Chapter One
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Ella glanced out the car window, barely paying
attention to the meaningless chatter going on in the
front seat. The trees were getting denser and denser
as the car rambled down the dirt road. There was
something strange about them, something that made Ella
shiver at the thought of being in the middle of them.
A dim orange glow had settled over the woods only an
hour before, and the moon was slowly rising into the
autumn sky. Ella’s attention was snapped back to her
parents as her father barely made it around a sudden
bend in the road, causing her mother to gasp and throw
her hand to her heart.
”…and don’t forget that this is going to be a
permanent situation until we hear that there is a
serious change in you young lady...” Her father said
as he got the car going evenly again. “Don, Don Honey,
can’t you at least try and stay on the road?” This was
the third time my mother had said this in the four
hours we had been in this god forsaken car, on the
same narrow and constantly turning road.
“I’m trying dear,” Ella’s father said, clenching his
jaw, obviously noting Ella’s mother’s repetitiveness
“In case you haven’t noticed this is a road meant for
people with country cars, not new Infiniti’s.” Ella
rolled her eyes at the ceiling, and began to drone
them out again. The trees were becoming thicker and it
seemed like… they were almost turning black as they
got closer and closer to the place that Ella could
possibly be spending the next three years of her life.
Ella's mother had gone back to fixing her makeup in
the mirror, and her father had begun to vigorously
tapping a little computer screen on the dashboard of
the car.
She couldn't believe that these people could possibly
be related to her. There wasn't that much evidence to
support it, her father was tall and almost six feet
tall, but not quite, with a bald head and a bit of
brown hair on the back and both sides of his scalp.
Then there was her mother. She was almost the exact
opposite of Ella. She had long and curly blond hair,
that came all the way down to her lower back, she had
piercing blue eyes, and the top of her head barely
made it up past her husband's shoulder. Ella on the
other hand was taller than her father by a couple of
inches, had a mess of black hair that made it half way
to her shoulders, and eyes that were so dark green
that many people mistook them for black.
Ella was suddenly snapped out of her thoughts once
again, by an object that looked like a small round
ball of snow, as it flashed past Ella’s window. She
jerked back quickly with a sharp intake of breath. She
swung her head around to see where it had gone, but
all she saw were the shady trees and the dust the car
was creating. No little ball of snow. Just as Ella was
about to ask if her parents had seen it too, her
mother muttered “Thank god,” with relief and the car
began to slow to a stop..
A very large black gate was in front of them. Ivy
curled up its bars like snakes, and the rust was
visible even from the backseat of Ella’s parent’s car.
Massive brick walls that went off to each side and
disappeared into thick black trees, which were covered
with moss and other greenery. Visible just behind the
tall gates was a large building that seemed to be a
small castle, with towers that seemed to be so old
that they could fall over at any second. A faded
copper plate with gold lettering read :
Mirrette’s Manor For Children and Young Adults
“Here we are,” Ella’s father said leaning his head out
the window as if to get a better look. “Now how the
hell do we get in?”
Just then a woman’s voice rang out high and precise,
echoing through the trees, coming from the top of the
left gate, where a white bull horn like speaker was
planted :
“Welcome Ella, we have been awaiting your arrival!
Please step out of your car and wait for James at the
gate, Don and Natalie, thank you for escorting your.
We will see you in a couple of months for visiting
week. That will be all.”
Ella sat there staring at the speaker for a couple of
seconds. Then without a word she unbuckled her
seat belt, allowing it to steadily wind its way back
into it’s slot before opening her door. Her father
also got out, cautiously, as if the voice might tell
him he must remain seated. He walked around Ella
quietly and went to the back of the car, she followed
him as he unlocked the trunk and lifted Ella’s single
suitcase out and gave it to her, avoiding her eyes.
She took it and stood silently, waiting for her father
to say something. But he didn’t. He just stood there,
only blinking, still as the trees that stood around
them, as if someone had taken his ability to speak,
and move..
“Umm… dad?” Ella asked hesitantly.
“Oh, right. well good bye then Ella.” He muttered and
awkwardly tried to hug her, avoiding the suitcase that
was between them.
“Bye dad.” Ella mumbled back. She didn’t expect her
mother to make any gesture of goodbye, considering she
was probably trying to fix her hair perfectly again
after the jerky ride. She pulled out of his arms,
happy that the uncomfortable moment was over and
planted her feet firmly on the ground, Her pale green
dress flapped around her ankles as a breeze ran
through the trees and over the dirt covered ground.
Her father turned without another word and stepped
back to the car and jumped in. Ella stepped back a
couple of feet and watched as her parents pulled
backwards, and disappeared into the evening, leaving
Ella to wait for the person called James to come and
open the gates.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi there
so far I really like this! I thought it was very well written and I love your use of description- instantly I hate Ella's parents and feel so sorry for her! I've got a few comments on possible improvement:
I like this sentence except for the middle of them at the end- to me it doesn't sound quite right. I think its the use of them, Perhaps 'at the thought of being surrounded by their towering trunks' or 'at the thought of being in the middle of such silent giants' or any other description of the trees.
I'm not sure why you use ... here. It doesn't really fit in with the rest of the sentencwe as it carries on going. I would either get rid of it or put a full stop after black and get rid of as.
You either need to delete to or change tapping to tap.
I'd get rid of the 'but not quite' part as I don't think you need it. I'd also get rid of 'was tall and' and 'both'. That way it would sound like this- There wasn't that much evidence to support it, her father was almost six feet tall, with a bald head and a bit of brown hair on the back and sides of his scalp.
I don't think you need the comma here.
You either need to get rid of that after walls or the and before dissapeared.
I'd break this up into two sentences- putting a full stop after trees and starting the next sentence with The sound came or It came.
The comma after gate needs to be a full stop and I think your missing daughter after your. At visiting week would make more sense than for visiting week.
I think you need to break this up into two sentences again as it goes on a bit long for just one. You also need to get rid of a full stop.
This comma needs to be a full stop.
I'd make this two sentences.
I'm not too good at correcting punctuation so you might want to get somebody elses advice too on that! I really enjoyed reading your story and I hope you write more
ergh! sorry for the weird way it is in that paragraphs...... stupid computer sucks!!!!!!!!!!!