Addiction

"So, before we pray, I would like to say that this year's First United Methodist Youth Retreat has been wonderful. It's so amazing that all of you could come. We're going to have a moment of silence. If you feel that God is moving you to say something, please don't be afraid to say it. You don't need to bow your heads. Just let the spirit move you," My youth pastor, Diana, finished her speech and looked around at all of us. I did the same, knowing that after I spoke it was more than likely that none of them would ever speak to me again. I raised my voice, "I have something to say."

You may want to add a sentence at the end here. Something along the lines of, "But this truth was crushing me and I had to tell them." I feel that no one would willingly shun themself from their friends in this manner. She shows reluctance to tell people about herself, but does it anyways without giving us a reason.

Everyone in our circle turned to me. I took good, long looks at their faces. Would they even be my friends after what I was about to say? I wondered. Seeing them, Danny, Chrissy, Michael, Jean-Paul, Sahara, Misty, Anna Maria, John-Luc, Justice, Liberty, and all the others looking at me silently tore at my heart. This could be goodbye.

"I know why I'm doing this, telling you," I said. "And I know that none of you will ever look at me the same way again...." Liberty cut me off, "Come on Jubilee, it can't be that bad!" I glared at her. "Please let me finish," I asked. She motioned for me to continue, and I nodded my thanks, "don't interrupt me, please, or I might not be able to say anything. Do y'all remember when I was gone all last summer, and I told you I was at my grandparents," I waited until they nodded before going on, "I lied."

Do you want to split this into a dialouge? Or keep it in a pararaph? Generally two people speaking (even if just for one line) are made into a seperate paragraph. Also, the MC knows why she's telling her friends, but we still don't. Jubilee also seems a little code at that last sentence. Is there anyway to soften it?

"I wasn't at my grandparents. I was in a rehab center," I stopped again and closed my eyes, ?fruit? not to see their faces or hear their shocked gasps. I pressed on, "the last community football game we had was at the stadium. That night I got injured. I had sprained my ankle and I had decided to go home. I declined all offers of help, instead being determined that I would make it to my car on my own. God, I wish I had let someone help me that night."

"I was halfway to the parking lot when I realized that I was being followed. I tried to pick up my pace, but with my ankle, it was difficult for me. I don't know who it was. I just wanted to get out of there, so I broke into a sprint, ignoring the pain. If I had started to run a few seconds earlier, I would have made it. As it was, I was to late. He grabbed me, dragged me to to his car and, well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination."

Damn you My imagination is running rampant now. Not a pretty sight. It's nice to see MC stop here because it's difficult to tell people about a traumatic experience in one breath. It's also common to see people omit certain details such as this.

I broke off here, taking a deep breath and not paying attention to the stares that were shot at me, tears filled eyes of my friends and mentors. It was difficult to continue.

"I hated myself. Oh, I knew it wasn't my fault. But I couldn't help but think of the stuff I could have done to stop that from happening. And it kept happening. Over and over again in my mind whether I was asleep or awake. My nights were torture, my days even more so. I was literally shutting myself down from the world, trying to deal with the pain on my own. I didn't eat, didn't talk. I was a ghost for two weeks after it happened."

"Then one day when I was the only one home, I went downstairs. I don't know what I was thinking, but I grabbed one of my Dad's beers out of the fridge, and the bottle of tylenol out of the medicine cabinet. I downed five or six pills and the beer in less than five minutes. The only way to put this is, I got high. I'm not going to lie to any of you, and say that it felt horrible, because the truth is that it felt amazing. Like I could take on the world and no one could stop me. I didn't feel pain, and that was my main relief. I couldn't feel pain."

A lot of people don't know why they started. Some people do it for fun, others for the relief. I also like MC's honesty here where she says that it did feel good.

I sighed and willed myself not to burst into tears. Everyone was looking at me with horror on their faces. Everyone except the adults. I had told them everything this morning.

Just a quick question, I thought MC was staring down so that she wouldn't have to see their stares, so how does she know what their facial expressions are like?

"I didn't mind the hangover I had the next morning, how I had felt that night made it worth it. But then the pain was back. So I did it again, and again, and again. It took two weeks for me to not just want the pills, but to need them, to crave them. I had become an addict. My parents never realized what was happening, because I began to buy the pills with my own money and I didn't swipe any more beers. Oh, they knew something was wrong and we fought a lot as they tried to get me to tell them what it was, but I didn't care. I didn't give a damn. I didn't eat, hardly slept, all I cared about was getting to my next dose. And being high, staying high. That was my whole world."

