z

Young Writers Society



Glass & Ashes 2/2

by Holysocks


Stolen? Mason thought. She hadn't remembered anyone taking her shoe... but mind you, she couldn't remember much about the whole thing. Stolen seemed a bit drastic though. But that's what was in the legends; folks that had their left shoe stolen had little to no memory of the event. Losing your shoe was bad enough, because – if you believed in those sorts of things – your family would be doomed to poverty for the rest of your life. But no one really cared about that detail since most people had poverty to begin with. However, it was still looked at as a highly disgraceful thing to do to your family.

Mason tried to remember what would happen if it was stolen, but she couldn't seem to.

Regi stared at the floor, gnawing on the side of his lip.

“Please?” Geor said.

They sat in silence for a long moment, and then Regi spoke. “Okay. But I need something from you, too.”

Geor sighed in relief, but then a look of confusion came over his face. “What do you need from me?”

“I need something from both of you. I'm not just going to make a new shoe. That is actually a very bad idea; you need to find the old one.”

“How on earth are we going to find her old one? I thought you said you were going to help us?” Geor said.

“I am going to help you. I'm going to help you find your shoe.” Regi said, he was looking at Mason now. “We have to deal with these shoe thieves before it gets out of hand.”

“It's just a shoe though...” Mason said. “I'll be fine, really, I'm sure. It can't be that big of a deal.”

Geor stared at her in disbelief. “Do you not know what exactly this means?” He asked.

Mason shook her head.

“First it's shoes, then it's pots and pans, then it's apples, then it's chickens- the next thing you know they'll be snatching children left and right! If it gets out of hand-”

Regi nodded along to what Geor was saying.

“If it gets out of hand,” Geor repeated, “it's going to be an epidemic!”

“Well, who stole my shoe that's going to be stealing children?” Mason asked. It seemed a little odd that it would escalate so quickly...

“Not sure.” Geor replied. “Could be anything... Ogers, gnomes, trolls...”

“You know what I think it is?” Regi said, with a hint of a smirk. “It seems more like Korrigans to me. They probably didn't like her stumbling about at night.”

Geor tapped his nose thoughtfully. “That would sort of explain why they stole her shoe... warning enough but small enough that you might just think you lost your shoe.”

“But I did just lose my shoe!” Mason said. She was beginning to find this discussion annoying, and neither of them were elaborating.

"Doubtful." Geor said.

"Why do you say that?" Mason asked, "No one took it from me... I would have seen if someone had taken from me. How could someone have stolen a shoe off my foot?"

"How could you lose a shoe while you were wearing it?" Regi asked. "Even better!" Regi exclaimed, "How could you lose  your shoe and then not remember anything about the incident? Don't you think you would have remembered stepping on all those sharp pebbles?"

Mason wiggled the toes on her left foot, contemplating his words, and not wanting to give them the satisfaction of proving her wrong. "But... wouldn't I remember someone stealing it more than simple losing it?"

Regi sighed, "Not if they were messing with the little friend in your head." he said.

Mason looked to Geor, but he didn't meet her gaze, instead he fiddled with the hem of his coat. After a long moment of silence, Mason finally spoke:

"Why did they steal my shoe, whoever 'they' are?"

"Sadly we'll just have to wait to know the answer to that." Regi said.

"So what was it you wanted from me?" Geor asked. He still wasn't looking at Mason, but he didn't have that grave look to his eyes.

Regi tapped his long fingers on his leg. "It's not so much something I want, but something I need in order to... in order to help you."

"Oh?" Geor said, mildly interested. "What is it then?- I'm so curious now."

"I need your..." Regi glanced out the window, trying to coax the words from within him. "I need this lovely lady's..."

"For the sake of pies, tell us already!" Geor said.

With that Regi got up and walked over to where Geor sat. Then he bent down and whispered in the fellow’s ear.

