this poem didnt make much sense and it was a little bit to much to take in
lulu
You've been cross-dressing again, dear sidestreet,
And I've been staring at you for so long, while the noise
Of the seven jazz quartets (almost six cellos in all)
Has been ringing inside me like a thousand quivering bells
Pulled from the quiver of some gypsy
And her row of horsehair tapestries
Almost warmer than the skin
Of another moonlit, pale wire
Hanging over me like frost against a windowpane
Reflecting roaming wolves in the water
And the us between the leaves.
I am scared now. Away from me, go, until I turn
My clock ahead a few hours, just in time for summer solstice.
Daylight savings time never meant much until you gave up.
Until she came inside and tore down the curtains.
It's too bright in here, you used to say.
I almost think I'm beginning to agree.
I agree; the first stanza is the strongest, although "quiver" should not be repeated in such close proximity. I'd skip the second stanza altogether - it adds nothing to the poem and is badly phrased. With a little bit of tweaking the poem should work fine without it.
Overall a nice piece; some excellent imagery. Do try to tone down the huge, run-on sentences and add a bit of punctuation here and there, though!
Cheers,
~bubbles
I love the first stanza of this. The imagery is great, and I love the tone of the poem. One thing I would say is that "Away from me, go," doesn't sound quite right to me, like the words need to be rearranged or something. Also, the repetition of quiver in the first stanza. Apart from that, great work.
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