Published October 2, 2007
Let me try a rhyming poem now...
My arms swinging at my sides
As I run to find a place to hide
Twenty seconds until my defeat
Trying to ignore the pain in my feet
I hear them counting down
Then there is no sound
Whatever happened to apple, peaches, pumpkin pie
If you're not ready holler I?
Then someone screams "Homeward bound!"
Bodies spring up from the ground
As I look around I see
My friends all running to the tree
I follow them just like a sheep
But I forget to take a giant leap
Face first I fall into the creek
And now I've been tagged, I hate hide and seek
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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I agree with everybody--this is very cute. Especially the last line. Love how you put it in bold. There's just one thing you might consider changing, and that's the rhyme scheme. I know it can be hard to get your point across AND have flowing rhymes, but you're a good writer, and it shouldn't be a problem.
Awww I love poems like this because they're so innocent. It's really cute and childish. It's a very nice poem.
Awww....this was so sweet and cute....this has been one of mine favourite games since childhhood.I liked it a lot,well done buddy!!
I notice you like to make the ending line in your poems bold. is there a reason for that? To me it seems the last line really tells the story: he/she hates Hide and Seek because he/she gets tagged. And in your untitled poem you had: Don't open your locker [or something similar].
The 'can' is just a suggestion so you don't have to use it. 'down' and 'sound' are the odd couple, they don't rhyme as the Penguin has said already. It would be best to keep the first line and have something else in the that rhymes with 'down'.
Just noticed another odd couple:
I'm not good at rhyming but if I do find something that helps I'll come back to this later.
This is definitely something suitable for kids, I might try getting my younger siblings to read it out.
That was wonderful! I loved the feeling of the poem - as one who never liked Hide and Seek all that much - *nods* most wonderous.
My only issue is in this couplet...
'down' and 'sound' don't rhyme in the way the rest of your poem has, it stuck out.
Other then that it was brilliant.
*hearts* Le Penguin.
Hahaha. this is so cute! I love it
! The simple basic rhyming works with the whole hide and seek theme. I never would have done something like that. Nice!
I like this, it;s got a very playful feel to it. The structure worked well and I liked at the end how the author seemed disgruntled because they had been tagged so it was their turn to seek. They hate hide and seek.
I loved that.
I did a poem about Hide and Seek, but it's a lot more simple than this. Check it out in my portfolio if you want; it's called Hidden. Yours is complex compared to mine. Hehe