Before I start, WOOHOO! This is my 201st post! Love you, YWS, and everybody on it!
The curving, desert path
is one that few willingly risk.
The thick, warm air
and the hot, blazing sun
could drive a man insane,
if he doesn't die first.
Mirages and serpents everywhere,
and if you have nobody by your side,
all hope of reaching the end
is lost in the sand.
And what's at the end?
Not a thing.
You travel with your courage
and you walk with your hope
every step of the way.
And if you aren't alone,
your last sights
are the people who believed with you,
the people who were true friends,
or possible true love.
So, the desert path starts here.
Will you take it?
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Howler --
A decent effort. Comparing the trials and difficulties of life to a "path through the desert" isn't wholly unoriginal, and so that was refreshing. This is a great verse:
And if you aren't alone,
your last sights
are the people who believed with you,
the people who were true friends,
or possible true love.
Structurally, you're all set. I see no problem there. There's a slight misspelling of the word drive in S1, but you can take care of that easily. My main problem with this poem is its lack of...poetry. I read this poem and I don't really feel anything new. The cause of this is probably your language, which is somewhat dull and uninspired. You use simplistic words, and avoid imagery. All budding poets eventually realize that to say exactly what you want to say is the worst way to write a poem. You have to dance around the subject, moving on the toes of similes and metaphors, dressed in the lace of allusion and abstract. Think outside the box. For a line like "The thick, warm air/ and the hot, blazing sun" you choose to use vague, tired words. Thick, warm, hot, blazing. None of them carry any emotional impact. Try, "the air clotting like let blood around me/ the sun bright and effervescent like a converted soul." I don't know -- it's early, and I'm a bit thick right now, but you've got the idea.
Good luck with this. You have a solid shell. Fill it with poetry.
-Kylan
"The curving, desert pathis one that few willingly risk.The thick, warm airand the hot, blazing suncould driva a man insane,if he doesn't die first."
Wow, you used neat-O adjectives here. It's a great entry and it captivates the reader to continue reading on.
Oh, yes I noticed grammar too. Don't forget to check that! :]
"And if you aren't alone,your last sightsare the people who believed with you,the people who were true friends,or possible true love.So, the desert path starts here.Will you take it?"
That is my favorite part!
The whole faith thing and friendship and love. Chills ran down my spine when I read that last line.
No, seriously imagine a deep, darkened voice(ha ha like the ones you hear on movie previews on T.v.)Err it's kind of creepy...in a good way. Anywayz, overall this was very good and whelp, nice job,
Keep writing!
~Skyy.