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E - Everyone


by IceWinifredd

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324 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 324

Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:09 pm
Evander wrote a review...

Greetings, Ice! Never fear, Adrian is here for a Review Day review! I represent team Blue's Clues and I am here to review your work. (I have not read any of the previous chapters, so I apologise if I get anything wrong.)

Woah, this was an incredibly long work. Like, this is over 9000 words. A little lengthy if you ask me. It's a hard to review a work like that all in one sitting, so I'd recommend spacing this out into parts. That would probably attract more readers. (The average chapter length is between 1000 or 3000. Any more than that and the work might sit in the Green Room for a long period of time.)

I must say that I really like the beginning. The description is wonderful, and the scene is layed out so excellently. The reader can just see the scene. So I really like that about the story so far. The main character's character is shown pretty well in the second paragraph. And now the reader actually has some sense as to where they are. Cooped up in a house, staring out a window. I can just hear the loathing in their voice.

. One day I would get the hell out of his hellhole of a home I lived in and live the life I wanted to live.

Whose hellhole of a home? I think the character means "this."

I really don't understand this character. Nina wants to go out to a party, but at the same time, she doesn't want to go. It doesn't really make that much sense to risk her neck to go to a party where she'll have to pretend to be nice to a girl she doesn't even like. I'm guessing NIna got suspended because she punched Claire, or something like that.

Why did he have to change into…into….this?

The ellipsis should not touch the other word. So like this: "into... into... this?" The ellipsis should only touch the word when it's in the middle. So, "re...view."

and the idea of having a psychotic rapist follow me just to he could pull me into an alley

Please don't use the word "psychotic." It honestly doesn't add anything to the description. There are other words to describe bad people, and psychotic is not one of them.

I wasn’t into Bryan in that way, but I had to admit that Bryan’s body had improved drastically over the years.

If I actually had money, I'd bet that Nina falls in love with Bryan at the end of the book. Just saying. :P

“Let me go Will!”

Comma after "go".

Could a fifteen-year-old girl date a twenty-one-year-old without putting him in jail?

It's illegal. He's at least five years older than her. She's also a minor, and he's an adult. He'd go to jail in a blink of an eye. Yup, reading on it's clear that this Jake Stew is harassing her. While she might get in trouble, she should tell someone in authority.

This was interesting, I'm not really sure how I like the characters-- but this was a good read. I do hope that you will continue writing. I wish you a happy day!


IceWinifredd says...

Hello there Adrian!

It's nice to meet you and thanks for the read and review. Hmm... I was wondering why I couldn't get much reviews on this chapter. But I know now so thanks for pointing it out. Also, i appreciate you pointing out the mistakes for me. I'm going to re-writing this whole story anyway and I'll shorten this chapter. (It was originally two separate chapters in the beginning). Thanks and good luck on review day! Have a good morning! -IceWinifredd

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359 Reviews

Points: 455
Reviews: 359

Sun Feb 22, 2015 3:46 pm
steampowered wrote a review...

Hello, steampowered here for a review!

First of all, I haven't read the other chapters so I am kind of breaking one of my personal reviewing rules here, but this has been in the Green Room for a while so I thought it ought to receive some attention.

My biggest problem with this chapter was that it was incredibly long. And this is just one chapter! Normally, chapters of a novel are 3,000 words or so (probably less if they're published on YWS) so this is really long even by chapter standards. If you break up the chapters into Part 1, Part 2 etc., you will probably receive more reviews and more in-depth feedback.

I’ve sneaked out of the house before and never been caught

Should that be "I'D sneaked out of the house"?

I made a sharp turn and nearly collided into Bryan

Should that be "nearly collided WITH Bryan"?

Only god knew how she would react if she woke up before I got home.

God should be capitalised.

By the time I’d reached the check out counter

Should "check out" be "checkout"?

I wasn’t a fan of walking home by myself and the idea of having a psychotic rapist follow me just to he could pull me into an alley and rape me wasn’t very exciting.

Shouldn't that be "just SO he could pull me"?

I growled and wrecked my shoulder out of his grasp.

Should that be "wrenched" rather than "wrecked"?

Did this jerk just call me a damn bitch?

Is she really that surprised? She's not exactly being nice to him…

“Man, if that kid wasn’t underage then so help me God I would-”

This sounds extremely disturbing to my way of thinking...

How stupid was that?“Hey!” someone shouted. “It’s the freak from school! Who invited her here?”“Someone call NASA- we’ve just spotted an alien!"“Get lost, you loser! Can’t you see that you’re not wanted here?”“Eeeew! Look at what she’s wearing! My grandmother dresses better then she does!”

Since there's a multitude of speakers here, I'd put each new piece of dialogue in a new paragraph.

You must be the freak their talking about downstairs

It should be "they're" not "their".

I raised an eyebrow at hi skeptically.

I think you meant to say "at HIM skeptically".

“Yeah, I guess it’s not, but that’s how it is for me,” I said and sighed. “Well I think you’re very nice,” Jake whispered and I shivered again.

Remember, new paragraph every time the speaker changes!

And can I just say that the ending was really shocking, but it was a brilliant cliffhanger. Overall I thought this was really well-written, and I'm interested to find out what happens next. Keep up the awesome writing, and I might just go and review some more of this story! :D


IceWinifredd says...

Hello Steampowered!

Thanks for the read and review! I really appreciate it! Originally, this was two separate chapters but I combined them into one thinking that they were too short individually. But thanks for pointing out all of the errors. I never would've seen them myself. Also, I'm editing this again so I'll just shorten them a bit and go from there. Have a great morning! -IceWinifredd

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252 Reviews

Points: 4241
Reviews: 252

Sun Feb 22, 2015 1:21 am
myjaspercat says...

I am leaving this as a review ticket. It is so long it makes it hard to sit and review in one sitting. If you still want my review message me and I will be glad to come back and take the time to review this another time. Next time post this in smaller chunks.

IceWinifredd says...

Hi myjaspercat!

Thanks for the comment! I'll shorten it and let you know when you can review. Have a good morning! -IceWinifredd

myjaspercat says...

of course, I would be glad to review it for you. I'll be looking out to see when it is time :)

By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill