Young Writers Society

I walk up to my room. My hands are shaking. I miss the lock with the key a few times before I open the door.

“Nathan’s not home yet,” Ryan says turning on the tv.

“I know,” I say.

“You okay?”

“No.”

I walk past him and into mine and Nathan’s room. I take off my socks and pants. I climb under the covers and close my eyes.

Everything bad happens to me, but no one cares. I won't tell Nathan, he'll just say it'll be okay, when it won't be. It never will be. I think

Nathan wakes me up at seven. He rolls me over to face him. He wipes tears off my cheeks and tucks my hair behind my ear. He holds my hand in his.

“I read the paper when I got home and it said your dad passed away. It said he died of cancer last night,” he says.

“You expect me to go to that?” I say sitting up.

“No I don’t. You’ve been through enough.”

“Good, because that piece of shit didn’t give a fuck about me, not since my mom and Gwen died. That’s why I moved in with you and Ely moved in with my aunt.”

He looks at me with a blank face and walks out of our room.

I roll back over and cry myself asleep.

It must be morning because I feel Nathan wake up. I grab my phone and wait for Nathan to leave the room. I call Nick.

“I’m not in the mood to talk to you, Ev,” he says.

“What did you do to Tash and the football players?” I snap through gritted teeth.

“What do you mean?”

“When I went to walk home, they grabbed me and took me in the locker room and said you fucked with them and Tash.”

“Okay, so?”

I look through the slightly open door for Nathan. “They raped me. They said because you messed with them I had to feel what it was like to take it in the ass,” I whisper. My eyes never leaving the door.

“Evan…”

“Don’t fucking say that stupid fucking word. You know that won’t do shit. It’s like putting a band aid on a bullet hole. Useless,” I shout.

Nathan opens the door and leans on the door frame.

“I don’t even know what to say, what to think,” Nick says.

“What the fuck did you do to them?”

Nathan walks closer to me. I ignore him and lean my back into the headboard.

“Teased Tash about being bi, because I put a picture of a pussy on her locker. Then saying at least half the football team is gay. I also found their weed stash…”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Nick.”

“I know.”

I hang up and throw my phone against the wall and start beating up the pillow. Nathan grabs my arms and brings my hands to his chest.

“What happened?”

I look at his face.

I don't want to keep anything from him, but I don't want him to give me that fucking pitying look I’ve been getting my whole life.

“What happened Evanlyn?” he says. His grip gets tighter in my hands.

I still don’t say anything. Ryan walks in and grabs Nathan’s shoulder. Nathan lets go of my hands. Ryan listened to my phone call. He tells Nathan everything.

“What the hell Ryan? Do you always listen to me when I’m in here?” I shout at him. My throat feels raw from yelling.

“Evanlyn… why didn’t you tell me?”

This fight is for another day. I don't want to see the pity look. I've seen enough of it.

I look at the wall. Nathan moves closer to me. Ryan closed the door when he walked out. Nathan puts his hand on my waist.

“Evanlyn, talk to me. Please. I love you.”

I get under the covers and look blankly at the wall. Nathan gives up trying to get me to talk and lets me sleep. I don’t feel him wake up. I don’t feel anything. I don’t do anything. I don’t get out of bed. I don’t eat. I don’t live.

I try and force out all the bad memories of my dad. I don’t want to think about him, but he’s all I can think of. All the times he hit me.

He never touched Ely. Voices in my head tell me. Because he was always better than you. Your dad loved him more than you. He was the only son. He never touched Gwen either. His perfect daughter. You were always in their shadows. He never wanted you. You’re a mistake. He only pitied you. Everyone pitied you. They never wanted a third child, you disgrace. They hissed.

After a week Nathan gives up again on trying to talk to me. Today is our two year anniversary. I finally get out of bed when Nathan does at ten.

I get dressed and grab my car keys.

“Where are you going?” Nathan asks standing up from the couch.

“No where,” I say opening the door.

He grabs my wrist before I walk out of the door. His grip is so strong it hurts. Just like your dad’s grip when he didn’t want you to run away. The voices whisper.

“Where are you going?” 

I yank my wrist away and rub my arm glaring at him.

“No where.”

“Fuck… Evanlyn. I don’t want you to go and kill yourself or something stupid like that, okay? So tell me where you’re going.”

“My parents house. Ely texted me to do that since he’s gone for another month at his interview across the country.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, but thanks.”

