Published August 16, 2012
The men and women who had been selected were given only three hours warning. Three hours to get all of their possessions together. Three hours to say goodbye to all of their friends and family. To say goodbye to the ones who had not been chosen. The ones who they would likely never be seeing again.
One man named Aiden had no such ties. No relatives, no friends, not even a pet to bid farewell. He was done packing his clothes in less than five minutes. The only other thing he took was a framed picture. He carefully slipped it into his bag and sat on the bed waiting.
Eventually Aiden grew restless and went outside scanning his surroundings. Not to reminisce about what he would be leaving behind. No he would not miss this sad excuse for a town. But to look forward to what lay ahead.
He lived in a small camp town one of many that had sprung up all across the country as the imminent bombings of all the major cities became inevitable. Some of them had actually grown to be quite impressive. In size and in innovation.
Aiden had known to avoid these, since after the cities the tent towns would be next to be destroyed. Instead he headed out until he reached the last camp tent for the next fifty miles. He had settled down quickly and waited. He knew that it was just a matter of time before the conflict exploded into violence and he would either survive or die. Aiden had waited for months and months and now it was finally upon them.
The camp town was located on a perfectly flat plain with overgrown grass all around them and the only sign of civilization the occasional fighter jet that would pass over them.
Whenever that would happen most people would flee to their tents or cower on the ground. Not Aiden. He would stand outside and stare at the jets as they flew overhead, almost as if he was daring them to kill him. To Aiden the citizens of this camp town overvalued their own worth. The jets were heading towards the cities that actually mattered. Not some rag tag tent town with a population of just under one hundred that had sprouted up in the middle of nowhere. Besides, even if the jets were coming to kill them, there wasn't anything they could do about it. Better to retain some dignity and stand up to them.
Aiden had set up his tent on the outskirts of the town preferring to be on his own. A few people had approached him, trying to sell their wares or buy some of his, but he always turned them away. Eventually they got the point and he was all, but left alone.
Looking up Aiden saw that the sky was starting to darken and he felt the first of many rain droplets to come splatter on his cheek. He wiped it off his face and a smile crossed his face. What was more perfect than a storm to signal the ending of a not so perfect world? His morbid sense of humor sickened him and he felt ill, the smile fading. Though he acted as though he wanted the war to begin already, he did not want to die. He was still young even if he didn't look it or act it.
At the sound of thunder Aiden ducked back into his tent and waited a while longer until he heard the sound of propellers cutting through the air blending with the sound of the rain and thunder. Knowing it was time he picked up his bag and walked to the tents entrance.
By now the rain had increased to an all out downpour and through the waves of liquid Aiden could see five large black helicopters landing on the outskirts of the town. They were sleek, deadly looking machines and in no way did they reassure him that everything would be alright after war broke out.
He walked out into the open, instantly getting soaked through by the freezing rain, and headed for the helicopters. Luckily his bag was waterproof, so he didn't worry about the photo. The ground was muddy and made it difficult for him to move so he had to slog forward slowly. Glancing behind him he saw other people who had been chosen following along. Some had family members clinging to their arms trying to make them stay, or perhaps trying go along.
Most of them stopped for a few moments and comforted their loved ones. Aiden looked on solemnly. He had once had a family, but that had been long ago. He knew that moments with them were to be cherished. And it was in that cherished moment that the selfish struck.
Aiden knew that there had been a gang of around ten men that had come into town not long ago. Maybe a week ago give or take a few days. He also, knew that it was a bad idea to associate with them. They had the looks of murderers and thieves about them, and if life had taught Aiden anything it was to be cautious.
As the relatives were comforting one another the first shot rang out, and a voice roared above the storm, “If you deserve to live so do we! And if you leave us to die you die as well!”
Then shots filled the air and people dropped to the ground holding grievous wounds. Aiden's first instinct was to rush to help them, but he realized it was useless. He turned and made for the helicopters.
Halfway there he felt a bullet hit his shoulder and he fell over into the thick mud turning over to make sure he didn't suffocate.
Soldiers from the helicopters saw what was happening and jumped out aiming their rifles at the gang and firing. The gang members were no match and in thirty seconds no one was standing on the plain. Unfortunately that included all of the people that were chosen to leave.
Aiden tried to get up, but the pain in his shoulder was unbearable. One soldier spotted him and came over to help him, pulling him to his feet. He showed them his pass as they helped support him.
