Published December 6, 2017
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
She didn’t know who he was, or how he found her, but he did. She knew he had been following her for a while, but she brushed it off; she didn’t earn her black belt for nothing. However, by the time she got on the subway, she was worried. He just stared at her, his cold, blue eyes unmoving.
She assessed him. He had a strong build, but he was older, probably around his sixties. So why did they send him? He was wearing the standard outfit of a Searcher, with a black T-shirt, cargo pants, and combat boots, where she was sure a knife was hidden. To most people, this outfit might be a little weird, seeing as it was summer, but not anything to signal fear. But she knew better. They may dress normally, but she always knew. Maybe it was her sixth sense.
The man moved towards her, gently pushing people out of the way. She looked around her surroundings. There was nothing she could use in here without giving herself away. Slowly, trying not to show her panic, she made her way to the subway doors, ready to jump off the minute the doors opened.
The seconds felt like hours. The man was coming closer and closer until- the subway train came to a complete stop and the doors opened. She ran out, not pausing to look behind her; she needed to get above ground and hide.
Weaving in and out of the crowds of people, she made it up the stairs and outside. She didn’t stop running, not yet. Quickly, she glanced behind her and felt some relief; the man hadn’t made it up the stairs yet. Sprinting, she burst into a Starbucks and sat down at a table far away from windows. People stared as she panted heavily. Ignoring them, she pulled out her phone and glanced at her messages.
Tom: Where r u?
Tom: Bailey!
Tom: Gurl, u r so dead if u don’t pick up your damn phone
Tom: Did something happen?
Tom: get to base ASAP
She snorted as she read his texts. Tom always called her Bailey, even though he knew that she didn’t have a name. He said the name suited her.
Tom was the director of a certain organization that Bailey lived at. He helped ‘gifted’ people like her. Tom figured out their gifts, provided them protection, and a place to stay. But most of all, he taught them how to fight, and use their gifts to defend themselves, because, he said, you’re gonna need it.
And right now, he was freaking out and Bailey need to get home before he completely lost it. She slowly got up, scanning the area through the windows. The man was gone. For now. Bailey pulled her baseball cap lower and stepped outside.
By the time she had gotten to the old mansion where the base was hidden, Bailey was sweating like crazy. She ran up to the gate and pushed a button on the side. A voice suddenly yelled so loud, Bailey jumped.
“BAILEY! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? GET YOUR ASS IN HERE! NOW!” Tom yelled.
Bailey bit her lip as the gate opened, now not in such a rush to enter. Sighing, she walked up the long driveway, to the entrance of the house.
The mansion was huge. And terribly old. On the outside, it looked like it could collapse at any second. But not everything is as it seems. The minute Bailey opened the door, everything changed.
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139,625 Literary Works • 672,635 Reviews
Hello Hope,
I offer you a few revision suggestions:
"She didn’t know who he was, or how he found her, but he did." - ...but he had.
"He just stared at her, his cold, blue eyes unmoving." - just cold blue eyes, no comma. Also, very creepy.
"She assessed him. He had a strong build, but he was older, probably around his sixties." - cut "she assessed him" because it's redundant. Also, 'old' instead of 'older' and period after that.
"He was wearing the standard outfit of a Searcher, with a black T-shirt, cargo pants, and combat boots, where she was sure a knife was hidden."
Try: "He wore the standard outfit of a Searcher: a black T-shirt, cargo pants, and combat boots, where she was sure he was hiding a knife."
"To most people, this outfit might be a little weird, seeing as it was summer, but not anything to signal fear. But she knew better. They may dress normally, but she always knew. Maybe it was her sixth sense." - This strikes me as unnecessary and borderline info dumpy.
"The man moved towards her, gently pushing people out of the way."
-Something more descriptive here. The man weaved between people like a worm, gently pushing them out of the way. Something visual and evocative like that.
she made her way to the subway doors,
-again, something more descriptive here. She shoved her way to the subway doors, tripping over her feet to get to them.
"The seconds felt like hours. The man was coming closer and closer until- the subway train came to a complete stop and the doors opened. She ran out, not pausing to look behind her; she needed to get above ground and hide."
-This is a chase, right? It's missing the frantic feeling of being chased. It's missing more sensory details. "The main inched closer and closer, her head pounding with each step he took. Finally, the train screeched to a stop and the doors flew open. She threw herself out of them, not pausing to look back..."
"People stared as she panted heavily." - People stared as she caught her breath.
"Ignoring them, she pulled out her phone and glanced at her messages." - Instead: Her phone buzzed in her pocket, taking her attention.
"She snorted as she read his texts." - cut "as she read his texts"
"Tom was the director of a certain organization that Bailey lived at." - cut "certain" possibly replace with "secret"
This is a good start. It has a lot of potential. I'd appreciate more description in certain places, especially towards the end. It would be nice to have some visuals of the mansion.
Visually, I think it could be really appealing if you took some time to explore physical and sensory details.
Pacing is pretty good, nice and quick, perfect for a young audience. I don't have any impression of the tone of voice. I don't know much about the MC yet to determine that. The dialogue is modern and engaging, has me in mind of the X-Men.
Thank you for sharing,
-Dream
Love the suspense. I want to know what her power is, what the mansion looked like. I'm a really interesting read and the story flowed so well in the fact that the first line was captivating and grabbed the readers attention. The title of the piece was well suited as well. Couldn't work out any grammatical mistakes but if they are any I don't think there anything major. Hope that there is going to be more to this.