Published May 12, 2010
Though your talons
lovingly hug me tight
it feels more like
a frozen bite;
one into my veins
feeling cold and numb
while my blood freezes
to become
no different than
your evil self,
full of darkness
and free of health.
No one sees what
I see in you,
just a monster
made from witch's brew,
who, starting with me,
is spreading corruption
in an eventual attempt
to bring our world to destruction.
And coincidentally,
those rumors are true,
but stranger is that
I don't think it's an issue,
because while you consume me
with your corruption,
there's something pleasant to me
about my destruction.
Maybe it's because,
even with this curse,
it doesn't make a thing
in life any worse.
I hug you back tight
with my new fangs growing
doing the only thing
I ever want; showing
how much I care
for everything you are and do
because all I want to do in life
is corrupt the world with you.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
its a great poem i enjoyed it the only thing i see is that the poem is too jampack it would be enjoyable if there was some kind of spacing between certian amounts of lines, hope you understand what i meant. any way keep writing
This is a very interesting poem because you're blending it with fantasy which I think is a great combination. I liked the beginning bit (first half of lines) the most, but then as I went on the rhyme scheme because stilled and the poem didn't flow as well.
You lost your rhyme scheme at corruption/ruin as well. You can either try to write better around the rhyme scheme - or toss it all together. Right now it feels like the rhyming is suffocating what you're really trying to say, making you say a lot of stuff that's only forced to fit the style. It doesn't work real well in the second half. It was also a surprise that the narrator comes to enjoy what happens to him/her, but not a good kind of a surprise, more like "Where did that come from!?" I just didn't think that would happen, and the reasons given in the poem don't quite make sense, again it seems more like you're trying to force the rhyme out.
So perhaps you should toss the rhyme altogether and start over with the right intentions? It's up to you.
Best of luck.