He goes to kiss me on the lips, but I turn so he kisses my cheek. He ignores it.

“I love you,” he says squeezing my hand.

“Yeah. Love you.”

I close the door behind me. I walk down the stairs and into my car. I drive to my parents house and stop the car in the driveway. I take a breath.

This is where is all happened. Where your life fell apart in shambles. No one loved you. They just ignored you. They never understood. I ignore the voices.

I’m just going to go in there and look for anything he left behind for us. Then leave. I don't want to be in there any longer than I have to.

I walk up to the door and unlock it. I walk in and I’m immediately greeted by my old cat, Lolly. I pet her and walk into my parents bedroom.

Remember the bed when your mom was out working? No one could hear you struggle. No one knew why you were so distant, but he knew.

I see a letter on my dad’s nightstand. I pick it up with shaky hands.

Dear Evanlyn and Elyjah,

I am currently laying in a depressing ass hospital bed, with cancer. I was just told I’m going to die, so I want to go. They are going to give me meds to put me in a coma and then I’ll go that way.

I know all the things I did was not right, but I didn’t know what to do. I lost your mother and sister and I had to cope. 

Ely, I hope you will only get stronger and smarter. You were my only son, if I lost you… I don’t know what I’d do. I’m sorry I have to leave you. You were the greatest son that anyone could ask for. I’m sorry I was the cause of Gwen and your mother passing, that’s why you left.

Evanlyn, I am sorry for what I did to you. I was just drunk. I have no idea how I did that. I just wanted to forget you existed. I never meant for you to come into this world. I understand why you both left, but shit, you left me when you could’ve helped me.

There was another whole page, but I stopped there.

“What the fuck? You wanted us to help you? How could we do that when you were too busy beating or raping me? You mean you wanted to cope with killing Mom and Gwen, you fucking drunk? I hope you’re burning in hell as I speak to you. I fucking hate everything about you and I will never accept your apology. Ever. You only wrote this stupid fucking letter because you were sober for more than five minutes and had time to realize what you did to me. You never fucking touched Ely or Gwen. I was just a mistake you wished never happened. If you were still alive you would never get better. Never stop drinking. Never be sober. Never apologize.”

I crumble the letter and throw it at the wall. I punch the wall over and over until blood runs down my hands and the wall.

I walk out of the room and pick up Lolly. Kate loved Lolly. I calm down a little at the though of Kate. I put Lolly in my car and drive to Kate’s. I park in her driveway and Lolly jumps onto my lap. I carry her to the door. I knock and Jane opens it.

“Hey, Evan,” Jane says smiling.

“Is Kate home?” I ask.

“Yeah, she’s in her room.”

Jane walks back down the stairs. I walk in and shut the door. I walk over to Kate’s room. I open the door and walk in.

“Hey Evan,” she says sitting up on her bed. Her hands are in her lap, playing with something. I set Lolly down. I shove my hands in my pocket, so she doesn’t see my bloody knuckles.

“How are you, Kate?” I ask.

“I’m okay.”

I sit next to her on the bed. Her hands are fiddling with my ring I had on the first time I met her. I gave it to her, so when I left she could still think of me. Does she always wear it?

“I stopped by my parents house, I read a note from my dad. Then I saw Lolly and I knew you loved her, so maybe she could live here with you?”

“Awe, really? I love Lolly,” she says petting Lolly. “What did the note say?”

“Just trying to apologize and how when Ely and I left we could’ve helped him instead of leaving. He’s such a joke.”

She knows everything that has happened to me.

She stays silent and I look around her room. I see the poster from the first concert we went to together. I laugh.

“Do you remember how I got you that poster?” I say smiling.

She laughs and puts the ring on her finger.

“Yeah, you climbed a porta potty, then fought a crazed fangirl over it. I remember you punched her right in the nose, but she still didn’t back down.”

“I forgot I punched her in the nose.”

We laugh. She looks over at me with a smiling face.

“Remember the first time you drove? Jane was teaching you and I was in the back seat, almost dying from a heart attack?” she says laughing.

“How was I supposed to know that mailboxes don't move out of the way?”

She laughs and playfully punches my shoulder.

“We have so many good memories,” she says.

“Yeah.”

Before Kate, all I had was Nick. They are the people I trust the most, they know everything about me.

I stay and eat lunch with Kate, then head home.

I pull in the driveway and go into my room.

“Hey, it go okay?” Nathan asks.

