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The Death Circle- Act I Scene III

by ILived

Laughing resounds through the small room. A kind that can only be heard when there is a drink held in the hand. But obviously, the men are not inebriated to delusion, they have business to get to.

Dames: That’s what he does! Right in front of us all. And I couldn’t control my laughter. I’m telling you, I think we have got this under control, Hes.

Heston: Under control but in a state that unleashing would be easy. We have to keep to our senses if we are to keep this up.

Dames: The kills will become easier.

Heston: I am no killer.

Dames: I never called you one. I merely said the kills would be----

Heston: I do not kill.

Dames: But an equal perpetrator because of assisting the kill.

Heston: Which means you are now among this damned group as well.

Dames: I did not deny it.

Heston: Now who is next?

Dames: A woman named Delaney Pracey.

Heston: Oh a lady this time?

Dames: Yup, new in town. And she has a great deal of money with her.

Heston: just our type.

Dames: Precisely. And this time the money goes half and half between us.

Heston: It was not proposed that way.

Dames: But I found the target this time.

Heston: And I found the system.

Dames: The targets are what make the system.

Heston: I could have found this Delaney just as easily without you. Forty and sixty split if we spare the lady this time.

Dames: Have you got a liking for her?

Heston: I am well above that age. I merely find it useless to ruin a family for their money.

Dames: Agreed. But wouldn’t the “not killing” part go against the very system? It is the names of the dead that we need.

Heston: Right. I am not thinking right today. It must be the unusual pity creeping up. Please excuse me. Nevertheless, I think we should hire another man who makes the job a little less bloody.

Dames: You don’t have to come.

Heston: I found the system.

Dames: Then you should not be afraid of it.

Heston: I am not. [turns his head away from the gaze of Dames]

Dames: How is your daughter by the way?

Heston: Well as she should be and looked on very closely by my father. One does not go around telling others about the house’s affairs.

Dames: But she hasn’t told anyone, right?

Heston: She told one man. And that one man is dead.

Dames: Who was it?

Heston: Jack Black.

Dames: But he wasn’t even in Grillion Creek.

Heston: My men are far strung and regard me highly.

Dames: [covers his shock] It would seem so.

Heston: When do we take our Delaney?

Dames: During the May-time fete next week.

Heston: [smiling]That would be ideal.

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84 Reviews

Points: 350
Reviews: 84

Sat Dec 30, 2017 10:16 pm
DragonNoir wrote a review...

Hi! DragonNoir here for Review Day! Let's get started!

I haven't actually got any nitpicks, but I do have a few comments.

The introduction is too prose-like. That part should show the setting, introduce characters, add details which could be missed in the body of the work itself and be clear as the blue sky.

Though you do use stage directions - as required of a script - I do feel there are places where you could have had a pause, or an action taking place, like towards the end when Heston asks "When do we take our Delany?", just to make it more natural.

Overall, I don't have anything against this piece, and I haven't read Scene I and II. I do just feel that it is too much dialogue and that some actions should be added to maintain a natural flow.
I hope my review helped! :D

User avatar
279 Reviews

Points: 25891
Reviews: 279

Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:34 am
Steggy wrote a review...

Hello, Steggy here for a short review! I haven't reviewed a script before so if I get anything wrong, let me know!

So, it seems like this is the first thing you've posted that relates to this. Usually, when you have characters that people haven't seen, you should describe them so that the readers are able to imagine them when they are in certain situations and whatnot. Another thing to keep in mind is even though in the beginning, you have a scene, I think you should have scenes throughout this one. Like, to show their actions or to show if they move around. There are times where you do show their actions but I feel like you should show more of their actions. And where are the men? Are they sitting down? Standing up? Riding on the back of a T-Rex? The possibilities are endless and usually when someone says/thinks that, your script should have some more description of the area the characters are at.
Also, description of the character's voice and style of dress. Basically, you should add some more description to this. You might have the perfect image in your head but the reader doesn't know what is happening in your head so, as I've been saying, add the description when it is needed.

The overall plot of this script is kind of loose and what I suggest to fix this is kind of giving the reader the main overview of what has been happening. With this, it might help the reader pick up from where you left off in the plot and if they just came across your script, a clear summary of what had happened. There are some capitalization mistakes in here as well but that kind of common with most people.

Overall, this could use some work. Though I'm sure if you revise it, the piece will grab the attention of others. If you have any questions, let me know!


Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle