Dark Whispers - Prologue
I never thought that I was somehow special or different from the people around me. But just one day changed it all. The day of my sixteenth birthday, that only day changed my whole life and I learned the truth about me.
Kyra my aunt, well I thought she was my aunt for the past years, she's been with me since I was born that was the only truth she ever told me.
Kyra was one of the guards of Zeus(the ruler of Gods), he my own grandfather didn't want me on the Olympus I was an unwanted child an accident of Goddess Athena and Titan Oceanus. He took me away from my own mother she only got to give me a name Leah Eva Brown.
So for the past sixteen years Kyra forgot to tell me or wasn't allowed to tell me that I'm a God or a Goddess whatever you call it, and that I'm pretty powerful, yeah go me.
Immediately when my powers showed up Kyra went all crazy and spitted out the truth, I thought that she was joking but after she showed me her powers, yeah I just had to believe her.
And now I'm on my way from sunny, warm New York, America (I have to say that grandad, Zeus I mean picked out a good place for me to live in) to cold and rainy England. I'm moving to a school for kids like me, Rockmount Academy. Kyra is going to be a teacher there. Yeah, my life is well turned upside down.
End of chapter
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139,661 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh, well this is sounding oddly familiar...but hmm despite the somewhat cliche start to proceedings, it is a pretty nicely done opening here. It lets you know sort of exactly what we're heading into and gives you just enough info to infer that something interesting and mysterious without slowing the pace down by taking time for longer explanations.
Okayy well that one seems a little handwavy there. I loved the way you started things with the rather mysterious sounding moments, but here we just seem to dip into a little too much straight up telling us what's happening and it breaks the pacing a bit and the immersion seems to be taking a bit of a hit here. I think this bit needs to be made a little more subtle here.
Well the ending seems to carry on in that same vein and I feel like it ends being a little bit meh here. There was a nice sense of mystery to start, but then things just got to a point where they were being spelled out to us a little bit too much here. I think you need to perhaps look into making things seem a little less in that fashion because as it is, it takes away from the mystery and intrigue of this piece.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Phoenix here to review.
I sort of agree with Esme.
This is telling, a common occurrence in prologues. You could take this time and make all this information into actual story. I'm guessing you told this back-story because you have a lot planned for the actual story. If that is so then you can take this expansion and make a series. Take your time with telling the story and don't skip over anything.
So far the voice of the character is interesting and she definitely has a defined voice. A lot of first person stories I've read don't show enough variance in a persons thought process. I think you did that very well.
Being that this is in the romance section I'm guessing that a romance will take center stage later on, but I have a question about that.
Are you writing a Fantasy story that has love as a subplot or are you writing a romance with a fantasy subplot.
The difference may change where this piece should be located.
Anyway good luck with writing this.
Hello!
Die, prologue (blurb?).
Seriously. Fantastic plot – if I read it on the back of a book, I'd pick it up most definitely – but as a reader, I'd kind of feel cheated, you know. All this that is stated, all this information, it does fulfil its point, it carries info through. But it's a shortcut, and so I repeat: cheater!!
This would make a wonderful Chapter One, ev stretched on at Two (mm or more?), depending on how it's laid out. Normal girl, finds out she's not normal – that her grandpa is Zeus! And all else that the prologue kindly informs us (speaking through clenched teeth, here). This is action! This is cool interesting, wonderful and fantastic, don't make it backstory! Kyra's character would be immediately expanded (she seems a very nice one: went all crazy and spitted out the truth – but seeing it is usually far better than finding sthing out second-hand!)
The reader's presented with something already accomplished, deal with it. Well, I protest! I object! I sincerely do, unless this is Book 2, in which case I rest mine in a very deep grave.
Oh, I did like personality peeking through (comment about California) and how her name was sneaked into the piece. But my point still stands.
Very nice plot,
Esme