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139,660 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hello Hymar. Since you've mentioned having issues with formatting, I'm not going to cover that except to suggest that you maybe try to format this again. Nate, the site owner, has made quite a few fixes since you posted this, and so it's worth a try. If formatting still doesn't work, you might want to consider posting in the bug report thread with details like your browser and what sort of device you're using so the issue can be fixed.
With that said, I'm assuming you put in slashes to separate stanzas, so I went and formatted a copy to work with.
In this first stanza, you have a case of really awkward rhyming. The fourth line just feels forced, and I would strongly recommend reworking that line and the next so that you don't have to use such an awkward phrase as "from sun's ray". In addition, the last line just hangs there as a bit out of place syntactically, not really following from the rest of the stanza/sentence, which makes the neck (which as really odd body part to focus on) appear all the odder.
The rest of the poem suffers from similar problems, such as the 'tis in the second stanza being unnaturally archaic, and the falling high bit being contradictory without any development or explanation. All these things combine together to give the feeling that this poem has been shoehorned into rhyming.
Not all poems have to rhyme, and when it comes to writing about tragedies like the Dana Air Flight where so many lives were lost, it's often best to not force the poem to rhyme. Rhymes are inherently carefully structured, and they work to make a poem "prettier". When you're talking about mangled bodies and high death tolls, it's more than a little out of place to prettify the writing, especially if it results in forced rhymes.
I think this poem would be much better and come across as more sincere if it were not being forced to rhyme. Right now, it reads like a poem exploiting the tragedy instead of one calling for healing and prayer.
Oh my, that one is a bit below the belt as I worked on it for weeks. Maybe it has to do with the differences in interpretation, maybe you are right...maybe...maybe...maybe
Well, I'll just say that I didn't say you wrote it to be that way. I only said that it read that way. Sometimes what we mean to say comes across in the completely opposite direction.
'Advancement's bus' aptly describes technological advents and changes that r said to be good but in this case(The Dana plane crash of Lagos,Nigeria),such 'progress' have their own drawbacks. And in some parts of the world,the parrot is a mythic figure whose presence bodes no good and note a parrot can symbolize a plane. Sooth should be easy since the victims of the crash were charred beyond belief.
P.S-the key to a good review is knowing the background of the piece. Thanks
Hey, Hymar. Have you tried using the preview feature? Do you copy your work straight in from a word processing program? I heard the new posting code is supposed to keep all your code from the word (or other) document, so you don't have to edit it. Is that what you've been doing? Try using preview, too, to catch a problem before it comes out. And if you're doing all of that, don't worry~ Everything is still getting sorted out with updates.
On to the poem, then~
Firstly, I have, I think a vague idea of what is happening, but if it's wrong, it's up to you to edit to clarify. Some sort of technology disaster? I am not sure what wreck means, but I see the soot and the clap of thunder. I think it would do you good to give us an even MORE concrete hint in the title, so we can carry that hint with us through your poem, which stays rather abstract, and get a better understanding. Hints are always good to welcome more people into the circle able to read your work.
Now, that said, I want to question a couple of weird word choices.
The first is:
I wonder why you chose "bus". Does it have to do with this particular tragedy? If so, it might not be a good idea to pair the abstract (advancement) with the concrete (bus), because it cheapens both the reality and the abstract. What I mean is, if the bus is real, labeling it with a lofty ideal makes it not seem real, AND attaching something as mundane as a bus to advancement makes it seem cheap, so we want to avoid both of those things!
Maybe I am from the wrong part of the world, but I have never considered a parrot to be a bird of doom. If it is, could you explore this just a little more in the poem, to give an anchor to readers who aren't familiar with that pairing? I understand if you want to keep this poem as an insider's message: only for people who know the tragedy and the part of the world it comes from, but if YOU don't want to do that, you can open it up to all of us a little in these ways.
Overall, I'm wondering if you can put in more specifics. Right now it seems like a rather generic poem: a bad thing happened and I'm sad about it. Bringing specifics and more concrete sights not only discusses the event but petrifies it for future readers, even ones who weren't there, the ones that wouldn't remember it without your poem.
Good luck, my friend, and message me if you have any questions!
Man,I dunno why each time I submit my stuff it turns out jumbled and earns me bad reviews. Admin should look into this.
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
Heyhey. try editing your work and inserting spaces?
I did that