I put my keys on the table and walk into the kitchen. Nathan follows me. He grabs my hands and looks at my knuckles.

“What happened?”

“That excuse for a father wrote a letter on his deathbed trying to apologize. Only because he was sober for once,” I say clenching my fists in Nathan's hands.

“Calm down. He was just trying to let you guys see that he was still in there.”

I push Nathan off of me. I glare at him.

“No. Nathan you don’t get it. He cannot write a fucking letter trying to say sorry. Sorry won’t unrape me. Sorry won’t unkill my mom and Gwen. Sorry won’t do shit.”

I walk past Nathan. I head into the bathroom and take off my clothes. I turn on the shower. I get in and cry. I sit and let the water run down my back. I stay like this for what feels like forever. Alone with my thoughts.

“Are you okay?” Nathan asks from the door.

“Yeah. Just a few seconds,” I say standing up.

“Okay,” he says shutting the door.

I get out and dry off. I wrap the towel around me. I walk into our room to get clothes. I put on a shirt and boxers. Nathan walks in, he puts his hands on my waist, but doesn’t kiss my head.

I climb into bed, under the covers. Nathan does the same. He finds my hand and holds it. I close my eyes. Nathan nudges me.

“Hey. You know you have to go to school tomorrow, right?” he says.

I nod.

Nathan wakes me up the next morning. I get dressed and Nathan drives me to school. I don’t get coffee. Nathan walks me to my locker and I walk him to the door. I watch him drive away. Nick walks up to me.

“Hey, Ev,” he says leaning on the wall.

“Hey,” I say.

“I want to say sorry, but I know you can’t do shit with sorry. Just know that I am and always will be. I had no idea that they would do that to you, or anyone.”

“It’s not the first time that happened.”

“I know…”

I walk with Nick to class. I ignore everything and everyone. I zone out. I finally come back during study hall when Nick talks to me.

“Evan, you’re doing it again,” he says giving me his drink.

“Sorry.” I take a sip. “Thanks. I don’t even realize I’m doing it.”

“Yeah, well you gotta stop. What are your grades right now?”

I open the school app. I look at my grades.

“Three C’s. Two D’s and two F’s.”

“Fuck Evan. You gotta do something. You’re a junior with shitty ass grades and you’re not doing anything and there is a week left of school.”

“I’ll be fine as long as I finish my homework.”

“Exams?”

“I don’t have to take any since I missed so much school because of rape, death in the family, and mental health.”

“Lucky.”

“I guess, but Nathan is making up our missed anniversary. Since I kinda completely zoned out for a week.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

I zone out the rest of the day. Nathan picks me up and I zone back in reality.

“Hey, how’d it go?”

“I don’t know,” I say putting on my seat belt.

“Evanlyn you gotta stop zoning out.”

I hear my seat belt click. I look through the windshield at the people heading to their cars. I turn my head to look at Nathan.

“You know I can’t really control whether or not I zone out. I don’t like to, but it’s like my mind takes over and I go blank. I can’t fucking control my head Nathan you know that.”

“Yeah, but you gotta somehow stop.”

“How the fuck can I do that?”

He doesn’t look back at me. I watch his face as he starts the truck. He doesn’t even glance at me the whole ride.

I don’t zone out the rest of the week, but I ignore it. I don’t want to be there the last week, I just want to sleep.

On the last day of school in English Tash walks up to me. Up until this point she’s been avoiding me. Not looking at me. Not talking to me. Spreading rumors.

“Hey, Evan,” she says walking up to my desk.

“Hey,” I say rolling my eyes. I keep my eyes down.

“I know what happened to you. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I didn’t know Zac would do that. Evan, I was just pissed with everything, not just you. I was--”

I stop her from talking anymore, before I choke her.

“First off I don’t give a shit what you were pissed about. You knew that Zac would do some shit like that. Second sorry will not unrape me, okay? So take your fucking sorry and walk on. I don’t need your bullshit.”

She looks hurt, but walks to her seat. I zone out the rest of the day and wake up when I walk into my apartment with Nathan.

“Tomorrow you’re going to see a therapist,” he says the second he closes the door. I look at him and take in what he just said.

“The fuck?” I ask confused.

“You need to talk to someone. Since you don’t wanna talk to me. You’re gonna talk to a therapist.”

This time I choose to zone out. It’s just like I’m not alive, but I’m moving. I don’t think, don’t talk, I don’t control anything. It’s like someone else is controlling my body.