Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I slowly followed them down the narrow corridor, deliberately taking light steps, trying awfully hard not to be seen or heard by either of them. The hall was long: marble floor and an arched ceiling, a large, crystal chandelier dangling at its center, and two rows of marble statues on either side. The windows on the left were tall and rounded at the top with the heavy velvet curtains pulled back, leaving the pale light of a full moon to cast its silvery illumination. Where were we going? The girl turned and narrowed her eyes into thin, amber-colored slits as she regarded her partner with a look of pure hatred and disgust. Her partner, on the other hand, just waltzed past her haughtily, his dense dark cloak chasing after him, on the polished floor beneath his heavy black boots. He tossed his head in a proudly contemptuous gesture, sending lengths of his long silver hair swirling around broad shoulders.
The girl suddenly looked away in distaste. She seemed reluctant to follow after him as she kept a safe distance from him, but her cheeks grew a darker red every time he threw an impartial glance over his shoulder at her, a small smile played on his lips.
“Does something amuse you, young Bixen?” The man asked with mock innocence.
My breath caught in my throat when he spoke. Wasn’t that the same language the snake was speaking to me last time? What was it anyway? I wondered as I followed a few feet behind them, keeping hidden among the long shadows that stretched against the bare, white walls. The girl raised her maddened glare to the man’s eyes and shook her head, sending her thick, blue-black curls whipping back and forth across her refined face. My heart skipped a beat. What the heck? His eyes...he had no pupils! He smirked in return and resumed to elegantly strut down the dimly lit passageway toward a set to two massive, wooden double doors.
“I asked you a question, didn't I?” The man inquired, his voice equipped with a slight edge.
“No Lord Sudraba. Nothing amused me,” she replied icily.
I shivered and stopped short. Sudraba. Didn’t the snake say something like that? My breath hitched in my throat as the realization sunk into me. The man nodded once in her direction.
“If you say so.” He gaited away with the elegance and grace of a gazelle, quietly laughing to himself, as if remembering a joke from long ago.
“Burn in hell you rotten coward!” The girl shouted and jabbed an accusatory finger in his direction. I stared at them open-mouthed as she took a few steps forward in her partner’s direction, seething in anger while curling and uncurling her hands into fists. The man slowed to a pause, but did not turn around. Instead, he raised a gloved hand and snapped his fingers.
“Did you hear me?” She clenched her teeth together. “I said burn in—”
She suddenly collapsed to the ground, jerking and twitching around on the floor like someone having a seizure, screaming at the top of her lungs, arms and legs flopping around in the air. Her body twisted and bent itself in painful angles as she clawed at her face with one hand and wretched locks of her hair out, leaving behind large, bloody patches where her curls had once been. The man sighed dramatically and wordlessly disappeared behind the double doors without another look back. They slammed shut with a thunderous thud that echoed through the corridor and rung in my ears.
“Damn you!” She screeched through wails and sobs of agony. “Damn you!”
She shrieked some more and continued her violent, painful tremors. I froze into place. Should I help her? I glanced back in the direction the man had gone. Should I go and get him? My heart beat quickened as I cautiously approached the girl. What was wrong with her? Why wasn't her partner helping her? She could be dying! The girl all of a sudden flipped over onto her back and viciously bit into her arm, jerking her head back and forth in a brutal attempt at gnawing away chunks of her flesh. I gasped and leaped forward toward her. Was she trying to kill herself?
“Wait!” I cried and ceased her arms in my hands. “Don't do that!”
She was surprisingly strong for such a small girl. She tugged her arm out of my grip easily and blindly lashed out with her left knee, catching me in the stomach with the powerful blow, and sent me flying back down the hall into a marble bust of a dragon’s head. I yelped and held my throbbing arm to my chest just as the bust behind me shattered into pieces at my side, showering me with its sharp, jagged fragments. How did she do that? I groaned as I forced myself into a burning sitting position. How could such a tiny girl be so strong?
“I'll kill you! You godforsaken coward!” she shouted and grabbed her head in her hands.
