Adi Rogers pulled the hood of her hoodie down to hide her face. She tucked her long, black hair into it. Her bright blue eyes searched the street, worrying. Mom said to get food and get out, she reminded herself. Adi crossed the street and walked into the dingy grocery store. She stuck her hands in her pockets and looked at the ground while walking. She grabbed two loaves of bread and some milk before leaving. Without paying, of course. She walked out, not worrying about alarms. The shop was so cheap, it didn’t have alarms. She headed to the alley, where she and her mom, Katie, lived.
“Mom? I got the food.” She called out. No response, “Mom?!” Adi said, louder.
“Adi…” Katie’s voice trailed off. Adi hurried to her,
“Mom!”
“Honey…It’s time for me to leave this world…Take care…” Her breathing slowed.
“Momma…” Adi’s voice trailed off into sobs. “Mom…please! You can’t leave me!”
“My darling girl, sing me our song.” Said Katie, weakly.
“Alright.” Adi started to sing softly. Her mother loved the song The Call. The song ended with Adi bursting into uncontrolled sobs.
“I love you…” Katie whispered.
“I-I love you too, Mom.” Adi softly kissed her mother’s forehead. “And I always will.” Katie smiled softy and breathed her last. Adi held on to her body, not wanting to accept that her mother was gone. Her mother had been very weak for the past few weeks. Adi had done everything she could, but it was too late. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she held her mother. When it was morning, she walked out to the field and buried her, using her hands dig the pit. Many people stared at her. Some even laid their hands comfortingly on her shoulder. The weird thing was, no one tried to stop her, or ask what the heck she was doing.
Adi now only had one parent, and that parent was on the other side of the United States, in California. Her father, Steve Rogers, was about 96 years old. He was still looking good, though. He stood at six foot eight and had bright blue eyes like Adi’s. His hair was blonde, quite the opposite of Adi’s. In fact, aside from their eyes, they had almost nothing in common. Adi was a spitting image of her mother.
“Alright, Adi. Breathe.” Adi whispered to herself, shakily. It steadily got colder as time went on. Adi pick-pocketed an old man easily. He had about two hundred bucks in his wallet.
“Well, that’ll get me to California.” Adi said, grinning.
The next morning, Adi boarded the bus. “Train Station.” She said, briefly. The bus driver nodded. Adi chose a seat in the font, by a window. She dully watched as car after car whizzed by with the occasional motorcycle. Adi wanted a motorcycle. She used to ride on one with her father until…Adi shuddered and pushed the memory to the back of her brain, concentrating on what she was doing. Which, was watching cars whiz by.
In five minutes, the bus had stopped and Adi got out and paid the bus driver. She couldn’t believe this. Her mother was gone. It had finally hit her. Her eyes grew hard. This was all Dad’s fault. If he hadn’t broken up with her…Adi’s eyes narrowed. Well, it was time to get revenge. She stepped into the small train station and bought her ticket.
Adi had special powers. No one really knew why. Some supposed it was the Super Soldier Serum. Others said she got her powers from her mother, Gina. Here was her power: Adi was basically a flying human torch. She could make fire at will, and if she concentrated, she could fly as well as Iron Man himself. When she was little, she couldn’t control her powers. Adi wreaked havoc back then. She remembered burning Stark Tower once. Adi smiled when she remembered Tony’s face. The train conducted shouted, “All aboard!” and Adi grabbed a seat by a window.
“Train Ticket please.” Said the conductor, carelessly flinging out his hand for her ticket and accidentally smacking her face. Adi stood up quickly. Her hand became suddenly lit up by flames. The conductor looked at it in horror and realization. “Y-you’re the Captain’s kid-“He never finished his sentence. Adi struck him dead with a swipe of fire at his heart. She stepped calmly over his body and over to the head of the train. She screeched it to a stop. Other passengers ran out screaming, after seeing Adi kill the conductor.
“Taking the train was pointless. I could just fly to New York.” Adi grinned. Police officers surrounded her. Adi sighed.
“Don’t you people ever learn?” She created a ring of fire surrounding her.
Flashback
“Come on, Adison!” Yelled a brown haired boy, grinning. Adi ran after him.
“Puh-lease, James, I could catch you any day!” Adi yelled grinning back. She lunged at him, but a pair of big arms engulfed her.
“Hey Adi! How’s my girl?” Adi grinned and turned around.
“Hey, Nate.” Said Adi, grinning and kissing her boyfriend.
“Ugh! That is sooo gross. Adison, get a bedroom!” shouted James. Nate Barton went a red color. So did Adi.
“Sorry about him, Nate.”
“Its fine…Where’s your dad?”
