Published May 4, 2010
Finished writing this a few minutes ago, while listening to some hip-hop at 4AM.
You know, if I were you,
I’d run right outta town,
‘cause if you don’t go
well, man, you’re goin’ down.
I’m gonna triumph for sure
I’m gonna rise to the stars
I’m gonna jump all the hurdles
I’m gonna go far.
And it’s all thanks to
my little ace in the hole,
the tool I’m gonna use
and smile after and roll (out)
It’s not somethin’ you’d expect,
somethin’ you’ve never seen.
A little tool of success,
fit for a king or queen
It makes me a god-like
virtuoso
and I’m not gonna go easy.
I’ll fight with it for my life, so,
You better bite back
you better parry and repost
even if I’m bound to kill you,
dump your body by the coast,
Piss on your grave
to save my reputation,
to behave with hubris
‘till my eternal damnation.
And it’s all goin’ down
in the way that I want it
thanks to my ace in hole,
the little trick in my pocket
And if you try to run away,
well it ain’t gonna help,
your body’ll still be deep
with the fishes and the kelp.
So I hope you’re ready,
‘cause it’s about to go down.
I hope you’re ready to fall
To this ace I’ve found.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
As a poem, this didn't grab my attention much by way of interesting imagery or any kind of comprehensive plot. It seemed a lot more like song lyrics to me - understandable, I guess, given what you were listening to. However, I'd recommed sticking it in the 'Lyrics' section as well, to see what the people lurking around there think!
As a poem, possibly the only thing that struck me as inventive was the use of 'voice' - the narrator of the poem has a very clear voice and hence character. However, the disclaimer at the beginning that said it was written after listening to hip-hop , so somehow the 'voice' lost its effect. Even so, it's good to see you veering well away from 'thees' and 'thous' in poetry!
Hey Howler!
One little teeny tiny thing I had an issue with.
You kind of rhyme so, with so, and that bugs me a littleI recently did something almost exactly like this, listening to music then having the urge to write your own type of lyrics/poem thing. So wooo for us cool people!
But besides that I thought it was pretty cool, keep writing!
~Hope
Hi Howler! I'm here to review.
I don't know why, but it reminds me of this song by the Fray, called "We Build Then We Break." It's similar to this.
So, I think I like this! The rhyme scheme is great, not forced or anything. The idea behind it is angry, I think, and is more like song lyrics than poetry in that sense.
My only suggestion would be to fix this line:
It's a little redundant. I would replace the first "my" with "the" instead.
But other than that, I think this was good! Keep it up.
-Knightley
Wow, this is really cool!
It sounds a bit like some sort of rap, especially the word 'piss'.
Also, I like the fact that you brought Greek tragedy into it, 'hubris' ;p. Is your character perhaps a tragic hero, suffering from excessive pride? And that followed by 'eternal damnation' made me interested as to why he might be damned. Could you maybe elaborate on that a bit in your poem? Only if you feel like it though.
I like it, it's sweet.