He was helped onto one of the helicopters and minutes later they were tearing through the sky, lightning all around them and rain battering them on all sides. High winds threatened to take the copter down, but somehow it stayed on course.
Inside, Aiden's wound was treated with much swearing and bellowing on his part. In the end the bullet was removed and his wound wrapped tightly.
Aiden was then allowed to sit up and take a seat. He stared out the tiny side window of the helicopter and his mind was filled with vivid memory of the shooting. Every bullet fired. The terror on each and everyone of the victims faces.
He was not surprised it had happened, only saddened. On the road to his camp town Aiden had seen many acts such as the one that had just occurred, but he had managed to avoid all of them. Up until then.
No emotion registered on Aiden's face. It was an impassable mask. He did not shed a tear for the fallen. Not because he did not believe they deserved it, but because he knew it would make no difference and because he knew that there were many more just like the ones who had just died that were having no tears shed for them. So he rode on, his face impossible to read.
The driver of the craft informed him that they were approaching the landing site. It was at the exact moment the pilot finished his sentence that the aircraft was hit.
Aiden was thrown to one side as the entire body of the helicopter rocked to one side and a hole in the side opposite of him appeared. Rain doused the interior getting in Aiden's eyes and blinding him.
The pilot was trying to get the vehicle under control, but it was an effort in futility. The only place the aircraft was going was the ground.
Aiden's disorientation increased as the vehicle spun out of control and smashed into the ground the propellers ripping themselves apart and the sides buckling.
The collision sent Aiden flying into the air and he was thrown out the hole in the side of the copter.
Unconsciousness overtook him for an instant before he was brought back by the sound of someone calling his name. His eyes snapped open and he found himself looking up into the blackened sky. This was promptly replaced with the grizzled face of one of the soldiers.
He was screaming at Aiden and pointing at something in the distance. Aiden's ears were wringing from the explosion in the helicopter, the voice finally came through after fifteen seconds or so.
“The pit is over there,” the soldier screamed. “Everyone else is already there. Get there and once you get in the lift hit the orange button. Go!”
Aiden groggily got up and swayed on his feet. With his senses finally returning he heard gunfire all around him. Sweeping his gaze around revealed enemy ground troops firing at the surviving soldiers of the crash. Who the enemy was made no difference to Aiden. Every country was their enemy these days.
The soldier had pointed at what looked like a long abandoned warehouse. It was maybe two hundred meters away not far in ordinary circumstances, but with the threats all around it seemed insurmountable to Aiden.
Still, he knew he needed to try and staying low made for it. Gunshots grazed the ground near him multiple times, but never hit him. He was astonished to find himself at the door to the warehouse still intact. He pushed it open, it's hinges giving off an unholy screech as they turned for the first time in what Aiden guessed was something like a century.
He moved inside and was immediately confronted with a large lift the likes of which miners used when descending deep underground. It was placed directly in the middle of the floor and looked much too modern for a place like this. The gleaming lift was in sharp contrast to the rotting beams of the warehouse and the hay scattered all across the floor. A dark pit was dug right beneath the lift and it seemed to leer ominously at Aiden. But the real thing that stood out was a massive cap directly beside the the pit.
It was huge, its diameter much wider than the pit and at least four feet thick. There was a gargantuan mechanical hinge that Aiden guessed would move the cap to cover the pits entrance.
Aiden knew that he should do as the soldier said and press the orange button, but he had to take one last look at the outside world.
He nudged the door open wincing at it's noisiness just as the downed helicopter exploded. Aiden flinched away. It was the single most horribly spectacular thing he had ever seen. Horrible because he knew the soldiers that had brought him had died and spectacular because of the scale of the explosion. Through it all Aiden's face remained expressionless though inside anger and sadness boiled inside him battling for dominance..
For a second he was afraid that the enemy soldiers would come for him, but they pulled back and disappeared over a low sweeping hill. Of course they wouldn't come to seek revenge on an unarmed citizen. They had better things to do. Like destroy the world. Not that he could totally blame them. His country had done its fair share.
Aiden took one last look around, the last he would see of the surface for many years, and walked over to the lift. When he stepped on he felt it sway slightly, but stabilize right away.
There was a panel attached to the lift and it was adorned by three buttons. One green, one red, and the last orange.
