Young Writers Society

Hey, Holographic! I'm stopping in to review your poem here today, so let's get started!

First of all, this is more a matter of preference for me, but I find the tildes (~) between your stanzas distracting. It doesn't add to the poem, and you don't need it to separate the stanzas; it's just something you seem to have added that breaks the idea up too much and serves no real purpose. I would recommend removing them and seeing how that looks; if you're too connected to the tildes, of course, you can keep them.

You know me.
I've said sorry a
bunch of times now.
I can't help it and
but what you also know
is what I see.

You have two awkward line breaks in this first stanza, the first being "I've said sorry a/bunch of times now", which doesn't flow well enough to justify the awkward break, and the second being "I can't help it and/but what you also know", which doesn't make sense to me. What were you trying to say here? It seems to have gotten lost in your endeavor to make something unconventional.

My powerful and
competitive nature
helped you win.
That is what bugs me.

This is bland to me. (You see how that statement doesn't have a huge effect?) You state this stanza outright instead of showing it; you tell the reader instead of letting them make the connections on their own. Then you end it with "That is what bugs me", which sounds awkward and is ridiculously redundant. The reader will assume the speaker is bothered by someone else's success riding on their shoulders, with them getting none of the credit; you need only state it if it's otherwise, that the speaker enjoys it or endures it for some reason.

This poem has very little flow. It's not an easy read, and the lines don't appear to be saying much but "you used me, so I'm done with you". It's dragged out far too long, with redundant, repetitive lines throughout, and the imagery is weaker than I would like in a poem like this. I enjoyed some of the lines, but the majority of the poem is told rather than shown, and as a result, the message and impact is severely weakened for the reader.

While the message is certainly one that could use more representation in modern literature, the idea of breaking things off with a friend to avoid use and abuse by that friend, while the speaker is not the one demonized...your poem isn't firing on all cylinders. It could be a lot stronger if you revised the imagery and flow.

The only real image you have here is "I have become your little harlequin,/dancing around on my own knife". (I really like those lines!) Anything else is undermined by "I realize", "You know", "I don't think"—weak verbs that could use a leg up into stronger territory.

The poem isn't bad, hear me on that. It just needs work, a loving hand, and some elbow grease. (Elbow grease is a poet's best friend when it comes to emotional poems like this.)

As I love to say, keep writing!

Hey, I'm here to review!

You know me,
I've said sorry a
bunch of times now.
I can't help it and
but what you also know
is what I see.

I think the first line can stand by its own. There's no need for comma at the end because the idea seems disjointed with the second line. Also, the fourth and fifth lines have weird conjunctions. It's either 'and' or 'but', but not both. You feel me? Because of that, I've difficulty to get the meaning of them.

I realize that I have become your little harlequin,
dancing around on my own knife
as you peer into my
soul.
You know you know me,
and that is what I am bothered with.
You know my ticks,
so can I destroy yours?

This stanza's flow is kinda broken at the middle because of the one-word line. Not only that, the ideas don't seem collarate each other. The idea of being played like a harlequin, and suddenly there are 'ticks' should be broken into two, which means two stanzas, which might be why this stanza's flow isn't as smooth as it could be.

You act like my 'friend',
but I don't think that that
is how they should act.

Well, the second line would do with just a 'that'. If you can notice, 'that' can be dropped most of the times. It's just wonderful [that] you can know these stuffs. Also, why 'they'? You refer that person as 'friend', singular. So instead of using 'they', use 'one' instead. '... is how one should act...' is a universal reference to a friend.

All in all, this is a good poem. I can see there's anger in there, there's regret, there's something we can relate with this. The idea of being played around by your friend, of how your friend doesn't act like a true friend is relatable. I'm just going to be worried with your wording, and how each stanza should stand on its own while connected with others. Keep up the good job!