"That's not fair!" Mason said, confused and anxious as to what it could be that he needed. "You have to tell me too." She stood up, but didn't know what she was going to do. She was too paranoid now that there were some sort of terrible creature out there just waiting to cause mischief, so she wasn't going to try to go home; not at night. And besides that, she was exhausted from the day.

Geor sighed. “I think it’s best you get some rest for the night, darling. Wouldn’t want you to catch a… what are those things you catch again?”

“A cold?” Regi suggested.

“Yes.” Geor said. “A cold.”

“I’m sorry but I’m not going to sleep after all this.” Mason said. “Can you please tell me what’s going on? And what do you need from me?”

“Fine.” Geor said, but he wouldn’t look at Mason. “What’s going on here is a mystery to the lot of us, but it’s no good whatever it is, and we need to take a sample of your foot so that we can get a better understanding of the whole happenings which are going on.”

“What kind of sample…?” She asked.

Regi shifted uncomfortably. “Just a… maybe you’re little toe- OR something, not quite sure yet how much we’ll need yet.”

“My toe?” Mason said. She pushed the chair slowly out of her way and started walking backwards towards the door. “you know what?” she said. “I think I’ll just buy a new shoe. I’m sure my mother has some coins for emergencies.” she showed them her most confident smile she could manage, hoping it didn’t show the terror she felt instead.

“Where are you going?” Geor asked, sliding off his chair.

“Home!” Mason said the word with more excitement than she’d ever said it before, and laughed nervously.

“Now?” Regi asked in disbelief. But she was already out the door.

“This is very important!” Geor called after her, but she just ran.

Muddy water splashed up her legs and all over her dress which had started to dry in the warm hut. That would be a pain to wash.

She passed house after house, the rain pounding even harder. She ran with the speed that you only have when you know something’s behind you. At some point the lights started to thin out, the way they do on the edge of town, but she didn’t feel like she’d been running that long. She felt like there was still so much space she wanted to make between her and that smithies. I can’t have reached the edge of town yet… she thought, but the unmistakable feeling of pebbles and twigs told her otherwise. Reeds, tall enough to tickle the bottom of Mason’s chin surrounded her, and her feet sunk into muddy clumps of moss slowing her down tremendously. Then trees hung over her, spreading their arms, and pushing fingertips with each other, as if they were working together to keep the rain off Mason. It was a nice gesture, but she was already damp enough to keep the fields growing for a month. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1087 Reviews


Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

Donate
Tue Feb 09, 2016 1:20 pm
View Likes
Sins wrote a review...



'Sup 8)

I'm so glad you posted this because I was worried you never would, and all of my shoe-related questions would never be answered </3

I feel like this will be a pretty useless review, so I apologise in advance for that. Heaps didn't happen in this chapter so I can't really comment on plot, but it was a super entertaining read. You're managing to maintain this fairytale feel to your writing, and it's working wonderfully. The three characters we've met are interesting and entertaining, and I'm curious to find out if what Geor and Regi are saying about things escalating is true. I like Mason's character; she's a bit sporadic and somewhat all over the place, and it makes her really quirky. I get the feeling things could eventually start turning somewhat dark, and I hope I'm right in saying that because I'm a rather twisted person. Overall, a lovely read!

I fear I'm going to be that guy now (well, girl) who spends an entire review repeating myself because the only real issues I had with this were ones I'd noted in the last review. I'm still uncertain why Geor has only now rocked up in Mason's life, but like I noted in my last review, I'll give you more of a chance to explain that as this is still early on in the story! A bigger issue that's still bugging me is the setting of this: I still don't really know anything about where these guys live, what kind of life they have, who they are exactly e.t.c. Basically, I still feel like I know very little about the world this story is set in. I still think the dialogue-narrative balance has something to do with this, but I don't like dictating people's writing styles so imma be chill on that. I just feel that at the beginning of a novel, setting up the world and the way it works is quite important. Otherwise, your readers may spend a lot of time wondering why certain things are happening, why characters are making the choices they are, and just generally what's going on exactly.