“I don’t-“
“Right here.” Steve stood in the doorway with his arms folded and a frown planted on his face. Adi grimaced.
“Heeeeeey Dad.” Adi said slowly. The door burst open and Clint Barton walked in, looking furious.
“Hi Dad…Look, I’m sorry-“
“STEVE FREAKING ROGERS!” Steve jumped and turned around. Clint grabbed his arm and dragged Steve out of the room.
“Well that was….something. Wanna go out to get something to eat?” asked Nate. Adi grinned.
“Sure. Arby’s?”
“Of course.” They walked out.
“So…I you heard from Ashley yet?” Adi asked curiously. Nate shook his head.
“Nope, Thor said she was visiting her father. I haven’t heard from her since last week.”
“It seems like an awful long visit.” Adi laid her head on Nate’s shoulder. He kissed the top of her head.
“I wonder why my dad was mad at yours…” Nate mused while they were waiting for their food.
“I know…but it’s embarrassing.” Adi blushed. Nate raised an eyebrow.
“Why?”
“I tell you. Your dad wants me and you to be together forever….you know…husband and wife.” Nate choked on his Coke.
“I thought he didn’t like you…” He stated, surprised. Adi rolled her eyes.
“Well, thanks.” She said sarcastically. Nate grinned and then frowned.
“Adi, I’ve got something to tell you. You know Ashley is Loki’s daughter, right?” Adi nodded.
“Yeah, I always thought it was weird, but yeah, I know.”
“Well, Loki wants her to spy on the Avengers, so he is going to trick Steve and Katie to think that she is one of their children.”
“Mom and Dad?! No way! But, how did you find this out?” At this, Nate smirked.
“I kind of traveled to Asgard, and eavesdropped on father and daughter conversation.”
“That’s my boy.” Said Adi grinning. “This should be interesting…”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey, Hope! I love anything that has to do with Steve Rogers and the Avengers, so I'm here for a review!
While the first paragraph has an interesting set up, the phrasing is a bit off. When reading it aloud, all of the sentences starting with "she" stick out like a sore thumb. The fifth, sixth, and seventh sentence all have a choppy feel to them being so close together in the middle. That would probably read better with at least the events in that paragraph prolonged and some of the sentences prolonged as well.
How did she hide it? Even if the shop was incredibly cheap, wouldn't there be some clerks at the front desk watching the customers? Two loaves of bread and a jug of milk is pretty hard to conceal.
It took me a few moments to register that Katie was actually dying. Adding some description to that scene would probably help a bit more and it would give a more solid setting, so that would help more with the story overall. Besides, who doesn't love to tug on a reader's heartstrings with description?
Nice reference to Chris Evans and his time in the Fantastic Four.
While the first few paragraphs managed to garner sympathy for the main character, that doesn't mean that they're entirely removed from criticism. Killing the conductor, even though he was asking questions, wasn't the best of moves. Nothing in Adi's thoughts really ever hinted at her having that capability yet, so that was out of the blue. Creating the ring of fire around herself was also a bit sudden too. There was nothing about the narrative to clue the reader in, no subtle foreshadowing, nada. It was just a sudden switch from a poor girl with a dead mother to a heartless girl on fire who literally killed someone.
I'm not sure if you intended that, but it was a bit jarring.
Where did the police come from, how did they get there so fast, and why didn't the security get there first?
She was literally the person that caused all of it. They didn't really have much to learn from, unless an event like that had happened previously.
I am wondering how Adi and her now dead mother will fit into the entire universe. Given the fact that the Avengers already got a lot on their plate and that Adi is quickly turning into what seems to be a villainous character. (She killed someone, is plotting revenge on her father, and that last line made her sound like a major bad guy. That's why I'm referring to her as that. You might want to try and sway the reader to her side if you're aiming to make her a likable character.)
Uh, there's a small problem with info dumping and how the information is spaced out, but that's not one of the major things that stuck out to me.
I do hope that you keep on writing!
~Adrian, Knight of RED
Hey HopeSummers101, this is Senmaster here for a review.
Well, as I read this chapter, I thought three things: 1) You definitely have what it takes to become a writer, 2) this a really good idea you have here, but 3) the execution could have been done better. But for now let's focus on the first two. Throughout the chapter, I definitely got the feeling that you knew exactly what you wanted to do with this, and you have a good way of intriguing the reader and keeping him/her interested.
However, there were some components in the writing that could be improved, and thus could really strengthen the piece overall. But don't worry, many writers struggle with these. These are only truly strengthened through reading and plenty of writing, and I have no doubt you'll get the hang of them quickly.
