Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
VIOLET'S POV
* huff * *huff * * huff *
the wind whipped around me as I ran, the force opening all my fresh wounds. just keep running I told myself, pushing the pain out of my mind. STOP VIOLET! a commanding voice said from behind me. I almost did. no! I told myself, you've come this far don't you dare look back. I knew if I did he would pull me into those strong but evil arms. I also knew if he did that I would never be able to escape. he would make sure of that. I could hear him start to run impossibly faster as the scenery changed from deserted city streets to a dark unforgiving forest. DAMN IT! I screamed in my head. if only had my wings i thought, I could have lost him by now. my minded clouded with memories as I ran. I was jerked out my thoughts as I ran into a clearing and I almost fell off a cliff. the suddenness of the situation caused me to stop running and in a moment he had his arms around me. LET ME GO RYAN! I screamed struggling against his force. he tutted me. you know I can't do that he said. you belong to me! no I don't! I cried tears streaming down my face. he picked me up and threw me over my shoulder and starting walking back the way we had came. you know I'm going to have to punish you for this he whispered in my ear. I shook in fear my mind flashing with memories of chains and blood stained daggers. he laughed deep and evil. he loved seeing fear in my eyes especially if he was the one to put it there. don't worry you'll love it soon enough. you always do, he breathed in my ear looking at me with lust filled eyes. something in me snapped and I kicked him square in jaw with all the strength I could muster. he was surprised to say the least and stumbled falling backwards and dropping me in the process. my ears rang from the force of the impact but I didn't give myself any time to think. I pushed my self up of the dirt and ran past him torwads the cliff, picking up a dagger that fell of his belt on the way. I looked down at what I grabbed and felt bile coming up my throat when I realized that this was one he favored when he tortured me. I quickly steeled my self when I herd him grunting as he stood. as he turned to face me i gasped, I had broken his nose I thought actually a little proud of myself . the feeling didn't last long as he started to stalk torwads me. I held the dagger in font me trying to look look like I wasn't scared. DON'T COME ANY CLOSER! I shouted taking one more step back feeling the edge of the cliff on my heels. he erupted in laughter, the sound chilling me to bone. we both know you don't have guts to use that he said. I looked at him and said the words that would change my life forever. your right I said, unnaturally calm. but I do have the guts to step off this cliff. he couldn't contain his shock. you wouldn't dare he growled. I looked him right in the eyes and took the final step back. NO! he shouted lunging for me, but it was too late. as I felt my body plunging towards the ground I whispered one last thing. I'm free. then, everything went black.
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140,074 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
My review of Darkness brings light:
Pros:
A detailed and expressive description of a nail-biting chase.
I like the fact that the writing puts us in the shoes of the person being chased.
The lustful undertones and dramatic setting helps to further the stories title of darkness.
The diction makes dramatic situations seem erratic, as does the structure and lack of paragraphing.
Cons:
You're missing speech marks and some comma's here and there.
Sometimes, the speaker is unclear. Remember to outline who the one talking is.
All in all?
A cool short story, the stakes are outlined and it makes you feel like the main character. I also like the ending as she falls into darkness.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi!! A late welcome to YWS!! I'm here to leave a review.
First Impression: WOW. That was quite the opening there. Sounds like a prologue of sorts almost. And it just instantly makes you want to read more of this. The way it's written without paragraphs is a little hard to read though. You have to divide those up.
Anyway let's get to it,
So I didn't really have anything to comment on line by line. The grammar is what really needs to be fixed here. You're missing several capitals, and mostly paragraphing and commas. But since Stormblessed already explained all that I won't repeat that. I'll talk a bit about the premise here, the setting and the characters that you introduced.
Okay first of all, the setting is lacking a little. We don't get a whole lot of description besides the fact that there is a cliff so it's not that easy to imagine. So you have to add a bit more imagery in there.
The premise/plot here sounds really interesting. It's a really good start to a novel. There are so many questions asked based on all this talk of torture and then when she jumps off the cliff...it's just a great opening. I love that part of this.
