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by IAmJane


Her bed was full of wrappers Chips Candybars and gummy bear packages Her hands were full of her stomach Clutching the skin around her bones Searching for the rolls that were never there Her eyes were full on tears Staring at the scale She did not lose enough this week But she was tired of it Tired of the taunting Ridicule Unacceptance She was tired of the starvation So she ate


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297 Reviews


Points: 9917
Reviews: 297

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Tue May 28, 2013 3:52 pm
Kaylyn wrote a review...



Just a few things:

Structure/Form:
It looks as if you formatted this to go into stanzas, but there was a posting mistake. None-the-less, here is a suggested format and a line by line review:

Her bed was full of wrappers
Chips Candybars and gummy bear packages
Chips, candybars, and gummy bears.
Her hands were full of her stomach
This line makes no sense.
Clutching the skin around her bones,
Searching for the rolls that were never there
Searching for imaginary rolls
Her eyes were full on tears
Her eyes full of tears
Staring at the scale
She did not lose enough this week
This line doesn't quite fit with the rest of the flow.
But she was tired of it
Remove "but"
Tired of the taunting
Ridicule
Unacceptance
She was tired of the starvation
Remove "the", it is unnecessary.
So she ate
Add a period.




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Tue May 28, 2013 5:09 am
Shubham wrote a review...



Hey

Welcome to the YWS.
This is your first poetry,so I want to suggest you this is not good way to write a poetry.
You write it as a paragraph so it not attract any body.
I am agree with thewritersdream.You have need to read it carefully and improve your writing skill. You become a good writter so keep writing.
thanks.




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Tue May 28, 2013 4:38 am
Skydreamer wrote a review...



Hey! I'm reviewing this!

So, I think you really need to talk to someone (like me! :P) About getting some help with poetry formatting. Now, I am not perfect with it, far from it, but I know there is poetry that can just go into a paragraph, and then poetry that cannot. Also, you need periods. Everybody needs periods!! :P No but seriously I gotta ask, was this an accident? I just want to know, I am not being sarcastic or anything. I am just wondering.

Spoiler! :
Also, Welcome to YWS! I will be posting on your wall once done with this. And remember you can always ask for help! :)


Okay so, here are some pointers on how you can organize this.

Her bed was full of wrappers,
Chips,
Candybars,
and gummy bear packages. -- This would be the first stanza. It's pretty simple but with good rythym.

Her hands were full of her stomach,
Clutching the skin around her bones,
Searching for the rolls that were never there. -- Ah, now we are getting deeper.

Her eyes were full of tears,
Staring at the scale,
She did not lose enough this week,
But she was tired of it. -- This is interesting, now I am seeing that she seems like someone who is going through a serious eating disorder. This is sad, yet, meaningful.

She was tired of the taunting,
the ridicule,
the nonacceptance. -- And this brings to light the reasons for her eating disorder.

She was tired of the starvation,
So she ate. -- Is this a happy ending? I am not sure. I think that you should expand a little on this last one so that we can know whether this is a happy ending or not. Never mind, the title tells all. :/ It's not a happy ending. Well, good job on the title then.

So, overall, I think that you have some real potential here. I had a great teacher who told me I was a writer who could write stuff about pain and hurt, and I think you can too. It's a difficult topic to write about but it is important to write about it, to relate with people and to let it be known. Because the only people who really knows what it feels like are the people who experience it, we writers just try to let the world also get a glimpse of that. So kudos to you on that one. That said though, please don't submit poetry of this form like that again. And I say this because I didn't see the deep meaning you were getting at until separating it and putting it in the format above. So remember, especially with poetry the way you write it matters. And periods and commas are important! They help people know the rythym and when to pause, when to stop.

Good job though,

and dream on!




IAmJane says...


I tried to put it in poem format but i did it from my phone so it wouldnt let me:( but thank you




The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris