Greetings, Ice! Never fear, Adrian is here for a Review Day review! I represent team Blue's Clues and I am here to review your work. (I have not read any of the previous chapters, so I apologise if I get anything wrong.)
Woah, this was an incredibly long work. Like, this is over 9000 words. A little lengthy if you ask me. It's a hard to review a work like that all in one sitting, so I'd recommend spacing this out into parts. That would probably attract more readers. (The average chapter length is between 1000 or 3000. Any more than that and the work might sit in the Green Room for a long period of time.)
I must say that I really like the beginning. The description is wonderful, and the scene is layed out so excellently. The reader can just see the scene. So I really like that about the story so far. The main character's character is shown pretty well in the second paragraph. And now the reader actually has some sense as to where they are. Cooped up in a house, staring out a window. I can just hear the loathing in their voice.
. One day I would get the hell out of his hellhole of a home I lived in and live the life I wanted to live.
Whose hellhole of a home? I think the character means "this."
I really don't understand this character. Nina wants to go out to a party, but at the same time, she doesn't want to go. It doesn't really make that much sense to risk her neck to go to a party where she'll have to pretend to be nice to a girl she doesn't even like.
Why did he have to change into…into….this?
The ellipsis should not touch the other word. So like this: "into... into... this?" The ellipsis should only touch the word when it's in the middle. So, "re...view."
and the idea of having a psychotic rapist follow me just to he could pull me into an alley
Please don't use the word "psychotic." It honestly doesn't add anything to the description. There are other words to describe bad people, and psychotic is not one of them.
I wasn’t into Bryan in that way, but I had to admit that Bryan’s body had improved drastically over the years.
If I actually had money, I'd bet that Nina falls in love with Bryan at the end of the book. Just saying.
“Let me go Will!”
Comma after "go".
Could a fifteen-year-old girl date a twenty-one-year-old without putting him in jail?
It's illegal. He's at least five years older than her. She's also a minor, and he's an adult. He'd go to jail in a blink of an eye. Yup, reading on it's clear that this Jake Stew is harassing her. While she might get in trouble, she should tell someone in authority.
This was interesting, I'm not really sure how I like the characters-- but this was a good read. I do hope that you will continue writing. I wish you a happy day!
~Adrian
Points: 0
Reviews: 324
Donate