Published September 28, 2011
The light fades and the sun starts to set,
millions of wings patter as the butterflies fly off into the distance.
The colors dance together into one canvas of sky,
and the trees sway with the quiet breezes of dusk.
That night burnt into the back of my mind,
I can still see the way you smiled at the stars.
As the wind played through your blond locks,
your laughing filled the darkening night.
The moonbeams lit your face as you stared,
but they could never match how bright your eyes were.
I remember wanting to hold your hand,
but I couldn't tell how you felt.
Hearing the voices speak to me;
"Tell her, Tell her," almost made me say it.
I still see you walking away that night,
while the only thing I did was whisper.
And the wind carried those hisses away into the dark,
but if you listened closely you could still hear it,
and I always wonder did you listen?
Could you hear me whisper: "Rachel, I love you,"?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,225 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hi there!
I'll start with the nitpicks to get them out of the way:
- I love the idea of the butterflies here, but there's just something about the "flies fly" bit that bothers me. Could just be my opinion though.
-First, these voices are telling you to ask her... ask her what? I could've imagined for myself except for at the end when you say "Rachel, I love you." ... They just don't seem to go together. Perhaps you could change the "ask her, ask her," to "tell her, tell her," and I think that would fit better.
Anyway, onto the content.
I loved it. It had some awesome emotion and imagery incorporated into it, which really made it believable and heart wrenching.
Overall, it was brilliantly written.
Hope I helped, and happy writing
-Briggsy
wow. We've got quite the romantic! This is adorably, amazingly, awesome!
"The light fades and the sun starts to set,
millions of wings patter as the butterflies fly off into the distance.
The colors dance together into one canvas of sky,
and the trees sway with the quiet breezes of dusk.
That night burnt into the back of my mind,
I can still see the way you smiled at the stars.
As the wind played through your blond locks,
your laughing filled the darkening night.
The moonbeams lit your face as you stared,
but they could never match how bright your eyes were.
I remember wanting to hold your hand,
but I couldn't tell how you felt.
Hearing the voices speak to me;
"Ask her, ask her," almost made me say it.
I still see you walking away that night,
while the only thing I did was whisper.
And the wind carried those hisses away into the dark,
but if you listened closely you could still hear it,
and I always wonder did you listen?
Could you hear me whisper: "Rachel, I love you,"? "
- Great use of sensory, and imagery, and just overall effect, great job!
-Little Lion Woman