Something that isn't actually just a repetition of my last review (yay!) is in regards to Mason's reaction and general feeling about these children-stealing legends. It's totally cool that she doesn't believe them, but part of me wants her to at least question it a little. What if it is true? What if the disappearance of her shoe will, in fact, lead to chaos and awful consequences? I don't want her to believe everything Geor and Regi are saying and have a panic attack in the middle of the scene, but I'd like to see her worry a little, maybe. Partly because I get the feeling what they're saying is true, and that this shoe ordeal is going to lead to much greater things. This would have other benefits too, methinks, in the sense that it would break up your dialogue a bit. While the conversation is occurring, Mason can question her beliefs a little in-between. This is more of a suggestion than a critique, in fairness, but I figured I'd mention it!

Aaaaand that's it. I apologise for the uselessness of this review. I only pointed out, like, on thing (and it was a repeat of my last review anyway). I guess the two chapters/parts were pretty similar, so my critiques for both are almost the same. The main thing I think you should take from this is the 'building up your world' thing because I truly do think it's vital that you give us readers a better understanding of what everything is, and how it works. Other than that, there are no big issues with what you have so far. As always, please let me know if you've got any questions or comments regarding this review!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




Holysocks says...


Thanks Skins!!! I like that idea about Mason worrying a bit there. And I'll get on that world stuff and stuff C: I think I know how to do that now! ^_^



Sins says...


Yay, good :) I'm glad I was at least somewhat helpful!



User avatar
476 Reviews


Points: 561
Reviews: 476

Donate
Sat Feb 06, 2016 11:06 am
View Likes
Apricity wrote a review...



Hey darling, I'm back. I'm not sure how helpful this review will be, I'm all over the place with my head at the moment.

So, I tried stalking your portfolio to find an earlier novel that I remembered reading to draw a comparison with the writing you had back then and the writing you have now. There's a big improvement, I don't handle this out easily but your writing voice (at least the one you've chosen and shown here) really draws me in.

It was a nice gesture, but she was already damp enough to keep the fields growing for a month.


Sentences like these, they make me giddy with pleasure. It's wonderful descriptive in the most succinct way, keep doing what you're doing here because it's working. Mason as a character and just this in general attracts me, it's peculiar, it's scattered but it's scattered in the best way possible. It highlights Mason's personality and character and the plot without making it seem unrealistic or illogical, I feel like I'm reading a fairytale and an epic adventure at the same time. The way you write sort of reminds me of how Rothfuss writes in The Slow Regard of Silent Things, it's absolutely magical. Of course, there are places where you can tweak to make the flow better and the character interaction less awkward and flat but on the whole I think G&A has a lot of untaped potential. Which is always good when it comes to novelling.

Anyways, I've handled out enough praise let's move onto things I think you can improve. I mentioned this in my last chapter, but I'm going to mention this again because I see it repeated here. Your dialogue, your dialogue tends to run on for a long amount of time without any breaks in between. They also tend to be fast, without tags and so overtime they appear to be annoying, talking heads to me. Sort of like how Mason feels, except I'm even more confused. There's a lot of exchange going on between Geor and Regi and there's also a lot of information being thrown around. Such as the shoe being stolen, I have a feeling that Geor and Regi aren't exactly the most normal of people out there. And the shoe seems to be a metaphor for something that is unknown to us. With all this new information and unknowns, it starts to get a bit heavy and I get disorientated.

Character and world development

Look I even put it in red and bolded it, so you have to take notice of it now. :p It's two chapters in and I still have no idea what kind of world this is. Now, this is a dangerous thing in several ways. One, the readers have no idea if this story takes place in floating castle, an underground city or maybe it's some weird holographic city from a machine. My point is without a solid knowledge of where this is so they can draw links to it with the world we know, it's hard to get a grip on what's happening. A city also contributes a lot to the story, just think of your own life. Where you live tells people a good deal about you, it's the same with a story. So, there are trolls in this world but are there any other creatures?

