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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Greetings, Ice! Never fear, Adrian is here for a Review Day review! I represent team Blue's Clues and I am here to review your work. (I have not read any of the previous chapters, so I apologise if I get anything wrong.)
Woah, this was an incredibly long work. Like, this is over 9000 words. A little lengthy if you ask me. It's a hard to review a work like that all in one sitting, so I'd recommend spacing this out into parts. That would probably attract more readers. (The average chapter length is between 1000 or 3000. Any more than that and the work might sit in the Green Room for a long period of time.)
I must say that I really like the beginning. The description is wonderful, and the scene is layed out so excellently. The reader can just see the scene. So I really like that about the story so far. The main character's character is shown pretty well in the second paragraph. And now the reader actually has some sense as to where they are. Cooped up in a house, staring out a window. I can just hear the loathing in their voice.
Whose hellhole of a home? I think the character means "this."
I really don't understand this character. Nina wants to go out to a party, but at the same time, she doesn't want to go. It doesn't really make that much sense to risk her neck to go to a party where she'll have to pretend to be nice to a girl she doesn't even like.
I'm guessing NIna got suspended because she punched Claire, or something like that.The ellipsis should not touch the other word. So like this: "into... into... this?" The ellipsis should only touch the word when it's in the middle. So, "re...view."
Please don't use the word "psychotic." It honestly doesn't add anything to the description. There are other words to describe bad people, and psychotic is not one of them.
If I actually had money, I'd bet that Nina falls in love with Bryan at the end of the book. Just saying.
Comma after "go".
It's illegal. He's at least five years older than her. She's also a minor, and he's an adult. He'd go to jail in a blink of an eye. Yup, reading on it's clear that this Jake Stew is harassing her. While she might get in trouble, she should tell someone in authority.
This was interesting, I'm not really sure how I like the characters-- but this was a good read. I do hope that you will continue writing. I wish you a happy day!
~Adrian
Hello there Adrian!
It's nice to meet you and thanks for the read and review. Hmm... I was wondering why I couldn't get much reviews on this chapter. But I know now so thanks for pointing it out. Also, i appreciate you pointing out the mistakes for me. I'm going to re-writing this whole story anyway and I'll shorten this chapter. (It was originally two separate chapters in the beginning). Thanks and good luck on review day! Have a good morning! -IceWinifredd
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
First of all, I haven't read the other chapters so I am kind of breaking one of my personal reviewing rules here, but this has been in the Green Room for a while so I thought it ought to receive some attention.
My biggest problem with this chapter was that it was incredibly long. And this is just one chapter! Normally, chapters of a novel are 3,000 words or so (probably less if they're published on YWS) so this is really long even by chapter standards. If you break up the chapters into Part 1, Part 2 etc., you will probably receive more reviews and more in-depth feedback.
Should that be "I'D sneaked out of the house"?
Should that be "nearly collided WITH Bryan"?
God should be capitalised.
Should "check out" be "checkout"?
Shouldn't that be "just SO he could pull me"?
Should that be "wrenched" rather than "wrecked"?
Is she really that surprised? She's not exactly being nice to him…
This sounds extremely disturbing to my way of thinking...
Since there's a multitude of speakers here, I'd put each new piece of dialogue in a new paragraph.
It should be "they're" not "their".
I think you meant to say "at HIM skeptically".
Remember, new paragraph every time the speaker changes!
And can I just say that the ending was really shocking, but it was a brilliant cliffhanger. Overall I thought this was really well-written, and I'm interested to find out what happens next. Keep up the awesome writing, and I might just go and review some more of this story!
Hello Steampowered!
Thanks for the read and review! I really appreciate it! Originally, this was two separate chapters but I combined them into one thinking that they were too short individually. But thanks for pointing out all of the errors. I never would've seen them myself. Also, I'm editing this again so I'll just shorten them a bit and go from there. Have a great morning! -IceWinifredd
I am leaving this as a review ticket. It is so long it makes it hard to sit and review in one sitting. If you still want my review message me and I will be glad to come back and take the time to review this another time. Next time post this in smaller chunks.
Hi myjaspercat!
Thanks for the comment! I'll shorten it and let you know when you can review. Have a good morning! -IceWinifredd
of course, I would be glad to review it for you. I'll be looking out to see when it is time