Why didn't she swipe any more beers? If she began to buy them herself too, you need to tell us that. Or, did she switch to something even more potent?

Some of them were crying, others were looking at me like they didn't even know me anymore. They probably didn't. Before the drugs, I was a whole different person. I could take the looks from just about anyone, but seeing the look in Justice's eyes right then just about killed me. I still pressed on, determined to finish what I had started.

"One day my parents left for some dinner, and I ran to the bathroom for my pills. Then I looked in the mirror. And what I saw wasn't me. It was my dad. In that instant, I realized that I had become the very person I had sworn I would never be. And I hated myself even more, for becoming, Just. Like. Him. I hate him for what he did to me and Mom, when he left, when he hit us, even though I was two and don't remember. He got addicted and left, and now I was just like him. I couldn't take it any more, so I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and slit both of my wrists."

If she hated her dad so much and the dad left them, whose beer was she taking then? Her step-fathers? Also, I feel the transition from addict to suicide is too fast. Add a few sentences where Jubilee says she slunk into depression for a few minutes/hours before making the decision to kill herself.

I took off the thick wrist bands I had grown accustomed to wearing and held up my hand. The scars were scraggly, knotted, thick, and still somewhat raw and new looking.

"My parents found me in a pool of my own blood. I spent a week in an ICU unit and another two in a hospital. Then I went to a rehab center for two months until my doctors were confident I could live without supervision. I'm not an addict anymore, but thanks to the fact that I was, I will always want it again. I will always want another pill and I will always try to stop myself from giving in every single day. I will always be fighting myself, trying not to give in to the temptation."

Most powerful paragraph of the story. I will always fight.

They stared at my scars in a type of sick fascination. Justice looked at them once before glancing away. I didn't let him see the pain in my eyes.

"I'm telling you this because I don't want it for you. If something happens to any of you that tears you apart, don't hide it like I did. Don't let it destroy you. That was my undoing, thinking I could handle it on my own. I couldn't. I can't. I have people helping me now, people I trust. This is the first time I'm telling someone this without being prompted and it feels good. You'll probably never want to talk to me again and I understand. I'm not the girl you thought you knew. But learn from my mistakes, don't go down that path. It only takes one time to be you undoing."

Because I don't want it to happen to you? Or is that sentence actually what you meant. If so, I don't full understand it.

I stepped away from them and hung my head, letting a few tears run down my cheeks. I had been unable to hold them back after all. None of them said anything, but I could feel their stares. My parents had kicked me out, and knew that I had lost them too. I steeled myself to leave, when all of a sudden someone wrapped their arms around me and pulled me to their chest. Justice crushed me into his embrace and wept openly. Soon every on had ahold of me in one large group hug, crying and telling me they were here for me.

Kicked out? That's a bit harsh. That opens up the question of, "Where is she living" and "What is she doing about her life now?" While it does add a lot of oomph to the paragraph, you need to consider all the other factors it opens as well. (Though again, if this is really what happened, I won't really question it too much. Still, think about trying to answer one of the questions.) I threw in a sentence at the beginning to see if it sounds better.

They all pulled back except Justice, but they all stayed within an arms reach. Diana laid her hand on my head and said, "Father show her your way." Closing their eyes, they all said a prayer for me. Justice framed my face in his hands, and kissed me lightly, tenderly. He pulled back and rested his forehead on mine. The waterworks I had been holding back, and my tears erupted, spilling over faster than the Niagara Falls. He held me again and I realized that I had found a new addiction. One that wasn't harmful, but healthy. I had become addicted to love.

I thought she had already begun to cry about two paragraphs ago? When the tears began leaking down her face. One last note is that you mention Justice this and Justice that quite often. If you mention a character over and over, it's important to explain to us in some way what the character means to Jubilee. I'm going to assume Jubilee had a crush on him and that's why she avoided him at all costs. All in all, it was a great story and the only main issue I had was that you threw in too many commas. I know that reading it outloud, there should be a pause there, but grammatically speaking, the comma is unnecessary. English is wierd like that.

A/N:

I know, it's a crappy ending, but it's a true story.
~Harry Potter