z

Young Writers Society


12+

The storm began

by Homachi


(A story of an instance of one of those superstition riding circumstances)

I dared not open my window for the day had been gravely chilly, it had been like this for several days.

I never presumed that a cold of this severity could betake this area, it's not like I lived on a hill. I lived just by the side of the road.

For this chilly wind, i had rejected any requests where I would be required to leave the house. On this particular Sunday, I had stayed at home, alone, doubtless it was due to the weather which affected me greatly.

Since my wake till now, I had lay on my bed watching the animations from my TV ever so interested. As I turned to my side to pick up the remote, in effort to increase the loudness, the power in the house ceased.

Now i was enveloped by a darkness. As the ease was coming to my eyes, I went over to my windows and pulled on the strings that raised the blinds. As the sunlight crept into my room, I could see how far the day had gone. The streets were not as scarce as they were a half hour ago.

I yawned, I stretched, then headed over to the mirror in the ray lit room. "I'm not a morning person", I murmured to myself. Then went over to the bathroom to dash a little water onto my face. I could skip all the morning procedure. After all, I was alone and it was just another casual Sunday morning.

I decided I was going to have a large breakfast, so I headed to the kitchen in a half blind motion. If I had not been familiar with the steps I would be certain to fall, particularly on this very weary morning.

Once I reached the end of the steps I saw in the house, a cat. Oh, the horrendous shock I felt for we had no cat, nor even a dog. My parents hated animals and I shared in their loathing of the kind.

The fear was at once overwhelming for I knew not what to do next, I just stood there watching the demon take its wicked strides. Where this creature could come from, I had no knowledge of.

Surely the doors were locked, the windows! Oh, it occurred to me that I had left the windows of the small cabin where our food stock was kept. The wind had deterred me from even going in, I only closed the door.

This malevolent wind has gradually in its fiendish ways led me to this situation.

I still stood there, as the creature had appeared not to notice me. It just lay facing the glass doors that led to the courtyard. Its head was slowly moving up and the opposite.

Suddenly, a new curiosity had struck me to know exactly what the animal had been so occupied with so as not to even take note of my being there. And with a mountain of the slightest courage, I took a step towards it, surreptitiously, then took two more almost simultaneously.

At this point, I knew the animal was licking. Something coloured red, I would not have so much certainty to it if the creature was not black, the darkest of the shades. Which charged my spite for the creature even the more.

Now I was torn between the curiosity that reduced my fear of the creature and persuaded me to know the object of its sole occupation, and the voice that spoke of an impending doom and suggested I run back to my room and lock my door with all my might.

Before I could decide what to do, the creature turned slowly, and just like in a horror story, it purred and meowed at me. Oh the horror.

Like it had delivered a message that was purposed to be directed to me. It slowly got up and took strides in the way of the kitchen. What strangeness.

I feared to follow its steps so as not to lead it on to believe in a friendship or that i was being amiable whilst I understood that I should not haul an item at it or hint aggression towards its proceeding action and therefore convey to it that it was still an alien in my household despite I did nothing to vanquish it.

So I just stood there taking care to watch it take its strides. And I remained at that position for several minutes, not knowing what to think of what had just occurred.

Then another mountain of courage emerged and I went forth into the kitchen, very cautiously I looked around. Observed every corner. And then checked the cabin, the window was still open, I closed it.

Now I knew, the creature was gone.

The message in this, I knew not how to extract. The animal was licking some viscous liquid I at first thought was blood but was then reassured that it was. Where this blood came from, I knew not.

Surely this was an omen. And the impending doom, certainly was directed at me. On realisation of this, I fell into a sadness more profound if i could say, than the depths of the sea.

What could this mean? And who was I to designate such a question to? I was left in a blizzard of thought as I retired to my room and the wind continued to howl on, as if in commutation of a calmness to the very punishment I ought to suffer. 


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485 Reviews


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Reviews: 485

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Tue Jun 20, 2017 5:49 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



Hey there! Eli here for a lovely review of your work.

