I wish I could delete this

by HumanTrash

Published January 26, 2018

16+ Language Violence

In Storys

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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I wish I could delete this.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Queentera40 Review
Queentera40 wrote a review Review · Jan 28, 2018

(Reviews are my enemy. Everything I write comes off as choppy or forced and sometimes rude. If any of this happens, please forgive me) The characters seem to be a reflection of each other. Nicolai is very similar to Oceania vice versa. Celeste and Basker are also identical. However, they each retain specific traits that completely cuts off their similarities. Where Nicolai is impatient and relentless, Oceania is more understanding and calmer in a sense. The same can be said for Baker and Celeste. I liked the plot and the descriptions because everything played in my head like a scene from the Goonies. Every description is like an imprint in my mind that helps me create possible theories about the different characters. I'm really looking forward to reading more

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Radrook
Review
Radrook wrote a review Review · Jan 28, 2018

Thanks for sharing this story. Here are my suggestions to improve it. Wish I could say more but I have a headache.


dirt-covered

Before anyone can come to their. Please note that the pronoun anyone is singular and so must be expressed like this “his senses" otr “her senses” or “his or her senses”.

....can't be good[,]" she says

“Why not?" [h]e yells turning to the others. [It is not a new sentence but a continuation.]

....you [too] cowardly to embrace....

your're right [you’re]
The word “your” is totally different from the contraction of “you are” written as “you’re.

camels back [camel’s]
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Please separate the dialogue from the rest of the narrative so that it stands out and is easier to read. Otherwise everything merges into a big block of text. Something like this:

They fall through the portal and onto the dirt covered ground.

Oceania sighs.

"That can't be good." she says staring at the place where the portal used to reside. Nikolai kicks the ground and dust flies up into the motionless air.

"From one hell to another." Nikolai mutters under his breath.

Oceania glares at him. "Can you not?" She asks annoyed.

Nikolai glares back at her. "Why not?" He yells turning to the others.

"Can't someone as knowledgeable as you handle the truth, the rectification of your own actions ?”

See how much easier it is to follow and read?

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Alexey Review
Alexey wrote a review Review · Jan 28, 2018

Hello,
I enjoyed the story, I think it has some potential to say the least. I would definitely suppose that the addition of the first chapter would give it a lot more body and meaning, so I look forward to that.
I did have a few criticisms, however. I think the main thing would be is that it needs some "smoothing". I work in woodworking, and the core theory of that is the same - you use a big saw to cut out the pieces, then a real rough grinder, maybe, and then progressively smaller sandpapers. I like to think of this when I write, although I am not sure that everyone will feel the same as me. I write the story, and then I re-read it multiple times, after it is already "edited" just to "smooth" it. I think if you did such a couple more times, you would see them, but some examples where the use of proper names when pronouns would be better, repeated sentence structure, repeated phrase structure, ect. I think if you read through it and tried to make it flow better, that would help tremendously in the ease of reading.
I also felt like it needed some more of an ending. Maybe you were planning on another chapter after as well, but however you choose to do it, I think adding an ending that made some sort of point, or ended some sort of conflict would be a worthwhile addition,
Overall, I definitely enjoyed it. It seems to be some sort of "mutant" theme, or maybe supernatural, which I think are both pretty cool. Look forward to hearing more of it.

When i was typing this up from paper I did notice a few of the things you did mention. I love that you took the time to criticize my story, most of the people who heard it didn't give me any. I'm really glad that you like the overall story though and I do take your suggestions to heart.

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HumanTrash Comment
HumanTrash commented Comment · Jan 25, 2018

i plan to write the first chapter soon but I'm at a very important part of the story currently so you have to deal with chapter 2 sorry



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