The soldier had told Aiden to press the orange one and as soon as he did the lift jolted beneath him and began it's descent into the darkness. The light from the outside world was abruptly cut off as the cap swung over the entrance to the pit and lowered onto it with a resounding thump.
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Great story! I thought you did very well setting a tone and maintaining it throughout the story. I was also impressed how much character development you managed in third person, and in such a short piece. I would love to read more. Keep writing and never give up. -Jack Ammon
Like most pieces, there was the occasional grammar mistake, but nothing major. Overall, I very much liked it! All I could recommend would be the spacing--I believe that the more space between the paragraphs, the more clearly and lucidly the piece flows, for it is easier to read. That's just my opinion, however, and feel free to ignore me. I'm new at this. <3 But well done!
Yours psychotically,
- thelocalmaniac
I found this part confusing
"Eventually they got the point and he was all, but left alone."
I think you worded it kind of weird, but that can be easily fixed.
"Though he acted as though "
Maybe remove one of those 'though's?
"Aiden was then allowed to sit up and take a seat."
This sentance sounds a little off
"The terror on each and everyone of the victims faces."
It should say "The terror on each and every one of the victims faces."
I found several place where you could use commas, but otherwise there is nothing else wrong with it.
I wanted to know more about the photo he had. Who was it of? What was his connection to that photo?
This is a great piece and I enjoyed every minute of it. Thank you so much ap the good work!
-Makenna
oops! I meant to say "Thank you so much ad keep up the good work!
-Makenna"
Sorry!!!!
and* :3
lol i'm stupid!!!!!!!!
I'm not very nit picky when it comes to other people's writings, so I'm just gonna say what I think. I really like. It definitely caught my attention from the get go. What was the war about any way? just a curious question, no response needed. But again I did like a lot. I've never been a big fan of war type stories but I've recently found them entertaining, and this was really entertaining.
It always comes across awkward when I try to begin a review, so, instead of trying to make it seem natural, I am starting this review by stating that I suck at starting reviews. It's a very true fact. See, I've proved it just now.
Anyhow, for the review:
~ Alright, so this paragraph is a bit awkward. The 'scanning' sets you up to make a longer sentence, "Eventually Aiden grew restless and went outside, scanning his pathetic surroundings, making himself glad that he was given the opportunity to leave, looking forward to what lay in his future." See? This is a long sentence that (I don't think) sacrificed any of the information, while still being informative.Alright, so I really like the way you begin this tale. It jumps right to action: people being selected. It drew my attention in quickly, and made me read on to see what they had been selected for. The only nitpick I saw in the beginning was the that you use very short sentences. I am a firm believer of long, descriptive sentences, as you might notice by the time I finally finish this review.
The advice I recieved was to make my sentences as long as I could, while still making sense. It was explained to me that periods are like little stop signs in the piece, making the mind pause between each sentence; and it's easier to keep people interested if they don't have the chance to 'stop'.
Okay, in between that point that I mentioned and this next point, the only thing I saw to complain about is the nearness of your paragraphs. You should add an extra line in between, to be kind to your readers' eyes.
~ Punctuated very oddly indeed. I cannot say much here, however, without being a hypocrite, because I abuse the power of commas myself. I know that I struggle with commas, and, if you do too, the thing that helps me is to say the sentence outloud if I'm not sure; to see how it flows.
~ I apologize if I get on your nerves with my nit picks, but I'm a grammar and punctuation snob, and point out flaws where I see them. I won't punish you with my full lecture on possessive/plural nouns, as you've done excellent with them thus far, but this is possessive. It is the tent's entrance; therefore, apostrophe 's'.
~ Another unnecessary comma.
~ Double negatives are a no-no, haha. Perhaps 'Not because he disrespected them, but because he..."
~ Up 'til now, you've done a fairly good job of being descriptive (but I still don't have a clear image of your protagonist in my mind) but I think that this bit would benefit from more description here. Instead of 'the driver of the craft informed him that they were approaching the landing site' try, "The pilot came across the headset, hard to hear for the static. "We'll be landing in about a minute and a half. Please secure your-" the craft spun around as another helicopter crashed into it." Or something.
~ Ack! Add emotion! Detail! THE HELICOPTER CRASHED! It warrents more than a sentence!
~ Again, this has lots of potential for description that you don't utilize.
~~~
But, over all, it was a very good story. You ended the piece with suspense, which is something that I fail to do in the majority of my stories. Great job! I'm excited for part two!
