Young Writers Society

Hey, poetry normally isn't my thing, so my review might not mean that much to you.
It seemed that you were rhyming every two of your lines together until the very end. I'm not sure you meant to do that, but if so then I think that was a very smart idea. It's like you were escaping from what you had set upon yourself, no longer rhyming like you had intended at the beginning of the poem. This whole poem seemed like it was just the story of escape, which for me is a new way of getting a message across and I kind of like that, since in a way it's another form of escape. The only thing that really bothered me was the structure of this. Some of the words didn't quite fit with what you were saying and you capitalized the beginning of every line despite there being no commas. I guess I can't really say anything about that though, since this is a poem of escape you can do anything you want with this. Just a little side note though, some of the lines didn't really have any significant meaning to this poem or her escape.
Sushi

You have got some reviews already. And now I am going to make some criticism.

The content of your poem is pretty good. I appreciate the narrative approach you employ. Simply putting a comma after every line isn't any requisite of a poem. Divide the poem into small stanzas. It will help you keep the reader from getting bored. The rhymes wherever used are nice. The poem lacks rhythm(metrical scheme). Punctuation needs some work.
Like "How could she escape the cruel lady,
Who made herself to fade," should not end with a comma. There should be a ? or ! here.

"Telling the stories then didn't last," I guess there is some typo error here.

What was the boy doing out at middle of dark night? I am confused about it.
I actually want to tell you that you should consider these little points while writing or editing your works. I like the choice of title and the overall story. By the way, who is that girl in the poem?
Considering your age, the poem is really good. Keep striving to do better and remember the teeny tiny points the reviewers tell you. You have got talent, don't let it rust. I am always with you!

Hey hey hey! 567ajt here, and I have just arrived for Review Day. Your poem is the first I will review today!

So, let's get down to the nitty-gritty and look at this poem of yours!

Her hair was twisted into a braid,
She sat there thinking of what she craved,
It occurred to her that it was a book,
She longed for a hot cup of tea,
That she could talk and could be free,
How could she escape the cruel lady,
Who made herself to fade,
She worked for her all day and night,

The thing that made it bearable was the terrible fright,
She felt like she was alone in this world,
She wanted a friend she could share with the grief,
Her mind felt twisted with the dread,
All she wanted was a fresh piece of bread,
She looked out of the window,
She saw what seemed like a tiny shadow,
The girl screamed for her right,
Even though it was the middle of a dark night,

A short heighted boy noticed her,
He seemed like an angel,
He looked at her and said to wait,
He just wanted to break the gate,
He came back with a wooden spare,
Then broke the barrier she couldn’t bear,
The first time all she had were tears of joy,
Only because of the little boy,
The world outside was more than she imagined

She had a little friend to accompany her,
Even when the days passed she sat with him,
Telling the stories then didn’t last,
She had now everything she possibly needed,
A friend, some books and a garden with fragrance,
She never thought that the freedom would come,
But now she sat with a smiling face,
All she got was what she craved.

Hello, I really liked this poem of yours. It had a narrative approach and i like poems that narrate stories.

What I like about the poem:

1. The first line of the poem may seem insignificant, but I feel it was a good way to draw attention of the speakers.

2. You stressed on what she wanted badly. It's really good as it made your poem long and gave it depth.

3. Your poem was like a story.

4. Mentioning that she needed someone with whom she can share her grief was very important and an effective way to enhance the poem.

5.You described the escape very well.

6. That fact that the boy told her to wait brought realism into the poem. The poem didn't seem a hero rescuing a poor girl but a brave and intelligent boy doing so.

7. I liked your ending.

Things i didnt like:

1.By saying book, it occurred she wanted a specific book. maybe you should have deleted that line from the poem.

2. The rhyming scheme of your poem was not clear.

3. There was less rhythm in the poem. As in some lines were short, some were long.

4.the line :

'the girl screamed for her right'

wasn't very nice. It seemed you are forcefully trying to rhyme words.

5. It was not clear what problem you were trying to tell the readers.

6. The identity of the boy was not very clear.

7. You should have had stanzas in your poem.

But overall i really enjoyed reading your poem.

Good work, keep writing, best of luck!!

Cheers,

Shiksha!

Hello! I really enjoyed your poem-I like the way it tells a story and it creates some good imagery too.

One thing that confused me slightly was the rhyming pattern-I couldn't really see a pattern but that might have been intentional so yeah (I don't do rhyming in my writing).

Maybe you could vary your punctuation because, although you are actually using some it is mostly comma after comma so that could be changed.

Also, maybe you could arrange it in stanzas instead of one block-it'll just make it easier to read and look nicer (as with one of my pieces).

Well done, overall I really enjoyed your poem!

Thank you!

tiggpanda145

Hi Idrinkink! Here to review your poem.

I really like how this told a story. I've always been fond of when poems and lyrics tell stories, and I think you executed this very well. I quite liked the imagery made, it wasn't too much and too little. Even though you didn't use the most sophisticated language, I thought this was actually rather effective with telling the story. I could almost imagine it being told as a a story. It sort of reminded me on 'The Little Match Stick Girl'- not to say you copied anything, it's just the same sort of style which is really nice.

Okay, now i know this is free verse, but I thought the random rhyming wasn't so good. I think if you are going to rhyme in a poem, you have to make it more consistent so that it flows better. Right now it just seems all over the place. Most people aren't really a fan of using rhymes in poetry as they think it's quite baby-ish, I have different views on this and think that it can be effective and would be in this poem too when executed correctly.

Secondly, I didn't really like how there were no spaces. Again, I know this is free-verse, but it just made it hard to read and sore to the eyes. The actual content was really good, but because it is so long, I think it could do with a few line breaks. This isn't just to make it look pretty, but think it can also help with giving dramatic pauses in the right places. This could really add to your poem, when you think a pause is needed then perhaps stop the line.

Overall I did really like this. You've used some fantastic imagery which was really lovely. I think you might want to take a second look at the layout, because right now it really isn't working (for me, that is ). I hope this helped, PM me if you'd ever like anything else to be reviewed!

Keep Writing!
-Arc x

Welcome to YWS!

This poem is great and the title fits well with the poem itself. I love the ideas you put into it and enjoyed reading the piece. There are a few little things that you might want to consider doing differently:
A poem uses the same grammar as any other form of writing, so instead of only having commas at the end of each phrase actually treat them like sentences.

For example:

Her hair was twisted into a braid,
She sat there thinking of what she craved,
It occurred to her that it was a book,
She longed for a hot cup of tea,
That she could talk and could be free,
How could she escape the cruel lady,
Who made herself to fade,

Hey!

So, yes I did like this, it's a nice and pleasant read I just noticed that a couple of lines didn't make too much sense to me. The first one was "A short heighten boy noticed her," I've never read the word 'heighten' used in this way before . . . I'm not sure what you mean. The other was your last line "All she got was what she always craved." It doesn't read very well. Mayhaps, say "She had gotten what she always craved." I also noticed that towards the end, there wasn't anymore rhyming? Maybe it was intentional . . . I don't know I'm not really a poetry writer . .. but yes otherwise, I really liked this, it's a nice story that creates some imagery. Keep up the good work!

-Jon