“Stop!” I cried and forced myself onto wobbly legs and began staggering toward her. Was she crazy? Was she even listening to me? She was bleeding and beating herself to a pulp! Why wasn't her partner doing anything about it? “Stop it—you’ll hurt yourself!”
“I will end you! I'll end you asshole!” The adrenaline was surging through my veins as I stumbled through the moonlit hallway towards the girl. However, she hadn't seemed to register my existence. I slowed to a stop. Could she even hear me? Could she see me? She hadn't reacted to me being here at all. The girl carried on as she did, throwing herself against the floor as her fists beat her mercilessly, her blood and saliva smearing messily against the floor. I had to do something, but what exactly? If I touched her, then there was no doubt in my mind that she’d throw me somewhere else.
“Be gone, you filthy mutt!” A dark, thunderous voice commanded with such bitterness that my body abruptly broke out into a jag of intractable trembling. I whirled around in time to see the mysterious silver-haired man from before emerge into the hallway, his beautifully chiseled features twisted into a critical expression of axiomatic rage. I opened my mouth to say something, anything to try to stop this, but was interrupted by a sudden bright flash of white light.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello there the fierce firebolt member Fallen here to review your work today, now I must apologize for misspellings my nook despises me.
Now I must say I need to rant before I begin because then I can continue professionally,
Holy cow this was incredible for a preview usually when I read preview they still seem to be missing something and more importantly are incredibly dry in setting up the story to continue, it seems this problem has no effect on you so kudos.
Now onto the review shall we?
Now I must say I admire your use of using a backwards English its difficult to nail it correctly, only suggestion I have is when your done with the dialogue perhaps have the speaker restate it in regular English some readers that have a difficult time with processing the English backwards, I say this because not everyone is the same. if not its up to you either way brilliant.
Next, I liked how you leave the reader with literally nothing, you leave the reader eager to know what the characters look like, the setting, the basic things, but by leaving us per say in the dark a bit your adding the suspense and the joy of reading this work.
After that, your diction is mind-blowing absolutely brilliant, that added to your imagery leaves the reader in the typical high after a good read(again apologize for ranting it seems I slipped back into it)
Other than that I can't wait to read more from your story and hope to see more from you
Sincerely,
Fallen
This was a great prologue - very well written, and reminds me of my own in some ways. There is not a whole lot for me to add to what has already been said, because the prose itself was solid, and besides this language you've created (which you claim to have changed?), I think it's pretty good.
I was confused at the point when the language was first brought in and the man and girl began to talk. Because for me, I just saw it, didn't get it, and moved on. Not good, considering it's related to why she ended up surprising on the floor. That was seriously confusing.
I will admit, if you understand that you read it backwards, things will make sense. But I can already imagine how many people would be thrown out of the story, especially when it is so frequently used. In which case the reader has to learn the language, which not only raises the learning curve (decreasing potential readership) but also means people are forced to understand it.
It's difficult to say whether that's a good thing or not, because the language itself is backwards English, meaning if you can read English you can understand it, but then why is it backwards? Even if you provide a good in-world reason, I think people will stop reading before they can find out - and even then, they might not think it's good enough.
The setting was very well done however. I loved the description, and thank the Goddess you actually used sensory information. That's something that only needs a line, and not a ton of emphasis, but can still be useful. Also the style of your prose... I'm sure there's a word for it, but I like the way it's been put together.
There are a lot of adjective and adverbs, and it remains very descriptive and engaging, but I'm not sure if it is purple or not. I personally like it, but I can imagine some people getting annoyed by it. More importantly to yourself, you may find that things could be cut down/shortened by a use of fewer words. Again, I think it's fine to be honest, but still something to be aware of.
Nice writing and I look forward to reading the rest! :3
Hey, I'm Pook, and I'm a reviewer.
Well let me start by saying that this might be a short review, which for you I would consider excellent. There are not many grammar mistakes. There may be a comma or two that doesn't belong, but overall an excellent and intriguing piece.
This was a very interesting prologue, or "preview" as you call it. The dark, chilling atmosphere you set had my face in the screen from beginning to end. I really admire the vivid descriptions used for the setting and the characters. In my opinion, that is what really gets readers into the writing; not knowing anything about what the characters look like or the type of setting they're in makes the writing plain and uninteresting.
