Published April 2, 2010
This is something called the "Hourglass Formula". It's an excercise in experimental poetics and circular form. It must be read twice through with attention payed to what I call the "Bottleneck", which is the part in the poem where the parenthetical dialogue and the dialogue in the poetic foreground switch. In this poem the "Bottleneck" is "atomic eves".
To say the least (brittle bones cast)
the passing trains (over quilted tracks)
feed me at times (sing freight songs into)
eclipsing the factories steel tongued
whispers, "Darling (megaphones, curled as cats,)
come here, lets light (laced; sunrise grown wild on)
effigies to ants,
feed them ____________atomic eves)".
Shining like shadow ("I'd awoken)
from a mushroom cloud camera (blind)
darklight shows
sun to shame, cornered (staring sweat starved
on canvas greys. (at the wall.")
Lovely mist
(morning) tasting of
skinwalkers (caught)
mid-commute, (mid-breath).
She'd have me keep it, (parading blood ties)
like a candle, (round posey)
and burn on out into regret. (roulettes,)
dancing in the chamber (dancing on their wombs,)
laying crescendos flushed (marrow entombed inside)
with trains past. (brittle caskets,) Points:
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Alright, now that I have some time.
The first stanza and the 'bottleneck' stanza are very strong. If you take the time to read the parenthetical dialogue and the dialogue separately, then read them together they make sense together. This has a brilliant effect on the poem, and gives it multidimensional effect that sinks into the reader's brain if they take the time to think about it.
Unfortunately, in the following stanzas (particularly these ones:)
You lose that 3-D effect that tells several different stories at once. And you lose that mirror imaging that was working so well for you. The ideas just aren't tied together individually and in the format that you were aiming for. And you start to lose your reader, and fast.
The last stanza weaves all these threads together, but you have a big knot in the middle that interrupts the hourglass pattern you had.
Seriously consider editing this, or trying again, I'd love to see this type of thing again.
Kamas
I'm ver confused right now. I'm not sure quite what you were trying to do, or what the poem was even about but I liked it. No, I loved it. Ther was something about the engery and the flow of the poem that totally grabbed me. It sucked me in. It reminds me of a song I used to listen to. I would sit on my bed with my window open and the wind would tug at my hair. I jus remember being filled with expenctance and hapiness, or perhaps contedness is the right word. I don't know what I was waiting for but I was. Your poem was just absolutely wondeful. And maybe I got it wrong. Maybe that wasn't the feeling you were going for but if it was then you nailed it. Good job.
Hypo, I like it a lot. Factories should be Factory's. Also, I really didn't like "darklight."
the penultimate stanza was really weak I thought, but the stanza above it was really strong.
That last stanza started out strong but ended weak, so I think you should rework the energy flow is downward, like a pyramid I guess.
That's all
best,
I shall review this. Quite amazing, thank you.