It was an interesting story even if I still can not really tell what the real purpose of it was. I can tell you are kind of new here? So if it is proper, welcome to YWS! I am glad you decided to join and let us read your work. I see it is your first one, I think you did great for a first work in the site. Now, with the issues, aside from my likings of this work, I think that you let minor mistake pass through and happen. To be seen by us, readers and reviewers, the story goes not such a long way and does not tell us much. It does not leave us satisfied with information, mystery or whatsoever of this kind. Everything is basic and very neutral. The MC is alone in their house and find a cat that found a way in during the late afternoon to night hours. It is windy outside, maybe stormy, we get it from the beginning. But after that description of the weather, you suddenly turned it into something of the horror genre? Suspense maybe? It would shock each reader and actually confuse him. It is great to have different styles, genres, scenes, whatever in your work, but it needs to be united with the rest around it. It needs to collide into each other, mix into one and create one lovely short story!

With that left aside, I feel like the ending is rushed. I see why they are scared from the cat but the 'Oh how scary it meows' part was just making me laugh. It sounds sacrastic even.

Besides that, we have some other issues, minor ones as I said earlier. I will try to cover up some to show examples.

For this chilly wind, I had rejected any requests for which I would be required to leave the house.

Since my awake till now,

Now I was enveloped by a darkness.

I yawned, I stretched, then headed over to the mirror in the ray lit room.

If I had not been familiar with the steps, I would be certain to fall, particularly on this very weary morning.

Once I reached the end of the steps, I saw in the house, a cat.

Oh, it occurred to me that I had left the windows of the small cabin where our food stock was kept open.

Suddenly, a new curiosity had struck me to know exactly what the animal had been so occupied with so as not to even take note of me being there.

At this point, I knew the animal was licking something.

Something coloured in red,

Oh, the horror.

I feared to follow its steps so as not to lead it on to believe in a friendship or that I was being amiable while I understood that I should not haul an item at it or hint aggression towards its proceeding action..

And the impending doom (no comma) certainly was directed at me. On realization of this, I fell into a sadness more profound if I could say, than the depths of the sea.


Keep on writing!




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126 Reviews


Points: 144
Reviews: 126

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Thu May 18, 2017 10:03 pm
papillote wrote a review...



Hi, Homachi.
I was also surprised by the sharp turns you took. You were telling us of a normal morning and, then, bang, it was a weird horror story. I was with you to the end. But it came about so quickly. I didn't necessarily need more of an explanation - it was a very good story - but it was just very abrupt.
And there are a few small typos. I only took note of one time when you wrote « i » instead of « I ».




Homachi says...


Lol. Sorry about the i. Thank you for the review. Your comments were very helpful.



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Points: 350
Reviews: 9

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Thu May 18, 2017 5:12 pm
naxoll wrote a review...



Hey. This is a good story. I like how you've made it realistic by focusing on the day-to-day actions of the protagonist - it makes the story seem more believable and easier to picture. You've also done well in portraying how 'malevolent' the wind is by repeatedly mentioning it and its effect on the protagonist's life. Also, I like how you've described the cat quite briefly to convey the confusion of the protagonist.

I think, however, that the main thing the story lacks is an increase in suspense. You started well by describing the wind and its gloomy effects, but I feel as if you began building up the tension then stopped half-way. Maybe, if you were willing to increase the length of the short story, you could have made the cat a recurring character and somehow link several strange actions it performs with the wind - that way, the suspense would constantly increase, and the reader would feel more than just confused about the cat.

Also, I think the ending was a bit too sudden - the paragraph before the last hints at an event that will happen later on, but because there wasn't much suspense built up throughout the story, it didn't have as much of an impact as it could have had. Maybe, to increase the suspense again, you could have had several situations where the protagonist is given signs that something bad will happen to him (the omen).

Perhaps you could have built on the power outage (maybe have it happen once more, or have the protagonist find out that it had only happened to the protagonist's house and none of his neighbors' houses.

Overall though, this story was quite good if a little short.




Homachi says...


Thank you so much, I enjoyed this review. I will hearken and no doubt, this will have a positive effect on my proficiency in the future.


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naxoll says...


No problem, glad I could help.




"And the rest is rust and stardust."
— Vladimir Nabokov