Then the characters...they are also pretty good. We get a sense of their personalities which is really all you need for the opening chapter so good job there too.
And that's about all I have to say.
Overall: It does a really good job as an opening chapter. The grammar mistakes are the only problem really besides maybe a slight lack of description regarding the setting.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you so much, everything you've said makes a lot of sense. Like I said I really struggle with all things grammar for a multitude of reasons. I'm determined to work hard and get better at it as my story progresses though. Thank you again.
Your Welcome!!
Good luck improving on your grammar. I really like the idea behind this story. Looking forward to reading more of it.
Ahoy hoy,
This was a good start to a possible novel and most of it is pretty well written and I'm looking forward to reading more of this story if you are going to continue it. So, since this a review, here are some general comments.
1. I thought it was interesting that you did this at the very beginning:
I've never really seen this used in a narrative context before and while I'm sure many people would understand what your doing, I'm not sure how they would react to it as it is different from the general format of a story. Who knows though, the style of writing is always changing. Maybe we'll all be writing with this in a few decades but I'd be wary though of possible backlash from this choice.
2.
I think you missed the word 'of'.
3.
I agree with Rose_Monarch that you could probably find a better adjective than simply 'evil'. Maybe think along the lines of why it sounds evil? (e.g haunting, cruel, perhaps it reminds violet of her past with the character?)
4.
Repetition of the word 'look'
5. This has been mentioned before but it is important to use quotation marks and to begin a new paragraph for lines of dialogue. Giant paragraphs can often deter readers and it can be confusing to tell which parts are dialogue. The simplest rule of thumb to generally follow is that you start a new paragraph when some starts talking or when you begin discussing a new idea (e.g a change in action)
And that's about all I can see. Apart from the small issue with formatting and the occasional typo,there is really nothing wrong with this and I am curious to read what happens next.
I'll definitely keep an eye out for any further chapters for this work and I hope you keep writing!
Have a nice day!
- H.G
Thank you for the feedback, I'm really happy that everyone who has commented actually seemed to like the story. I was actually a little worried because I have trouble putting my thoughts on paper. Witch makes it difficult to write correctly. But I will definitely take the feedback I received and use it when I write my next chapter. Thank you again
First off, I agree with everything that StormBlessed said. Secondly, I think you added nice details when describing the characters and setting. Ex: deserted city streets, dark unforgiving forest, commanding voice. But I do think you should change it up when describing Ryan as evil, maybe look for adjectives like malicious.
As a tip, usually when a different character speaks, another paragraph is formed. Apart from that the only other qualm I have is that when Ryan picks Violet up, the form in which he does is written confusingly.
Otherwise, I really like this. The character voice of Violet is really strong and we unfold her and the antagonist's history nicely through the story. Good job!
Thank you for taking the time to commit on my story. I totally understand the need to really convey the scenery to my readers, and will definitely try to do better on my next chapter.
Hello, Stormblessed here!
Welcome to YWS! It's great that you're already posting.
This was an intriguing story. Theres a lot of emotion coming through, though a few mistakes make it a bit hard to read. I'll list those here.
Quotation marks
When you are writing what your characters are saying, you need to put it in quotation Mark's. Like this:
"Stop, Violet!"
"Let me go, Ryan!"
"You know I cant do that." He said "You belong to me!"
For thoughts I usually write in italics. Not everyone does this but it does make it easier to read.
Paragraphs
This whole thing is one big paragraph. That makes it hard to read and messes up the flow. Try breaking it up, usually when a theme finishes and you move on to the next one. You also should start a new paragraph after a quotation.
Capitalization
After a period, the first letter must be capitalized. You capitalized all the I's correctly, but everything else is off.
Commas
Some of your sentences are run-in, and need a comma to break them up. Here are a few I found.
"He was surprised to say the least, and stumbled, falling backwards, releasing me in the process."
The characters in bold are what I would change in this sentence. There are a few others like this, PM me if you want me to point them out.
Besides all this, I think it was great! I can't wait to read your others stories!
Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242
Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. Grammar in general is something I've always struggled with and I know I have to work on it. I'm really glad you liked it though