Published January 7, 2010
Two different choices
sit in different corners.
The two of them are
painted different colors.
And me, I sit in
the dead center,
wishing for some
peace between the two.
I don’t know why they
fight with each other.
It’s as if those two
just wanna be a bother.
And it won’t end
until I decide
on which one that I
find is more divine.
I’m not certain why they
gave me this power.
I just wanna have fun
and pick some pretty flowers.
And not worry about
these petty battles.
If I fall off my horse
I just get back in the saddle.
I tell ‘em every day
that I don’t know,
and if they know their idiocy
it’ll help them grow.
But they don’t listen
So I’ll just have to hope
they’ll hit a consensus
and leave me alone.
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Canary word: Present
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
Hey Howler! Welcome to YWS!
Oh, and I love start - it's so simple yet so effective. That said, however, parts of it felt a little redundant, and I really feel as though being a bit blunter, a bit less wordy would relay the message more clearly.
This is a lovely start - the stanzas flower well and there were no choppy, awkward moments that completely distracted the reader. So well done.
This whole stanza is fairly repetitive. We've kind of gathered that there's a choice at hand, that these two choices are of course very different and they lead to different things - but this space would be better used as a way to explain what the consequences may be, rather than just telling us and hoping we'll agree.
Another way to do this would be to incorporate a little more conflict towards the start. Rather like prose, it's key for the reader to determine the situation. Perhaps some exciting imagery to show these two choice battling it out, with you unable to take a side or something. Then kind of suggest (but not explicitly state, because the mysterious atmosphere you've got at the moment works so well) how these choices are different, and why one would be better/worse than the other.
Structured, rhyming poetry isn't really my thing, because sometimes it can sound forced. The little you've got in here doesn't and it might be nice to have a bit more in there. It's great for pacing and flow and keeping it all exciting on the tongue. So perhaps a little internal rhyme? I really like it since it gets ideas to connect and makes it sound a lot more interesting. But that's your choice.
So! That's all I'll say for now. If you post up an edit or a new poem, or just want some questions answered, send me a message!
Best
Blinky
I would guess that, if it were a song it would have a little more repetition and something that looked like a chorus. But I don't know, I am also terrible at reading and reviewing songs
I like this line, however you may want to un-italicize the I. It has a good enough emphasis in your poem, without you drawing attention to it.
Besides that, great work and a gold star. Keep writing.
~Empress
Should've mentioned this before. Yes, it does have a mostly constant rhyme and rhythm, but this isn't meant to be a song. I have tried lyric writing before, but I have no musical talent, so usually I send what pieces I do think have it to my friends. Usually, though, they don't do so well, not reading it the same way I do.
It's not meant to be a song, and just because it has rhyme and rhythm doesn't mean it is. If it was supposed to, it'd be in the Lyrics forum.
i really liked your piece, the rhythm stayed constant and it was easy to relate to.
the only thing i was disappointed about was the conclusion, but with these feelings there really aren't any conclusions, so i don't know why i brought it up. maybe i secretly hoped you had figured it all out.
oh well.
is this a song you wrote?