The Demon War was raging non-stop in a forest just outside Titan City, a large underground storage facility occupied a clearing in the middle of the woods. The demons had saw an opportunity to invade earth and took it, catching everyone off-guard they easily took over city after city. After what seemed like hours of non-stop fighting it was suddenly quiet around the storage facility. One man took this opportunity to step outside for a well needed cigarette, his white tank top and green cammo pants stained with blood from both humans and demons. This area had become a hotspot due to the increasing number of people comming to the storage facility to take shelter from the slaughter in the cities. The man slowly slipped off his black ski mask, which was was standard with his uniform, and stuffed it into his waist band. His eyes slowly trailed along the tree-line for any signs of movement. It was pitch black so his eyes had to move along with the spot lights patrolling the forest edge ontop of two watch towers on each side of a large, heavy metal door, the only way into the facility. Seeing nothing he reached into his pocket and pulled out a smashed up pack of cigarettes, pulling a slightly bent cigarette out and putting between his lips. "Oh the sacrifices I have to make out here.." he said jokingly as he pulled out a lighter and lit the end of the cigarette, the orange glow lighting up his face each time he inhaled.
((to be updated))
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So a slightly rushed beginning that you have there. Besides that though it seems to be done pretty well. I'm seeing some great descriptions and the the language that you have used is overall really good.
Anyway let's get right to it,
So I'm just to quote this whole chunk at once. First of all this is not something that should be in one paragraph. You should be using three or at the very least two to express these ideas and there are clear places that you can easily split this us to make this easier to read and also to get your point across much better. So please be careful with that.
Other than that, I really liked your description of this man. The way that he talked and the way that he was described really gives us a very good picture of who he has and some hints about his personality as well so great job there.
The thing that I felt was a little off about this one is the fact that you had skimped on the description at the start. The whole that you sum in two or three sentences is just very rushed and it just seems like you were too lazy to write anything detailed so I would suggest elaborating on that or just omitting it entirely depending on whether this is meant to be a novel or the start of something bigger like that or are you just going to leave this as is. You have mentioned that you will update it although considering that you said that fifteen years ago I would suppose that you did update it.
Aaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So..I don't think I have much to say overall because I pretty much already did that in the earlier part with this being such a short excerpt. All I can say is besides the beginning the rest flowed quite well and it was a fun little story to read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I'm so confused... but that's who I am. And I have no background for this silly story... well. have fun writing it, I'll have fun readin' it. Hopeing for lots of blood and guts.
Well, the idea behind the story is good, but it needs some work.
Never do this in writing. It is a very bad thing to do. For multiple reasons: 1. it is a run on. 2. While it attempts to introduce things to your reader, it really doesn't. In fact it does the opposite, it makes them even more confused. What demon war? Whats Titan city? Which woods? etc. These are some of the questions that ran through my head while I read this. Also, it seems very, simplistic. It doesnt read like a story but it sounds like a poorly done news report. It just doesn't seem....right. I don't know, maybe thats just me, but it feels like there should be some description here.
First problem: run on, please, please, please, punctuation is your freind. Learn to use them well. Second: "the demons had SEEN." not "had saw", had SEEN.
Thirdly, this seems like it would be a very key point in the story, it seems like there should be more detail here. Describe the thinking and/or planning that went into it, perhaps?
.
Please, show us, don't tell us.
The rest of the story follows the same basic principles as all the other examples above, so I don't see the need to point out every flaw. Please remember, show, don't tell, and grammar is your freind.
I do however really like the idea of the story, please, flesh it out more with more description, because I really think it has lots of potential.
Okay, I guess I'll wait for the update.