Published August 6, 2009
A mother’s grief; how she lost her child
A child’s playground; swimming all day
A training ground for athletes; swimming every day
A pool of ideas; excellent for creative minds
A source of electricity; turbines always turning
A garbage dump for some; they don’t care
A different type of road; float instead of drive
A home for animals; species coexisting
A final resting place; eternally floating
There are so many things water can be
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Canary word: Present
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140,570 Literary Works • 673,474 Reviews
Hi Hypknowsis,
The question you need to ask yourself for this one is "Why does it matter?" Right now, it doesn't really seem to be that important why water is all these things that you mentioned...just that it is. Of course, a lack of direction and purpose in a poem is never good, and unfortunately this piece either has no compass or has lost it a long time ago. Connect these symbols to each other, perhaps; you've done so rather well in the first two lines, when you compare children playing and simultaneously drowning in the same water, illustrating some kind of duality. From there on, though, it just becomes meaningless. Give it a reason to exist; as I stated before, uniting two or more symbols together is a way of at least igniting a spark as to where to go with the poem in general.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
i like this and the concept. The only thing is that I think the last line kind of ruins it. It's a great poem and it gets you thinking truly about all the things water is involved in, but the last line kind of repeats the unspoken point of the poem itself. It's like describing something the entire time and then repeating what the entire poem is about in one line at the end. I find it unnecessary. I think the title brings the whole thing together enough. Otherwise very well written.
Whoa, you really want to think about this! there really are thousands of things water can be. who knew? thanks for pointing it out. keep writing!
I started to read and I had to look at the title again because I forgot what you were talking about. Good ideas though. It changes the way you think about water to see that it is more than just one thing. I also like how each line in a way connects to the next, if you think about it. Again great job!
Hi. You make some interesting associations with water here. My favourite is;
"A mother’s grief; how she lost her child."
In itself, I can't really see anything wrong with this, except "all day ", which I'd change, because you use "every day" in the next line.
However, I think it might be interesting to take one of these ideas and make it into a poem in its own right. I'd follow the thought and use imagery and poetic language to show the reader what you think water is rather than telling them.
Hope this helps.
Jas
This poem is cool, It's really interesting poem & I love how you write about water in different ways
this poem is nice
short and sweet and i wouldn't have guessed that u were talking about although it is also the title
good job very interesting poem
You really want you're readers to think!
This was some unconventional and unique work.The different possibilities you gave make us think about water in so many different ways.
You seem talented.
Keep going at it.