As with your narrator, you don't really give any information about him/her. I can not even distinguish their gender, so that would definitely be something I'd consider incorporating. I'm also interested in knowing where geographically this takes place. Is it another dimension or world, or is it some mysterious place on earth? It's totally up to you if you decide to incorporate that in this piece, or since it is only a preview, later on.
And about this coded language, it slowed me down a bit while reading, and that's not something a short-minded reader will settle for. It was very creative you use a "backwards language", but if read regularly, it makes no sense and takes too much time. My suggestion, and this is 100% optional, is to research some ancient or rare languages, or maybe just some languages that interest you, and translate them into your story. I would suggest languages with many cognitive words (words that look and are related betwixt two different languages ie: devastating -> devastador). It will really play a role in the character's background and also be a bit easier to read. Even though we won't be able to understand it
fully, it will be easier to read because of the cognitive words and the fact that it is real language.
Well that's all I can really say about that. It was really interesting, and if you are going to develop this into a novel, I can't wait. And this is really odd, but somehow your setting reminds me of something out of Harry Potter. Haha I'm just weird that way, but anyway great job. Keep up the good work, see ya later
reminds me of Harry Potter Hogwarts
Hello Pook and thanks for the helpful criticism. It' very much appreciated. You are the second person that pointed out the backwards language and I've decided to return it to it's original language so changed to the dialogue will be applied right away. As for the main character gender, this wasn't incorporated into this piece simply because this piece is part of a larger, more informational chapter that hasn't been uploaded yet. It's my first time dabbling in pure fantasy so I was a bit unsure of myself in terms of what should and shouldn't be included. But I the story progressed, I'll make sure that I leave no stone upturned so to speak. i look forward to hearing more from you when the chapter are uploaded. Thanks again and have an amazing day! -IceWinifredd
Hey! This is Dustbunny!!
This is an interesting piece and certainly makes me want to read some more, the only thing that I noticed in those whole piece that could be worked on is honestly kind of opinionated. So take this advice as simply that, my opinion, and you can decide what you wanna do!
Anyway, it's the language. By that I'm referring to the italic words written backwards. Often times, and you see it so many times in fantasy stories, that writers try and come up with some sort of language to give a different foreign feel to the reader, but then they decide they don't want to take the time and come up with a legit different language so in the end you have a bunch of jumbled words that make no sense to anyone and serve very little purpose.
That was what I was thinking when I saw the italicized words and was like "oh! This person had an interesting idea, just writing the words backwards, must have been a pain!" And honestly that's the only reason that kept me reading on, when I see a story that's got a bunch of crazy words I don't understand I give up real quick, because I wanna read something I can understand! See what I'm saying?
So, in your case with this preview, if the main character understands the words, then why do they have to be backwards? Because that held me up and ruined the flow when I had to stop and decipher backwards words. If the main character knows what the words mean, and can understand them, then so should the reader because after all, the reader is in a sense on the same level of knowledge as the main character. So if he understands just let the words be normal, I'd keep them italicized so that you do know it's a different language, but let the words be normal. So we can understand!
however that all being said it's all really just my opinion, I don't think there's anywhere that says you have to write words forwards, and not backwards.
Anyway! Thank you for submitting this preview, I like the premise, the idea, you write really well, and I certainly look forward to seeing some more from you!!
Hi Dustbunny! It's nice to meet you and thanks for the R&R (read and review). It's truly appreciated. As for the language, I'd originally set it up to be in another language, but I quickly felt like that language was too cliche and at the time, I was aiming this story at a younger audience. So then I decided to write what it is that these characters are saying backwards because the idea itself was really fascinating to me since I'd ever come across anything written in such a way. And no, the main character isn't intended to understand what they're saying and I apologize if I haven't made that evident enough in this preview. I want to explain why things are the way they are, but I don't know how without exposing too much of the plot. The first chapter is not even up yet. But I fully understand what you're saying and thanks for all the helpful critique. I look forward to hearing from you again as I proceed to upload more on Helix and it's characters. Have an amazing afternoon! -IceWinifredd