Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a pretty interesting scene. It was a little hard to tell that this was a conversation at the start with the ending being the only thing that provides at least a slight clue so you might want to work on that a bit. Other than that there is a really nice and rather deep message buried in this and I really like that. You've done a great job there.
Anyway let's get right to it,
“When I was young I used to believe that the world was open. Open to ideas and to concepts never before thought up. I used to have the misconception that the world was a decent place where one could live according to his wants, wishes, and expectations. I expected a lot of this world. I expected it to allow me to reach my highest highs, soar through the years in a strong willful gust. I lived by the principal of only the best will do. Only the best house, the best job, the best wife, the best car, the best children.
Interesting start to a monologue you've got there. But unfortunately or fortunately this is something that most people do think they should always be aiming for.
“Through this mind set I led myself into the deepest holes and the darkest corners. I fought for everything, my business, my wife, my children. I wanted to be the most powerful man in the world. Wishful thinking, I know.
Well yes that does seem like a bit too ambitious but then that doesn't always hurt as long as you remember to keep it in check. Dark corners and deep holes do not sound all that good though.
“I had this aspiration as a child to leap over any and all obstacles that were bold enough to stand en el camino, as the Spanish say. I wanted it all. And now look, I sold my billion dollar company, I sold my restaurants, I sold my cars, my houses, my timeshares, my stocks. I am an eighty year old man who sold his life for a vineyard. With my money locked away, I have discovered a new life. A life filled with living rather than the daily hassles Americans are predisposed to.
That sounds like a great retirement plan.
“The fluctuations of the New York Stock Exchange no longer ring in my ear and haunt my dreams. The terrors of the daily news cannot broadcast where there is no TV. Politics no longer interest me as they once had. I sold it all for a quiet life on a vineyard—my only company being Paco, and his family of seven who live and work here.
That is a really nice feeling that you've managed to create there. A sense of fulfillment and happiness. Its brought out really well here.
“I have stopped being concerned with the outside world. Ha ha. That is strange to say, the OUTSIDE world, as if I am on the INSIDE of a burning hell—a retreat from the exterior of society. Inside this retreat is a dirt road, leading to an old Spanish Villa with the doors poorly hinged to allow the house talk through infinitesimal squeaks. Along this three mile road on either side, there are grapes. These vines cover the hills of Santa Cruz with such delicacy, gently riding atop the slopes in a brilliant wave of green foliage and purple fruit. Past the house and the vines are more hills and more vines. The water from the rain drips to a small pond in the center of my retreat. Past the pond is the acropolis and it holds a structure worth praise. It is my winery where the grapes are crushed, fermented, barreled, bottled, and sold. I make my life here—I make my wine.
That's a lovely description there.
“I told you that the world is in the palm of your hand, you just have to squeeze to get the juice. Now I tell you that happiness and fulfillment are not achieved through the juice you squeeze or the effort given. Happiness is only achieved through being content with the empty glass you have. Before I owned this winery, I squeezed and pressed the citizens of America for every last dollar, I cheated people. I forced them into unfair contracts and used blackmail quiet often. How I wish I was like the vine Claire, how I wish.
Ooh that's actually a really nice message that you've got in there. Great work with that.
“Now as I see your brother who is far too indulged with his own life that he has forgotten how to be a human being. I see myself in him. It scares me to think he will work through his years trying to wrap his hand around the circumference of life just to get a small bit of sour juice. He doesn’t realize that he is traveling down the same road as I traveled years ago. He does not realize that I was lucky, I stopped. Most people don’t. Claire, he is going to kill himself trying to attain happiness, happiness he thought I had.
Okay so now we get to the part where he is talking to someone. This could perhaps be made a little clearer. If I hadn't read the comment by you down below I would never have guessed it was a conversation and would have been pretty confused.
“You grew up in a home that was full of resentment and frustration. It was unfair to you and your brother, to see anger that profuse in a relationship. We thought by staying together we were helping you, giving you a proper chance at the American Dream. An ideal that continues to eluded the poorest and wealthiest families in America.”
Well that certainly sounds tough.
“Of course dad…” She chuckled through her tears, wiping them with a fresh tissue.
“There are secrets, issues that your mother and I never spoke of past your birth. I love you Claire.”
She didn’t speak—her eyes reflected concern rather than anger or resentment.
“I am growing old, my memory is questionable but I will tell you the truths, the secrets, and the lies.”
That's quite a promising ending that you've got right there. Now I really want to read more. Hopefully you've published another part to this at some point.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty nice simply story that had a lovely message inside of it. It was definitely a pretty realistic future that you've plotted out here and this does bring out some pretty valid issues.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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