Young Writers Society

Hello, Willow here, aka the llama overlord. I will warn you right now that I'm an asexual writer, so I have no real interest or experience in romance for me, but I do write asexual romance and I love softer romance teen novels, so I'll try my best here.

First off you have a very formal voice in this peice, which is fine, but the first paragraph feels more like you were putting fancier words in just becuase they're fancier. "Detritus" and "a non-descript shade of brown" I'm sure they describe the scene just fine, but they feel out of place when you were really only using these kinds of words in the very begining.

Second, tearing out his hair sent a "ripple of pain across his hairline"? Ripple doesn't seem like the right word, maybe a moment of pain or a sudden pain, but ripple doesn't seem right especially since you have nothing to indicate a water metaphor in here.

Third, why was he putting his finger in the candle, sure it made since in the end when he burned to death (which also seemed to be HORRIFICALLY out of place for the tone of the story) but really? Burning his finger? Really? That doesn't seem gentle to me.

Lastly the poet falling asleep was sudden. It,s like he poured out his soul on the paper and his head smacked down on the table.

I did enjoy the poetry in the story and the descrpition of his lover though, don't get me wrong.

Hello, steampowered here for a review! I’m assuming this is the first work you uploaded to YWS, so congratulations on posting it!

Wow… this was… fantastic. Just fantastic. I loved this so much. The imagery, the poignancy of the ending, and your writing style is excellent. This is going to be a really short review, because I could hardly find anything wrong with it. It’s an amazing talent to be able to tell a story in so few words (as I often ramble on to those who write short stories) and this tells a story of love, loss and heartache with so little dialogue, just using the descriptions and vivid imagery, like a poem. In fact, this is almost like a poem rather than a story. I like it!

I have just a couple of nitpicks:

whom had lowered his head upon the desk in a gesture of self-pity

No Molly.

And the way her fingernails had cut red tracks that looked like wine though tasted like rust into his cheek as she hissed for him to leave and returned her wedding ring to her finger.

This story was really sweet. I wanted to know the story of his love, and how it came to be for them to have a really big place in his heart.

Alright, this will be a really short review. Overall, I find this to be really well written. Your imagery is really powerful and you have a really unique, almost profound, professional style. I just like the way you write as a whole.

He felt several of his hairs detach from his skull, sending a ripple of pain along his hairline.

feeling of flame spiraling within him. He drank more, desperate to feel and taste the tongues of flame.

Hello, I'm going to point out a few things that kind of bothered me while reading this.

…He felt several of his hairs detach from his skull, sending a ripple of pain along his hairline…

…And the way her fingernails had cut red tracks that looked like wine though tasted like rust into his cheek…

Wow, this is a really nice story! I thought it was nicely written. No grammatical errors or misspelled words and the quality of the writing is stellar. You also were very vivid with your description of everything happening to the poet and the taste of the wine.

However, I would have liked to see more attention on who the character was. I know that the story was to keep the poet more anonymous, but I would have like to know more about him. Overall, I think the story is great, even without knowing more about the character!

Hi ITSLEWIS. Welcome to YWS and of course, welcome to the family. I’m here to review your short story!

Things I liked;

Your opening paragraph. I love it. Great description & it has already given me a good impression as to what kind of writer you’re going to be.

You shocked me that this poet is drowning in this self pity over a woman that he can’t even remember. A good twist on something that could have been cliche.

I love that his own self pity causes the fire that swallows him. It’s a fitting end.


Things I think you could improve;

Where you’ve said that the poet puts his fingers on the flame - I think it would be great if you would add a little note about how the small burn made the poet feel. Did he even notice the pain? Or is he too numb to let it bother him? Did he like the pain? Or does he do it to just feel something?

Again - I feel that there should be some note on how the poet reacts to the fire. Does he even twitch in his sleep at the licking flames? Nothing?

Alas - I wish it had been longer!

Good luck! Let me know if you have any questions. Happy to chat anytime.

Olive <3

Wow... This was pretty powerful.. I finished reading it and no words could come to mind. I really enjoyed it and I totally understand it. Every paragraph, I could just feel all these emotions that you were writing. I haven't read something like this in a long time and I'm glad I found this. Just, amazing...

The feelings you described in this were near flawless. Like I said, I felt like the poet for a second, I could literally feel his frustration. And,that part about what the narrator in his writing was saying was well detailed, I even chuckled at the 'devoured by beggars and orphans' part a bit, eheh...

The only thing that caught me off guard was, 'tracks of salt etching his cheek.' It wasn't until I finished the story that I realized it was a metaphor for tears.

Other then me being slow to catch that, I really loved reading this and am glad I read it. You write how I wish to write, with a lot of passion in every sentence, meaning in every word, (or, at least that's what I felt when reading this). I'd love to see more of your work.

Awesome job on this, my friend~