please review this and tell me if you liked it, if it's too cheezy, anything to do with editing, ect. thanks! :]
~Prelude~
"Green. His eyes are Green!" My first thoughts of the day startled me awake. My mom, Patricia, was standing over my bed with a puzzled look on her face. "what?" she asked me.
"Umm...Nothing!" I immediately exclaimed. My cheeks turned a deep pink, rosy hue as i tried to cover for my accidentally mumbled words.
"I just had a strange dream, that's all."
These dreams were astonishing. They rode a fine line between reality and fiction, toying with my every emotion. I dreamed of him...the boy, nearly everynight...He was perfect. In both the physical and spiritual sense, he was my exact match. My soul yearned for him, an ache that could not be filled until i found him.
He had glorious, sunny brown locks that fell in his eyes. And, Oh his eyes.....i could get lost in them, no doubt.
They are the most glorious color green.....like ... a pile of Emeralds, luminescent in the hot rays of golden sunshine, like the dewiest blades of grass, stretching on and on for miles, and there was no end to them. He looks as if he's got a Library's worth of knowledge trapped in his eyes, and that led the way to his soul, which must be equally as wise and gentle.
I feel like he stares into the very core of me, everytime i see his eyes...they entrance me, and i simply can't look away.
Who IS He?? The question has been haunting me for weeks now. He's my perfect match in every way, and sadly...he may just be a figment of my imagination.
But those eyes are unforgettable, and when i stare into them and get completely lost....there's a concrete feeling, somewhere inside me, and somehow, i just know he's real.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well this is an interesting start...although on a much more simple note than you normally see in stories. It seems we've just got someone here dreaming of something like a crush or something along those lines and they mildly embarrass themselves by accidentally saying it out loud to their mother. Its definitely a neat start that immediately tells you sort of what to expect here and does make you quite curious as well.
OOooh well this is getting even more intriguing. The way this phrasing is happening it seems very much like this person they're dreaming of isn't someone that this person has even met yet which makes thing that much crazier...and now well everything is slowly coming together quite nicely here.
Well this certainly opens up quite a lot of possibilities and its hard to say if this is genuinely going to be one of those super sweet stories regarding soul mates or things along those lines or if this person is going to be some kind of horrifying enemy. Either way I am loving the ambiguity we end up with there and this is off to a pretty solid start I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay, this is a good start. But I feel like it was more a diary entry piece than anything else. Especially the (….) things. Those definitely slowed down the reader and if you are doing a diary piece, I would totally cut those out.
So you are okay there.
You have a very good start, and I would like to read more of this. I’ll keep my eyes open for more.
Also, I found that you didn’t capitalize your I’s or dialogue things. I didn’t point them out individuals because they are such a small thing that it doesn’t really matter
The overall piece was good. You have a solid idea, but you need to include more it. You did well with the feelings of your MC, but we need more than just feelings. There has to be something significant about her that draws the reader in.
The more you work at this, the more it will grow to become better and better!
Keep Writing!
Hopeful_Youth-
Wow. I really like this prelude. It was short but it gave total description of this perfect boy.
Um, what's the girls name? We know Patricia is her mom's name but what's the girl?
That one paragraph in the middle was amazing! The way you described this guy makes me actually want to see him for real.
So, he's been haunting her dreams for weeks? Maybe that's a little too long.
Well, if he's real to her, then where's chapter one?
So, yes. You should definitely write chapter one. But drop down a little of the guy's perfections. Make him have faults.
-Merry
~PM me when you post chapter 1. If you do.~
Hello,
Mechanics
Make sure you capitalize your "i"'s and only break to a new paragraph if a new person is speaking, or a new subject occurs. Only use Ellipses once in a very long while or they lose effect (those are tricky). Emeralds- does not need to be capitalized. This mixes past and present tense, which can become very confusing. I would stay in past tense because it's easier to write and read.
Plot
Ok, I'm all for the idea of a perfect boy, however, I do think this needs to come down a bit from the groupie level to reality. I think if the boy is just a hint less perfect physically he will become more interesting and so will the main character. AFter all, she says they are a perfect match, and if he is perfect that means she thinks she is as well. I think it might be better if you show a little more of the dream and have him doing things that are wise and gentle rather than her just stating it. Also if this is set in current times, not a lot of girls would be thinking "wise" for someone their age.
Overall
I see potential in the plot and you should definitely keep writing. Most of the time my stories change completely after a few drafts. Good luck!
p.s- Chirantha- it's too small because it's the prelude to the story
and i realize that her thoughts are in quotations....but it was like she was sleep talking, you know? she didn't mean to say it but she said it right when she was waking up, and her mom just happened to be there to hear her...lol.
Yeah that is true.....i can make it cheesy, or amazing, depending on , well, everything.
They do help. I don't notice all of these while im actualling typing this in, so this helps alot.
Every author has his or her own voice, so i just have to use mine and use all the techniques i can think of.... and nothing too cheesy, which i'll probably recognize while writing it. the whole "emerald eyes" thing is a bit cliche, but by adding details around that, i changed it up....so i guess that's what i'll have to do. Find everything cheesy/cliche, add my own stuff around it, and Voila! lol
Thanks for all the editing tips!
Chirantha:
lol it's not like she's lusting over him....ok, well, maybe, yes. haha.
but, she can't help it. he's in her dreams. if you had reoccuring dreams about your perfect girl, wouldn't you pick over every detail of her.
and she's in her late teens. 17/18. somewhere around there. lol.
and thanks for the editing tips :]
Hey there! Glad to see you started this.
I would say overall it does have the potential to be cheesy, but it also has the potential to be amazing, depending on YOU! Where you go from here determines everything. A good writer can take a cliche plot and make it unique - I see it happen in most romance novels I read. Not that your plot is cliche, I'm just saying...anyway, yeah.
So overall I did like it, but you had some problems. Pointed out below, problems will be in bold.
Green = green. Not capitalized.
"what?" = "What?" Capitalized.
Previous critiquer was right - you can't think something if it's in quotation marks, and you do need a new paragraph for when her mom starts talking.
Nothing = nothing. You don't need to capitalize the word after an ellipses (dot dot dot).
You don't need a paragraph between these two. If it's the same person continuing to talk, it can be the same paragraph. It's if you change speakers that you need a new paragraph.
everynight = every night. Then I would put a period, and make "He was perfect" it's own sentence. It's sort of an ultimatum, you know? So, rewritten, it would be:
Last but not least: i = I just a typo, always capitalize "i".
Oh = oh. not capitalized.
....i = ...I You did four dots and didn't capitalize I.
I think I saw a couple of other things, but I haven't got time to go into it right now - dad needs the computer. In short, good job but you need to make sure you read through it for typos yourself befor eyou post. Please feel free to pm me with the next installment. I'm excited to see where this goes!
Yours ever,
Kool
ooooh, tempted little girl is she? Okay, it was too small to make out what it is like. I can say that your character is a girl who is craving for a boy who she thinks is a figment of her imagination.
Okay, mistakes,
How can those words be her thoughts? If they were her thoughts, how did her mother hear them? Change it to, "Green. His eyes are green!" These words came out of my mouth, startling me awake.\
This sentence should be in it's own paragraph.
"I immediately lied"
A great description.
I couldn't find more mistakes.
How old is this girl? Will she find her true love? XD
Well, I hope you continue it.
Godd luck.