Hi, first of all the description so far is really great, you really help set the scene and also introduce us to Aiden yet at the same time there is piles of things going on. I really like the character of Aiden, he's obviously been through a lot yet he still keeps going. I can't wait to find out more about the war or the place he is in as you described well yet at the same time left it as a mystery which was interesting. Will this be a short piece or do you plan on drawing it out? I think you mentioned that there would be another piece so hopefully there will be a bit more.
first I have to congratulate you on your vocabulary, as words like, "impassable" and "insurmountable" really gave this piece a fresh and beautiful feel. you spend a lot of time with description, which is good, because it is both one of your strengths, and a vital part of a post apocalyptic/war story. not only did I like your description, but I was also very fond of your MC. I like the "lone wanderer" thing you have going, with him being without a family, and having this stoic, shellshocked response to everything that hides his real feelings of fear, doubt, and pain. this is evident in the scene with the jets especially, where he has practically come to terms with death, and is now talking about things like dignity and honor. it really sets him apart from the other people around him, and shows one of his strengths/flaws.
on the other hand, there was one thing I think you could improve on, but luckily it's less about writing skill or style, and more about structure. at some points the story could get a little convoluted because you switched tense in a weird way, or threw in a sentence that sounded kind of awkward. notable examples would be: "Some had family members clinging to their arms trying to keep them with them" sounds a little awkward because you used "them" twice, and this sentence: "Aiden knew that there had been a gang of around ten men that had come into town not long ago." makes it seem like there is going to be a flashback. it was a little confusing because at first I thought we were still in the past, but everything was actually still in the present. these are easy things to fix, and don't cause that many problems, but if you're looking for an area to improve in, just make everything a little more clear.
I'm excited to read more, and I'd like it if you would PM me with links when new parts come out. I'm assuming by the colon and the ending that this is only part of the short story, so I'd love to review the next one too! Cheers, your friend,
---Psudiname
Thanks so much for the review Psudi!
You're right about it being the first part of a short story. It'll probably only have one more part to it and I'll make sure to PM you the link when I get it posted. I'm working on one other short story and then I'm going to finish this one up. I see what you mean about the tenses. I actually do that a lot unfortunately. It's one of my weaknesses in my writing. I'm working on it. The thing about the unclear pronouns is something I'll make sure to go back and fix. I almost edited that sentence, before posting, because I thought it sounded weird. Anyways, thanks again for the review.
-Hyjoinks
Hi there!

I want to know more!
I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. You had me hooked from the beginning and kept me interested through the entire piece. I'm really into action stuff so I loved your descriptions of the war. It's very realistic and I could imagine it all while reading through.
A few things to point out:
1) I was a little confused when the first shots were fired. You mentioned something about Aiden seeing a gang in the town earlier, and then all of the sudden the gang is there. You could say something about how he saw the gang approaching and thought back on when he had seen them earlier on. Something like that so the reader will understand that the gang was firing the shots. At first I thought it was the soldiers so I was really confused.
2) There are a lot of places where there are supposed to be commas, but there are none. I wasn't going to go through and point out every place because I'm sure you can find them if you reread. If you need any help finding those places though, feel free to PM me. I'll help you out
Overall this is a very enjoyable piece. The ending is wide open and it leaves me wanting more. Ever think of making this into a novel?
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Noelle,
Thanks for all the encouraging words. I'm new to this community, so it's nice to be welcomed. This is the first story that I've ever posted online, and in actuality, one of the first that I've shared with anyone. I suppose I should address the comma issue first, seeing as how I'm not usually one to miss punctuation. I probably wrote this entire piece in somewhere around a hour and a half, and I was going to wait and edit the whole thing, but I couldn't hold back, so I posted it. Also, I started this at like two in the morning so... Yes, I know excuses, excuses, but that really is what happened. Okay, onto the gang part. Looking back, I can definitely see what you mean about that part being confusing, and I'll try to go back and polish it up. Though on the other hand I guess it's supposed to be slightly sudden and confusing. I mean, the story is following Aiden for the entire thing. Anything the narrator talks about happening, is pretty much seen from Aiden's point of view. So when the gang hits and takes out all of the chosen people Aiden really is startled, and since there's a downpour outside it's hard to see. Sorry if that part was confusing to you though. I'll head back up there and clean it up. Thanks so much for the feedback.
-Hyjoinks