Greetings, Ice! Never fear, Adrian is here for a Review Day review! I represent team Blue's Clues and I am here to review your work. (I have not read any of the previous chapters, so I apologise if I get anything wrong.)Woah, this was an incredibly long work. Like, this is over 9000 words. A little lengthy if you ask me. It's a hard to review a work like that all in one sitting, so I'd recommend spacing this out into parts. That would probably attract more readers. (The average chapter length is between 1000 or 3000. Any more than that and the work might sit in the Green Room for a long period of time.)I must say that I really like the beginning. The description is wonderful, and the scene is layed out so excellently. The reader can just see the scene. So I really like that about the story so far. The main character's character is shown pretty well in the second paragraph. And now the reader actually has some sense as to where they are. Cooped up in a house, staring out a window. I can just hear the loathing in their voice.
. One day I would get the hell out of his hellhole of a home I lived in and live the life I wanted to live.
Why did he have to change into…into….this?
and the idea of having a psychotic rapist follow me just to he could pull me into an alley
I wasn’t into Bryan in that way, but I had to admit that Bryan’s body had improved drastically over the years.
“Let me go Will!”
Could a fifteen-year-old girl date a twenty-one-year-old without putting him in jail?
Hello, steampowered here for a review!First of all, I haven't read the other chapters so I am kind of breaking one of my personal reviewing rules here, but this has been in the Green Room for a while so I thought it ought to receive some attention.My biggest problem with this chapter was that it was incredibly long. And this is just one chapter! Normally, chapters of a novel are 3,000 words or so (probably less if they're published on YWS) so this is really long even by chapter standards. If you break up the chapters into Part 1, Part 2 etc., you will probably receive more reviews and more in-depth feedback.
I’ve sneaked out of the house before and never been caught
I made a sharp turn and nearly collided into Bryan
Only god knew how she would react if she woke up before I got home.
By the time I’d reached the check out counter
I wasn’t a fan of walking home by myself and the idea of having a psychotic rapist follow me just to he could pull me into an alley and rape me wasn’t very exciting.
I growled and wrecked my shoulder out of his grasp.
Did this jerk just call me a damn bitch?
“Man, if that kid wasn’t underage then so help me God I would-”
How stupid was that?“Hey!” someone shouted. “It’s the freak from school! Who invited her here?”“Someone call NASA- we’ve just spotted an alien!"“Get lost, you loser! Can’t you see that you’re not wanted here?”“Eeeew! Look at what she’s wearing! My grandmother dresses better then she does!”
You must be the freak their talking about downstairs
I raised an eyebrow at hi skeptically.
“Yeah, I guess it’s not, but that’s how it is for me,” I said and sighed. “Well I think you’re very nice,” Jake whispered and I shivered again.
I am leaving this as a review ticket. It is so long it makes it hard to sit and review in one sitting. If you still want my review message me and I will be glad to come back and take the time to review this another time. Next time post this in smaller chunks.
108,045 Literary Works • 575,283 Reviews