that night, Shawn couldn't sleep so he had decided to bring out his song book and started writing.

That had always helped him to relax and calm his mind.

Thinking about Cara and her struggles, he began writing the lyrics to his song titled 'A little too much'

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,

But you gotta realize that soon the fog witll clear up,

And you don't you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,

And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much.


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173 Reviews


Points: 9984
Reviews: 173

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Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:34 am
donizback wrote a review...



Happy review day, dude. Welcome to YWS. I am sure you'll have a great time here. This is a great site!
Well, I am here for a review. Brace yourself. haha

Two things, I'd wanna talk about before I get any further, are:

1. The title!
The first letter of each word, in your title, is not capitalized. That's not how it works when you write novels or even poems.

2. The structure!
Don't hate me but this is a really poor structure you've given to your novel. Too much space and paragraphs. Every other sentence was a paragraph! That's not how it should be.

Time for nitpicks.

Cara was a 17 year old just like himself.

A comma after "old".

and naturally that meant that they were bestfriends.

A comma after "naturally" and it should be "best friends".

After pacing back and forth in his room he made his mind up.

A comma after the word "room".

Her weep brought him back to reality.

This is grammatically wrong! Try to change the sentence as a whole here.

Yes, don't play dumb with me Mendes.

A comma before anyone's name. That's a rule!

Your long paragraph has so many errors. I don't even know what to pick and what to not. Please pm me and I shall look into it for you later.

The last few sentences also were kinda blur to me so I really won't nitpick all the stuff because I am not proofreading it.

The idea was good. I liked it. The problem was the implementation of it. There were so many punctuation and grammatical errors - way too many!
You can always message me to proofread your stuff. I hope the review was helpful.

Keep writing and never give up on it. Good luck.




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Points: 1273
Reviews: 4

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Sat Apr 18, 2015 7:16 am
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Birdy wrote a review...



My first review on here... please bear with me.

To be honest with you, the only reason I clicked on this story is because I noticed that, for the most part, the title doesn't have capitals.

He wanted nothing more than to go up to her and try to have a conversation with her but he was afraid.

The fluency in that sentence feels off to me. I feel like a comma could be used between "her" and "but," or maybe you could even get rid of the "with her" part and replace it with a period, making "but he was afraid" into another sentence.

What, like her? He questioned himself.

You capitalized the word after the question mark. Capitals mark the beginning of a sentence (they do other things too), so to me it sounds like you italicized a dependent clause then started a new sentence with an independent clause. This can easily be fixed by removing the capital after your question mark.

They've been living side by side for 10 years and naturally that meant that they were bestfriends.

I believe "bestfriends" is two separate words- "best" and "friends." Please put a space in between them.

Keyword being 'were' Shawn groaned again.

This one sort of confused me. I assume you were trying to have Shawn think, 'keyword being were', and then groan again. But it came off as Shawn thinking 'keyword being were' and then groaning it. Which, by the way, is impossible because groans are drawn out sounds and not forms of speech. Maybe you could try: "'Keyword being were.' Shawn groaned again." Okay, that doesn't have a super great ring to it, but you get the idea.

He wanted nothing more than going to her balcony and knocking on her window.

Since this is in past tense (and because it is grammatically incorrect) it should be more like "he wanted nothing more than to go to her balcony and knock on her window."

Causing him so much confusion although she didn't know.

Sorry, but, you've either come up with something original here, or it isn't right. This sounds off to me. I think it's the "although she didn't know" part. "Although" sounds plain wrong where it currently is. I have no doubts this is an answer to the sentence above it, and I can see how this could have sounded perfect in the moment. But maybe try rearranging the sentence? "Although she didn't know, she was causing him so much confusion." That doesn't sound right when put with it's surrounding sentences, though. What I would do, is change it to something along the lines of "she's been doing that a lot... unknowingly causing him confusion."

Carefully, he climbed onto her porch and caused his hand to form a fist.

I don't think "caused"is the right word here. "Caused" would be better off used like this: "carefully, he climbed onto her porch. Uneasy nerves caused his hand to form a fist." But that isn't what you are trying to portray. You're saying he formed a fist to knock on Cara's window. So the fault in this sentence is the word "caused," which isn't the correct word to pull from your bank right now. I'd have used "willed" instead- better yet, I would've left that verb out completely and instead have written, "forming his hand into a fist."

A sob cut of his trail of thoughts.

"Of" seems like it should be "off."

Didn't know you played baseball he mentally laughed.

This feels like it shouldn't be one long sentence. Either "he mentally laughed" should go before the first part, or you could separate the clauses with a comma between "baseball" and "he."

"Sure." she had replied to him but he could tell that she wasn't doing so out of respect for him.

The fluency would be better if you completely cut out the "for him" at the end.

She had slapped me Shawn had thought she had slapped me...

Maybe a comma and a period? I think it would make it sound better. "'She had slapped me,' Shawn had thought. 'She had slapped me...'"

So why wasn't he surprised.

Grr, this bugs me so much! I don't know if I'm missing something, but in most stories on the internet I've read, simple questions like this don't have question marks! Clearly this is a question. Shawn is asking himself why he wasn't surprised! If you were to not include a question mark, it should be "he wasn't surprised."

"Okay." she said quitely.

Did you attempt to spell "quietly?"

Of course I was sure he inwardly replied to her question It just took me 3 years to figure that out.[quote/]
A huge run-on sentence awaits any who read this sentence. Commas and periods are useful for dividing speech/thoughts and actions. I'd change it to "'Of course I was sure,' he inwardly replied to her question. 'It just took me 3 years to figure that out.''

Thinking about Cara and her struggles, he began writing the lyrics to his song titled 'A little too much'

That title needs to have capital letters! And where did the period go at the end of the sentence?

But you gotta realize that soon the fog witll clear up,

I'm guessing that "wittl" should be "will."

Other than mistakes like those, my only other concern would be some odd sentence placing. What I mean is, sometimes it seems like you threw in a sentence at the wrong time, a sentence that could have been placed earlier in the story. It may just be me, but you might want to have a look at that real quick.

Hopefully my first review was somewhat helpful to you! ^~^





Resistance is futile.
— The Borg