Walk in the light,
they tell me walk in the light
I can’t find the light
It’s just dark all over
I can’t even see
It’s dark all over, just dark all over
I can’t see and
I can’t breathe
Somehow I’ve fallen and
I’m drowning
Down too deep
to see the light
Which way do I go?!
Which way is right?
I’m trying, I’m trying to walk in the light
but it’s just dark all over
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Nice poem you give a great feeling of lost through this poem to the readers. It's simple yet impactful.
Thank you
We can't go searching for happiness, we can only find it exactly where we are. Too many people think that if they go looking for happiness, they will find it, they won't. We can only have happiness if we can accept that we already have, it's right in front of us, we just have to open our eyes and see it. For some, it's harder to open than eyes than it may be for others. In some cases, we need other to help open our eyes to see the beautiful thing that is happiness.
Ah, you have a poem right in your review mate!
Hey dude, I completely understand how you feel. I have a lot of existential crisis moments, if you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. Not saying you have to or I know what you're actually going through, but I feel ya. Also it's a great poem and clearly filled with emotion. Sometimes you need the dark though, if it makes sense, my words are a little jumbled. Good job with it keep writing my dude.
Thanks so much mate! Means a lot never really had someone offer that before
Hey, Luke here for a quick review!
First of all, welcome to YWS! Its great to have more people joining us, especially poets (but thats just because I'm biased ahah). So, in my regular review style, I'll go through what I liked, then any suggestions for improvement, and finally a summary of my thoughts.
One clear strength of this poem is the emotion that it conveys. We've all been in a situation that we struggle to see any positive in, we've all experienced hopelessness, and this poem perfectly captures that, so massive kudos for that. I think the simplicity of the language used is a real asset in that regard. Repetition had also greatly contributed to the effectiveness of the poem, as we see desperation in it.
In terms of suggestions for improvement, in somewhat of a conflict with my earlier comment, I'd love to see some more poetic imagery and language in here. Simplicity works, but sometimes readers crave a little more. As a poet, you have such a vast array of poetic devices at your disposal- don't be afraid to use them!
In conclusion, an excellent and emotive poem with great potential. I'm really excited to see what else you write!
Yours,
Olli
Thank you!
You said exactly what I was trying to say but couldn't get right. so @IAmKai, I agree with Luke...
Thank you. I will keep that in mind. I do not use imagery very often so it should be good to experiment with.
Thanks to @TheWordsOfWolf as well
Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!
Mood, Tone, Perspective, Themes, and Narrative
Your overall theme of hopelessness and attempting to "find the light" or good in a situation is very clear. There is no confusion there. Your wording and the emotions you have established go with this theme very well. I'm very impressed by that actually.
I love the defeated yet slightly hopeful tone of the narrator. Those last two lines state volumes on the overall feelings you're trying to portray.
So that's very good.
Language, Diction, and Style
Your choice of diction is very simplistic and easy to follow. It's very easy for a reader of any level to understand your poem. That's a good thing.
I particularly like the way you wrote these two lines.
However, as this is a poem, it could be expanded. I would love to see some more figurative language such as similes, metaphors, and well developed images.
Like for the lines I quoted maybe an image of being at the bottom of a well and barely able to see the sky above. Something like that can make this poem even better.
This light and dark theme is very common and every poet makes it their own. You chose to repeat the words "light" and "dark" often. That's okay, but perhaps some more flowery words or synonyms might mix it up a bit and make this poem better.
Don't go crazy though. Make sure the words flow well with your structure.
I also enjoyed the repetition. Repetition is great when adding power and emphasis to certain points.
Structure, Flow, and Rhythm
Overall, your rhythm is very nice. So that's very impressive. Many young poets including myself struggle a lot with rhythm. Either you have a knack for it or are good at editing.
There are so little fixes here. First of all, punctuation when utilized properly can truly enhance the flow of a poem. Commas and periods could be used here to enhance the rhythm and place emphasis on certain points. You can also add, remove, or replace words as well to help the rhythm. Your enjambment can be played around with too. Sometimes if we choose to break apart lines, that can either help or hurt the rhythm. Read your poems out loud. From the way we recite it, we can truly see when the rhythm is off-putting.
So try this.
"Walk in the light.
They tell me to walk in the light.
Yet I can't find the light.
It's just dark all over.
I can't even see,
and I can't breathe.
Somehow,
I've fallen
and I'm drowning;
Too deep
to see the
Which way do I go?
Which way is right?
I'm trying.
I'm trying to walk
in the light,
but it's just so dark.
It's so dark all over."
If you don't like that, experiment! Or keep it the way it is. It's all up to you. Whatever critiques I give or you receive from others are suggestions. Take it or leave it, it's up to you.
Grammar
Overall, your poem is great grammar wise. You fixed auto-cap, which is GREAT!
Final Word
Great poem! I loved reading this! Never stop writing! I think you have a great approach and style! I hope to read more from you.
WELCOME TO YOUNG WRITER'S SOCIETY!!!! I hope you find this community rewarding and amazing, as I did.
~ Via
Hey thank you for the review! I found this really helpful
You're welcome! Welcome to Young Writer's Society