Caller ID

I wrote this, I'm not sure what to call it, piece in the 2 minutes after not answering a call from my ex. I wrote exactly what my mind was saying to me without pause or revision. I wrote from the heart and I let my fingers do the typing. I had no intentions on using this as an emotional outlet but I had MS Word open and just needed to vent some inner feelings. To continue my out of character actions I saved the file and months later came across this site so figured I would see if it struck a chord with anyone. I guess it did. I let the best thing that ever happened to me go because I was afraid to fail. What I learned is, that if you want to learn how to succeed you must first learn how to fail.Thank you for reviewing it and giving your feedback.

Hi there

So, nice piece. I would try to perhaps make the language more natural; as parts it seemed almost inhuman, something that we wouldn't think to ourselves. For example, I found this line somewhat awkward: "I chose not to answer its request for my action."
It's good to write simply, to make the reader easy for the reader. And when you question your next action in the next line, it makes it all the more awkward. I would also try to show more of an inner struggle in that part, since it is actually the main thing in the piece. Perhaps more "Showing" than "Telling" would also be helpful.

Simple language like I mentioned above could also be used in this line. "No’ would win but the outcome would leave me cognitive of my guilt. "
We all know what this means, but I, personally, don't think to myself using these words, unless the situation is specific to them.

I really like how this started as an almost stream of conscious writing and degenerated into apologies to someone else- really nice use of emotion in the structure. I would try to use more commas in order to keep the flow, and watch your grammar in places. Otherwise, very nice piece.

And- last thing- I don't think that the length is a problem. You shouldn't write for length, but for what you want or need to get down on paper. If you're done, you're done. That's all.


Nice job.


-Coral-

Hey!

So I loved this but it was more like a excerpt of something rather than a short story. I think that the piece should be longer than that. Truth be told, I thought it was a comment at first glance.

Charlotte Grace

great work,

i felt you explained how the character feel in an excellent way.

I really liked your word usage of this short story. I can see this as being more of a beginning to a story or even a epilogue. It explained the narrorator's feelings, however, it did not explain the situation. But it was excellent for what little of a story you have. Keep up the writing!

Makes me wonder.
What is he guilty for?
Who is this girl?
Why didn't he answer?
What happened between the two of them?
Does he regret it deeply?

Please don't leave me hangin'! Other wise a well written story. ^_^

Keep your creativity goin'
--------ASH

This piece of work is short but good. The first sentence drew me in wanting to read more. I only found one grammar issue but imagine already pointed it out. I have two questions. Who is this girl? What did he do? You've got a great amount of talent and a great vocabulary. You've got great potenital and I can't wait to read more of your work. Keep writing
Wicked <3

This is really short, but good. It sounds like it would be a good beginning to a story or even a good ending. I hate how it leave you with so many questions. Who is this person your talking about? What’s the relationship between the two? What is he guilty about? But that just shows you've got enough talent to make your reader care and want more. Good job and keep writing!
Sierra

This was a really good piece. But I'm not really sure if it was supposed to be a story or a little clip of a story. Or maybe just a short little thing. Either way it was really good. In order to understand what an id and an ego is you would have had to have taken psychology, so I know exactly what you mean.

I really liked your use of vocabulary and how you draw the reader in. If you were to make this a promotion for a story I think this would really get people's attention. And I never really thought about how a guy would act when a girl called him. This was quite interesting to read and if that's really how a guy acts it makes me feel a lot better.

Keep up the good work!

Hey IainMorrison here to review your piece,

Looking down I reached for it but then stopped. I chose not to answer its request for my action. Answer or ignore. You did a really good job at pulling the reader in. I know it got my attention.

Ignore.

Did I want to talk to her? The answer is being debated between id and ego This is embarrassing to say, but i had to actually google id, which even though embarrassing that's a good thing. Shows you have great vocabulary.. I leaned towards ‘yes’ but then a sharp pain in my ribcage. ‘No’ would win but the outcome would leave me cognitive of my guilt. I should have answered. What would have come of it? Possibly a good conversation Try using a period or comma here. I had to read it twice because it just didn't flow like the rest of the piece had so far.maybe a connection felt between us. Can the past be plugged in to the present? Can we forget about our heraldry that we see on each other? Our past is our past. She can forget but my mind doesn’t give me the choice. I’m guilty for feeling guilt. No matter how that phone call turned out I couldn’t allow myself to feel good about it. I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for not being able to look past my mistakes even if you can. So for the now, for the moment I’m stuck in now, I will not answer the phone. I’ll play out the fictional dialogue in my head. Its nice to know you care. Great finish, just as strong as the beginning.