Heaven is an orchard,
Though the trees that reside there
Bear no fruit.
Man swirls by clothed only in mist,
Fog tingling at heels,
Arms free to catch what is left of the wind.
There is no sky,
There needn't be one,
The cool emptiness above felt like
Silver-tipped salve to the skin.
The ground, which saddles upon airless clouds,
Grey and bruised,
Carries what could be described as reminants--
Brief encounters with human mind.
Man has no face,
Although there's the faint imprint of one,
A soft pressure once felt like that of a hand
On the spine.
The air is stilled, yet calming.
There is no sun, no God presiding.
There's only us--
What can be called the human race.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
I love the poem's tone - it feels detached from but at the same time intricately connected to its subject, as though the connection allows for more objectivity rather than less as is usually the case.
The poem as a whole is cohesive, but I feel like you strayed from the beginning idea of heaven as an orchard; however, if it is intended simply as a segue to the rest of the poem it works beautifully.
Not sure whether this is intended to be an allegory or 'just' a commentary, so perhaps you should clarify the intent within the poem. Hidden/subliminal messages are perfectly fine, but here I feel unsure of whether I'm meant to look for them.
Overall, a very good poem that just needs a slight boost in clarity.
Hello,
I don't know what to make of this poem if I am being honest. I love the description you use and I think that was superb, yet all except the last stanza you could only really take at face value. I didn't feel particularly drawn in by lost of emotion, but the description was excellent so . . .
Your last stanza however was fantastic, I loved it. Just the collective term the human race was used well so well done.
I don't really know what else to say, and I don't really know what to offer to make it better . . . I would try adding a bit more emotion,but that may just be my opinion.
Well done.
~Retro Disco666