Young Writers Society

Helluuee, Demoness here and I'll be giving you my opinion on this piece.

And I'll begin with saying.... WOW!

This poem is so powerful! You've used such great imagery and I love the sympolizm with the shadow and sun! For a love-poem this was quite epic!

I must agree with Cailey though, I do think you should split the text into more than one stanza
And I agree with Monster that "Stark" sounds a bit off and to begin with I thought it made very little sense but then I read it again and I really think it's great!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I have to admit, I agree with the comment above mine. This confused me so much! I actually wasn't even sure if this was supposed to be a love poem. I read it, and I really liked it, the flow of the words and the poem itself sounded amazing. However, I didn't understand it. It seemed rather distracted. You start out talking about the sun hiding shadows and beauty hiding the ugly, etc., then you start talking about a guy, and how much you like him. And you end by wanting the sun to leave and wanting to run. Maybe this had a deeper meaning and I just am not smart enough to get it. Anyway, it really was confusing to me. And I think it would be easier to read if you had at least one stanza break.

Hey! First off, welcome to YWS. Next: a bit of a reality check. This poem made very little sense. For example:

"From the things that were less stark."

"Stark" makes no sense here. Or:

"Stop! Stop! Please, for my sake.
Let the clouds cover the sun.
Let the shadows swallow my heart
So I can finally start to run."

You were just talking about how much you love him. This makes very little sense as well. Honestly, I'm not trying to be harsh. You have lots of potential as a writer, and it's great that you tried writing a poem-- some people shy away from the very idea of poetry--but this wasn't all that great. Post some other stuff! You have lots of talent.

--Dreamy

Great poem!! love the symbolism!

Great poem, really creative and I loved the symbolism. WAY less typical than the average poems that are posted pretty often (no offense intended to anyone...) Unique and beyond average. Keep writing.

DING DING DING
Acceptable love poem award goes to: Ignacia!!!! WOOOOOOOO Check some other love poems I have reviewed. You will see what an honor this is.
In the tenth line "just" and "can't" need to be switched around, or "just" needs to be eliminated.