Ella Tosciati: Chapter 1

Chapter One

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Ella glanced out the car window, barely paying

attention to the meaningless chatter going on in the

front seat. The trees were getting denser and denser

as the car rambled down the dirt road. There was

something strange about them, something that made Ella

shiver at the thought of being in the middle of them.

A dim orange glow had settled over the woods only an

hour before, and the moon was slowly rising into the

autumn sky. Ella’s attention was snapped back to her

parents as her father barely made it around a sudden

bend in the road, causing her mother to gasp and throw

her hand to her heart.

”…and don’t forget that this is going to be a

permanent situation until we hear that there is a

serious change in you young lady...” Her father said

as he got the car going evenly again. “Don, Don Honey,

can’t you at least try and stay on the road?” This was

the third time my mother had said this in the four

hours we had been in this god forsaken car, on the

same narrow and constantly turning road.

“I’m trying dear,” Ella’s father said, clenching his

jaw, obviously noting Ella’s mother’s repetitiveness

“In case you haven’t noticed this is a road meant for

people with country cars, not new Infiniti’s.” Ella

rolled her eyes at the ceiling, and began to drone

them out again. The trees were becoming thicker and it

seemed like… they were almost turning black as they

got closer and closer to the place that Ella could

possibly be spending the next three years of her life.

Ella's mother had gone back to fixing her makeup in

the mirror, and her father had begun to vigorously

tapping a little computer screen on the dashboard of

the car.

She couldn't believe that these people could possibly

be related to her. There wasn't that much evidence to

support it, her father was tall and almost six feet

tall, but not quite, with a bald head and a bit of

brown hair on the back and both sides of his scalp.

Then there was her mother. She was almost the exact

opposite of Ella. She had long and curly blond hair,

that came all the way down to her lower back, she had

piercing blue eyes, and the top of her head barely

made it up past her husband's shoulder. Ella on the

other hand was taller than her father by a couple of

inches, had a mess of black hair that made it half way

to her shoulders, and eyes that were so dark green

that many people mistook them for black.

Ella was suddenly snapped out of her thoughts once

again, by an object that looked like a small round

ball of snow, as it flashed past Ella’s window. She

jerked back quickly with a sharp intake of breath. She

swung her head around to see where it had gone, but

all she saw were the shady trees and the dust the car

was creating. No little ball of snow. Just as Ella was

about to ask if her parents had seen it too, her

mother muttered “Thank god,” with relief and the car

began to slow to a stop..

A very large black gate was in front of them. Ivy

curled up its bars like snakes, and the rust was

visible even from the backseat of Ella’s parent’s car.

Massive brick walls that went off to each side and

disappeared into thick black trees, which were covered

with moss and other greenery. Visible just behind the

tall gates was a large building that seemed to be a

small castle, with towers that seemed to be so old

that they could fall over at any second. A faded

copper plate with gold lettering read :

Mirrette’s Manor For Children and Young Adults

“Here we are,” Ella’s father said leaning his head out

the window as if to get a better look. “Now how the

hell do we get in?”

Just then a woman’s voice rang out high and precise,

echoing through the trees, coming from the top of the

left gate, where a white bull horn like speaker was

planted :

“Welcome Ella, we have been awaiting your arrival!

Please step out of your car and wait for James at the

gate, Don and Natalie, thank you for escorting your.

We will see you in a couple of months for visiting

week. That will be all.”

Ella sat there staring at the speaker for a couple of

seconds. Then without a word she unbuckled her

seat belt, allowing it to steadily wind its way back

into it’s slot before opening her door. Her father

also got out, cautiously, as if the voice might tell

him he must remain seated. He walked around Ella

quietly and went to the back of the car, she followed

him as he unlocked the trunk and lifted Ella’s single

suitcase out and gave it to her, avoiding her eyes.

She took it and stood silently, waiting for her father

to say something. But he didn’t. He just stood there,

only blinking, still as the trees that stood around

them, as if someone had taken his ability to speak,

and move..

“Umm… dad?” Ella asked hesitantly.

“Oh, right. well good bye then Ella.” He muttered and

awkwardly tried to hug her, avoiding the suitcase that

was between them.

“Bye dad.” Ella mumbled back. She didn’t expect her

mother to make any gesture of goodbye, considering she

was probably trying to fix her hair perfectly again

after the jerky ride. She pulled out of his arms,

happy that the uncomfortable moment was over and

planted her feet firmly on the ground, Her pale green

dress flapped around her ankles as a breeze ran

through the trees and over the dirt covered ground.

Her father turned without another word and stepped

back to the car and jumped in. Ella stepped back a

couple of feet and watched as her parents pulled

backwards, and disappeared into the evening, leaving

Ella to wait for the person called James to come and

open the gates.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Pippiedooda
Review

Hi there :) so far I really like this! I thought it was very well written and I love your use of description- instantly I hate Ella's parents and feel so sorry for her! I've got a few comments on possible improvement:

There was something strange about them, something that made Ella shiver at the thought of being in the middle of them


I like this sentence except for the middle of them at the end- to me it doesn't sound quite right. I think its the use of them, Perhaps 'at the thought of being surrounded by their towering trunks' or 'at the thought of being in the middle of such silent giants' or any other description of the trees.

The trees were becoming thicker and it seemed like… they were almost turning black as they got closer and closer to the place that Ella could possibly be spending the next three years of her life.


I'm not sure why you use ... here. It doesn't really fit in with the rest of the sentencwe as it carries on going. I would either get rid of it or put a full stop after black and get rid of as.

her father had begun to vigorously tapping a little computer screen on the dashboard of the car.


You either need to delete to or change tapping to tap.

There wasn't that much evidence to support it, her father was tall and almost six feet tall, but not quite, with a bald head and a bit of brown hair on the back and both sides of his scalp.


I'd get rid of the 'but not quite' part as I don't think you need it. I'd also get rid of 'was tall and' and 'both'. That way it would sound like this- There wasn't that much evidence to support it, her father was almost six feet tall, with a bald head and a bit of brown hair on the back and sides of his scalp.

She had long and curly blond hair, that came all the way down to her lower back


I don't think you need the comma here.


Massive brick walls that went off to each side and disappeared into thick black trees, which were covered with moss and other greenery.


You either need to get rid of that after walls or the and before dissapeared.

Just then a woman’s voice rang out high and precise, echoing through the trees, coming from the top of the left gate, where a white bull horn like speaker was planted


I'd break this up into two sentences- putting a full stop after trees and starting the next sentence with The sound came or It came.

Please step out of your car and wait for James at the gate, Don and Natalie, thank you for escorting your. We will see you in a couple of months for visiting week.


The comma after gate needs to be a full stop and I think your missing daughter after your. At visiting week would make more sense than for visiting week.

He just stood there, only blinking, still as the trees that stood around them, as if someone had taken his ability to speak, and move..


I think you need to break this up into two sentences again as it goes on a bit long for just one. You also need to get rid of a full stop.


happy that the uncomfortable moment was over and planted her feet firmly on the ground, Her pale green dress


This comma needs to be a full stop.

Ella stepped back a couple of feet and watched as her parents pulled backwards, and disappeared into the evening, leaving Ella to wait for the person called James to come and open the gates.


I'd make this two sentences.

I'm not too good at correcting punctuation so you might want to get somebody elses advice too on that! I really enjoyed reading your story and I hope you write more :D

ergh! sorry for the weird way it is in that paragraphs...... stupid computer sucks!!!!!!!!!!!



The emperor is rich, but he can't buy another day.
— Chinese Proverb