Which brings me to the question of who and what is Geor and Regi, who is Mason? Is she human, are Geor and Regi human? There has been a lot of action going on in the last two chapters, and I haven't seen Geor, Regi nor Mason outside of their interaction with each other. Which means that my view on all three of these characters are extremely one-sided at the moment, I only know who they are when they interact with others so what are they really like on their own? You could give them that in between dialogue, you don't have to jump straight onto the next person. Give them a bit of time, let them contemplate a reply and go through the possible choices. What they think gives away a great about their education, background and personality.

That's mostly my critique on this chapters, please tag me for future chapters. <3 As always, if you any questions regarding this review. Please feel free to ask me.

-Hir

Image




Holysocks says...


Thank you SO much! I'm going to be editing and revising both chapters and tagging some people to see if I've hit the points they've mentioned so BEWARE! XD Thank you again so much!



User avatar
472 Reviews


Points: 25
Reviews: 472

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2016 10:52 am
View Likes
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here for a quick review! :D Since I'm on phone, I'll mention things that stood out the most.

Stolen? Mason thought.


I realized you didn't italicize 'Stolen?' as to show it was a thought. At first, I suspected it might be a stylistic device, so I went to the first part and realized you italicized it there. Italicize this one to maintain consisntency.

“How on earth are we going to find her old one? I thought you said you were going to help us?” Geor said.


Your dialogues could use some body languages or facial expression to follow them with. Geor starting it with 'How on earth' could imply incredulity in his voice, but we didn't know that just from 'Geor said', which was a pretty neutral verb. Not that I'm against the use of 'said', it's just that it'd give more substance to the story--and character--to elabore in that. 'Geor said with edgy voice' or 'Geor frowned, slight shaking his head' at the start of the dialogue could avoid it from being flat.

“Well, who stole my shoe that's going to be stealing children?” Mason asked. It seemed a little odd that it would escalate so quickly...

“Not sure.” Geor replied. “Could be anything... Ogers, gnomes, trolls...”


I'm not a fan of ellipses... when it's in the end of the sentence (see what I did there ;)). There are only one function of it to me: to drag things out before reaching at the end. The ellipses you used didn't serve that. It's fine with '...so quickly' and 'Could be anything'. Maybe you can use it to break dialogue into two: 'Could be... anything.'

Also, there were times where you ended a dialogue tag with a period instead of a comma before saying '[someone] said'. Additionally, you capitalized the pronoun after it. I suggest you to reread to catch those things. Since they are minor yet noticeable, I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard.

Regarding the story, I think it brought some interesting questions. Firstly, I was under the assumption that the shoe was indeed just lost--and not stolen-- but hearing Regi's questions about how a shoe worn was lost, and how Mason didn't remember how she lost it, I knew there was something more to this. This was a good and slow hints to what's goinf to happen--and actually happened.

I also found Mason an interesting character. At times, she was the voice of reason---when she wondered why someone stealing shoes would kidnap children--and stubborn when she knew Regi's words made sense. Her reaction to all of this was pretty realistic, and I liked it she didn't just follow their words/instructions, deemed the whole scenario useless or not in serious need of putting yourself into thinking about, and just left. It made me wonder what would happen next.

Description. At the end of this story, you had a nice chunk of it; I could totally imagine Mason's surrounding out at the open. However, in the beginning there was a lack of it. We were in Geor's shop, after all, so surely there were many things you could show them--not just to set up a setting, but to also give a reflection of Geor's character through the things he had chosen to display there. You should grab this opportunity.

And that is all. Keep up the good job! :D




Holysocks says...


Thanks you very much, Light! I had copied and pasted this into the text box instead of uploading it and I think that's why 'stolen' wasn't itilized, because I know it was and there was a bunch of other places with italics as well xP Thanks again!!!



User avatar
141 Reviews


Points: 34531
Reviews: 141

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2016 3:45 am
Hattable says...



Remind me to get to this some time because right now I can't focus enough to read anything. >.>




Holysocks says...


Kay c:




Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
— Homer Simpson