Telephone wires slice the sky
and roads cover the earth
like badly applied bandages.
Buildings rise up and pierce,
wounding the spaces that the wire's haven't.
In the night they bleed,
yellow light that spreads like poison
across the untouched ground beyond.
The pipes make up a fragile skeleton,
beneath the skin of the earth-
inflexible and prone to breakage.
People move through the landscape,
scurrying about like little bugs
searching for a place to hide
from the invisible eyes
tracking their every move.
The entire thing sits,
like an open sore,
in the skin of the earth.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
it was good
I am not sure if you meant to use the word sky twice, but it would not have been my choice. The poem is gloomy and dark, obviously. It did a nice job portraying the overall feel and atmosphere. I feel like it may be missing something. Or maybe not. Sometimes I am just weird that way. :p Its well written and does a nice job making earth look awful. You used many figures of speech and I give you props for that. Keep it up!
A great poem!
I liked the use of metaphors and similes. It was very descriptive. Living in the bush, I agree wholeheartedly with the comparison of cities being like sores.
I think I would like to see this poem expanded on a little, but overall, it's a great piece!
I liked the general impression of the poem, it has a lot of potential, even though it is very sad and pessimistic. This is my advice:
. Keep writing!
Telephone wires slice the sky
and roads cover the earth
like badly applied bandages.I like this stanza, it sets a good basis for the rest of the poem
Buildings rise up and pierce the sky, Whoa now, didn't you just use sky for the first line of the first stanza? This repetition sounds awkward, could you use a synonym? Like "heavens" or "upwards?"
wounding the spaces that the wire's haven't.
In the night they bleed,
yellow light that spreads like poison
across the untouched ground. This is a confusing line. You just said that the ground was torn up by roads like "badly applied bandages." Is it untouched? Or is it torn up? Expand this a bit, and explain a bit more, and the confusion will be resolved.
The pipes make up a fragile skeleton,
beneath the skin of the earth-
inflexible and prone to breakage.
People move through the landscape,
scurrying about like little bugs
searching for a place to hide. From what? They're afraid, but why?
The entire thing sits,
like an open sore,
in the skin of the earth.
The last stanza is good, but almost seems to end in the middle of a topic. Is there something more you could add to close the poem up a bit better?
Over all good job