Introduction: As you probably know, the very first page, maybe even the first paragraph or first line, is vital to hooking the reader. I see your first paragraph and I think that it's actually very good. It has that element of suspense - I really wanted to know who this character was and how she was able to steal so easily - and it really intrigued me. Well done here.
Sentence structure: This component of writing is one that a lot of writers struggle with. If you can remember, there are simple sentences, complex sentences, compound sentences, and a combination of those last two. To make a piece really flow, there has to be a good combination of all these kind of sentences. Your writing is good, but there are a lot of simple sentences. The writing can seem a little choppy at moments, but I think that with a little bit of work, you can easily combine the sentences and give the chapter a little more fluidity.
Pacing: Honestly, I think this was possibly the biggest issue I found with this chapter. It just jumped around from scene to scene very rapidly without the chance to truly develop your character and the world she lives in. Don't be afraid to just slow down and take your time explaining the circumstances and how your character is thinking. It would really strengthen this chapter.
Overall, I'm glad that you posted this chapter because it really gives us an idea of what kind of a novel you want to write. I hope you don't find my review to be too critical. I just hope it helps you in your revision of the chapter.
Thanks so much! And don't worry about being too harsh, I think of it as constructive criticism.
Hey, this is Kman134, here to review your work.
So far, this is an interesting story that captures the darker themes of Marvel; it starts off with a sad beginning and ends with a light twist. I noticed a few grammar mistakes, though, when i was reading and you she reread your work a bit.
"Mom said to get food and get out, she reminded herself."
this was the one part that i had trouble understanding. You should really italicize, or add quotation marks to this because, that way, it would show if Adi was thinking it or was just talking two herself.
Anyway, i like it, so far, can't wait to read more of this.
Good to know! Thanks for the review!
Hey there HopeSummers101. I just wanted to drop by for a quick review. When I see fan fic, especially Marvel, I like to read just to see a fan's theory or alternate timeline. I have never seen a plot quite like yours though. For someone who does not research very in depth into the history of characters it may be alright but there are a few plot holes O am worried about.
1. I saw a few grammar mistakes but Ibwould recommend before submitting anything on here run it through microsoft. If you don't have word use the google drive. It makes everything easier and you know that they are no spelling issues.
2. I had a few problems with the plot. You say that her mother is dying and that the mother and Steve split. I think this is a little against character but I will ignore this because it is a fanfic, an alternate chain of events. You are implying everyone got married and had kids but Clint already had kids in ultranationalist so his son would be a few years older than Adi. Or did he have more kids. I didn't get to see ultron all the way through so I didn't know what happened to the family. Please inform me if I am wrong. Also Loki's daughter. You say that she is spying on the avengers, are you going to work the dark world ending in somehow. You say that Adi blames her father but she is a little quick to jump onto the conclusion. I think that you wanted surprise but I would use the next chapter or two for flashbacks tobexolainbthe events in the beginning better.
3. Okay so Adi's power was flame like the Humab Torch. Were you relating this to the jokes about Chris Evans? How he plays two characters first torch, and the captain america? Please tell it was this or give an explanation of her powers. I know this most likely centers on the avengers but this bit sounds like it could be an x-men tie in.
I would love to read the next chapter.
Happy Writing!
-lizzy
Sorry I meant to type ultron but spellcheck got to it before I could fix it.
Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it. I am still editing it though. I just published it to get it out there.
I think this needed work. I liked how the protagonist is a bit of a (can I call it) villain, and the idea in and of itself. However, I did feel it could've been executed better.
Imagine the audience reading about a young woman stealing things off supermarket shelves, digesting the information. 'Oh, she must have a good reason for it,' they decide. And she does! And that good reason is her mother. But then the mother, suddenly and inexplicably, drops dead, without any character development. Why should we feel sorry for the protagonist, then? We don't know how her mother was. We haven't experienced her mother as the protagonist has. We know Adi's sad, but we don't feel it. We know that Adi's looking for somebody to blame, but at the same time, we don't feel her desperate rage. We know most of the things about Adi, but here's the thing--we don't know how to feel about it.
And I think that sums up what I feel might need to be solved. You have a brilliant idea in your hands, but you have to sell it to us. You have to convince us, the audience, that this isn't just another story about the paper children of characters we know and love dishing it out. You have to convince us that your OC's deserve just as much respect as their parents, and just as much attention. So far, while the plot can support itself, a lot of the problems rely on character establishment and audience empathy. I suggest you cool down for now, give some more time for your characters to introduce themselves, settle into their environment. And Adi's anger to her father? Yeah, try to develop that, too. It sort of feels like she suddenly decides her father's at fault.
Overall, nice work, but maybe tweak it a little more. Good luck on the story!
I'm still editing, I just wanted to get it out there. Thanks for all the advice though!