There she stood on the cliff,feeling the wind of rush from the waterfall beside her.She closed her eyes and remembered yesterday,"i don't think I'm ready to go yet"Abagail said to him.He looked at her with a confused disgruntled look,then said"It's easy all you have to do is close your eyes and trust,look all the newbies they are already at it and having a blast,just trust in your soul,it's the main point."Abagail backed away slowly"no....i can't..i..It's just not beautiful like the other days today"she said.Jeremiah's face fell,sad that she wasn't persuaded by him,she knew she hurt him by not trusting him,but how could she trust anyone?Then she walked down the path slowly and didn't dare look back to see more sadness in his face.She opened her eyes,looked up and took a deep breath,sighed,and looked around.
It was beautiful,early morning with some sun but still that cool night atmosphere.She could feel it was going to be very sunny and warm today.As she was contemplating and smiling of having this time alone,Jeremiah had followed her because he heard her creep out of the darkness.He leaned against the rock,slightly flattening himself but his head crooked so he can see,smiling big knowing and proud that she was going to try but just needed time.Abagail tiptoed to the ledge abit closer,feet perfectly together.She was remembering that just a week ago,she was in The Other World it was the only world she had known until now.Knowing that a week ago she was alive enjoying here life there,then thinking as she died slowly now i will go to heaven,but instead woke up her in this world.Supposedly when you die you don't go up or down,you just go to the other half-sort of like another dimension-And live there like some sort of mythical creature and she HATED it.
She had everything she could have wanted and need in The Other World,and now it was all gone and she had to start all over here in this miserable place.But now that she was alone and away form all those other newbies she felt good,so she spread her arms out to her sides and pushed her toes forward to let herself free fall.She closed her eyes as she did this,hoping to God these wings do come out,just as the others did yesterday,their wings were all three times the size of them but looked see through and lightweight,not like some feathery bird's or angel wings from costumes.When she fell she heard Jeremiah yell"Don't worry you'll be fine!"Which made her open her eyes and panic as she saw nothingness and clouds.But then she felt a jolt and she felt more as if she was gliding,she was still heading down and fast too.
She heard Jeremiah shout again to her"Use you mind and think of what direction you want to go and use your head to move"All Abagail could think of was him now,she was frightened and just wanted to get back to that over-friendly buff boy.She tilted her head up and as she thought of him she slowly went to him,like a puff of a cloud trailing along in the sky,I'm actually doing it she thought.Abagail directed herself up and steadily put her feet on the mossy-wet ledge where Jeremiah was standing.He reached out and touched her arm to help her but she immediately ran and clutched to his chest,without thinking.She heard him give out a chuckle,but all she could do was close her eyes shut and be
frozen,holding on to Jeremiah for her life.
I Did this story and i doubt it's good but please tell your opinion,thanks:)
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
I didn't get past the first paragraph. It was too hard to read. You have so many mistakes - the beginnings of sentences - and even the pronoun "I"! - are not capitalized; sentences and words literally run into each other because there are no spaces at all, even though you "punctuated them" with millions of unnecessary commas; you have successive run-ons, resulting in a muddy mash that makes very little sense unless the reader stops and breaks the sentences down into comprehensible collections, which can take a little while; and again, commas! You have too many commas, which is more than likely one of the reasons your writing is so messy right now.
I'm not meaning to be rude. This is merely constructive, and I hope you view this review as such. I will check back and try to read your story again, because the title has snared my attention. I will say congratulations on that - an effective title!
Keep writing. Practice makes perfect - although we all know only God is perfect.
Hello, I am going to review you for today. Since Shear already did the revising then I guess I don't have to... or maybe I'm just too lazy but anyway, I like the story, it kept me interested. Although it was hard for me to read since it was all squished together.
Before I say anything else, LOVE that avatar of yours. It's from Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt right?
I love that anime xD
...Back to topic, you forgot to capitalize i's and try to start a new paragraph with dialog. It will make people's life a lot easier. I didn't bother to check the grammar so that's off, lol.
There's nothing else I can say rather than... keep on the good work :]
Hey, Momo!
I'm Pink, I'll be doing a quick review for you today. ^^
First of all, there are a few things regarding your grammar and punctuation that I want to clarify before I start to talk about the story overall. Your commas are one thing, make sure you place them in the right places. I'm going to look at this one sentence here:
There should be a comma after yet. You need to learn the basics of punctuation, especially with dialogue. It saves us reviewers from having to review and nitpick those and we can focus on your story as a whole. Also, capitalize your I's please! lol ^^ it reads unprofessionally and might scare away readers. You story could be the best thing in the world but if people see bad grammar and punctuation, they might not review it or even read it.
Another few things I'd like mention would be to space after your commas. For example:
"Hey, what did you say again," he asked. <-- it reads easier and feels less cramped.
As with your dialogue, remember to break lines every time a new person speaks otherwise we'll get confused as to who is saying what.
Make sure your writing in just one tense. Past or present.
She contemplated and smiled *at having this time alone.
She contemplates and smiles at having this time alone.
Now the story itself was very hard to understand. What is this other world? Where is the setting? Who are the characters and what are their problems and goals? I don't understand it really but I feel as if you know what you're thinking but in writing, you're struggling to explain it. This 'other world' and the characters emotions seem to be very interesting and deep but it's hard to grasp the main conflict and action in here. Try lengthening it and dig into the little spaces in between to find the core of the story and characters. Work on punctuation and grammar, if you're having trouble you can always refer to this page on YWS that has some of the basic rules: forum151.html
Keep writing and if you have any questions free free to PM me.
-Shear
It was a little hard to read but I really enjoyed it. I want to know more, I want to know more about the characters, about the other world, about the story. i really think you should keep writing, I think this can go beyond a short story.
Your writing is fine, needs a little work but it's not bad. Every writer starts off horrible, so if your writing isn;t good on your frist draft, write a second and a third. Most authors write atleast four or five drafts.
Please don't give up! If you need help message me, I'll be happy to help.
This seemed interesting, but very hard to read. Can you space out the dialogue, capitalize your I's, and put spaces between the punctuation marks? I did like your premise, but it was really hard trying to read through your opening. This sounds as if you could continue it. It would be interesting to see where this goes. But, please, please, space things out.