Published November 15, 2009
Dark oblivian stares
cruely back at me.
White powder snow
covers the ground
in a deadly blanket.
No one can see
the realitly in
front of them.
Maybe no one
wants to.
I wrap th blanket
tighter around me.
But I know that
there is only a
matter of time.
Winters embrace grips
us tightly.
There is no way
to escape the cirlce of
winters deadly blanket.
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Very nice. I like how the poem all comes together.
Hello! How are you? I'll be reviewing ^.^
So, just a little nit-pick:
I feel like there's a word missing. For example, 'stare' or 'glare'. Just a note.
Now, I liked this. I thought it was a nice read. The thing that seemed a bit off tune was this:
I now this is a metaphor, but it still just sounds weird. How do you wrap yourself in snow? I honestly can't think of an option.
So, basically this was nice. Period xD I think you could do great with this! Run it through a spell checker, you have several typos all around. And that's about it!
Thanks for posting!
- Kat
Again with the blanket. I'm sorry, but I just don't see blankets as deadly or evil. I think this poem would be a lot better if you added evil-er imagery with your verbs and such, and eliminated most of the blankets from this piece.
Besides that, awesome poem and keep writing,
Empress
I'm a little confused about this poem. Is the noun "snow" used to describe something more abstract like despair, greed, or hate, or are you literally writing a poem about snow? That sounds so mean, but I am just curious. Either way, I think you wrote this out very well; the breaks in lines flowed smoothly for me, and I like the imagery you use. Oh! I'm not quite sure, but shouldn't "winters" be "winter's?" After all it is describing something that belongs to winter in a sense, and not using the word as a plural, like "winters long past," or something like that.
Great job, anyway!
Hey there. I fail to see how "dark oblivion" relates to winter and snow. You go straight from the darkness to snow. Snow is white (and not dark). Maybe I'm missing something? If you expand on exactly why winter is so dark other than it is a 'blanket of deadly snow' it would really improve this.
-Lauren
A poem that turns snow into something evil and deadly, I bow down before you. It is so original, I must give you praise! So I am guessing that the speaker is either trapped in an avalanche or suffering from frostbite. Although it is not entirely clear.
If it is an avalanche, I think there is a lot more you can express here. Explore how it would feel to experience an avalanche. Focus on all five senses, smell, touch, sound, sight, and taste. Also focus on how it would feel, emotionally, to be trapped in a snowy grave. This would be a slow death, so there would be plenty of time for reflection. I can only imagine that a person would go through a few stages. Panic, shock, acceptance, numbness, and then probably they would just fall asleep and never wake up.
If you went into detail on this, I think it would make your poem that much more impactful.
Just some corrections:
Dark oblivion stares
cruelly back at me.
...
the reality in
...
I wrap the blanket
...
to escape the circle
It's a good poem, and I think you know what you're trying to say, but I advise you to think of the images that you see in your head when you write this and try to make them more clear before you start writing so that you're choosing the words exactly around the imagery that you're trying to portray.
Hi, I am a little confused by "Dark oblivian stares
cruely back at me." and how it relates to winter in this poem. You have some grammatical and spelling errors that really take away from the flow.
I like the idea of making winter snow dark and ominous. I recommend reading some of E.A Poe's work. You would really like his style and diction. I think you have a great concept here, keep working at it. Don't forget to read, we can't write skillfully if we don't read.