z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

chapter 6 All out

by Holiday30


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Disclaimer: This story i a rough draft, and I did not read over it at all for proof reading. I know there are many mistakes and kinks because I think faster than I can type, so please by all means keep grammatical reviews to a minimum. I know it will be hard to read I do apologize for it but I just want to hear reviews about the characters, the action, and the overall story of it self. Fair warning though, this chapter is 18 pages long. So sorry for the long read, I really did try to keep it short, but it was just too much action happening in this chapter. Once again sorry. and thaks for the review.

“Shit Viss’s energy is dropping faster than a bag rocks in a lake. If I don’t hurry up fast he could die. Not only that but I can barely since Igtytous energy and masters Vangoe, Azulo, Bez, and Sun energy has completely faded. I am not really worried about them though. They are probably masking their energy levels. But still…” Explosior thought. He walked through his mind.

“Yo, I know you are here.” Explosior said.

That’s when and a giant skull creature came into the light.

“I need more power.”

“More power?! Ha! You know what will happen to you if too much of my power seep out.”

“Don’t worry I got it under control.”

The skull creature laughed maniacally. “Oh but Explosior I pray that you don’t keep it under control.” That’s when Explosior closed his eyes.

“What he has his eyes closed?” One clone asked.

“He is an idiot!” another clone protested.

“Let’s kill him now!’ Another clone said.

A few clones charged at Explosior who then open his eyes. When he did, his power irrupted so fiercely that it killed all the charging clones. Explosior looked around before reclosing his eyes.

“Damn it, there is still a lot of clones out there. But I can sense the caster losing magic rapidly. He won’t be able to keep this up for long, and if that is the case….” Explosior did a few hand signs before biting his thumb. He then touched the ground and said, “Now explode onto the scene Cerberus.”

The ground rumbled before a huge explosion happened. Dirt, grass and rocks flew up in frenzy. That’s when a creature walked out of the creator. It was a dog who stood about 2 foot 7, length was about 5 feet and 2 inches, and its weight was about 190 pounds. His fur was black and he had two strips. One ran down his back to his tail, and the other one ran from his stomach to the under part of his tail. His stripes were green. His ears was pointy and his eyes where forest green.

Explosior walk over to the dog and spoke. “Nice to see you again Cerberus.” Explosior extended his hand. The dog known as Cerberus growled and then bit Explosior.

“Ouch you mangy mutt! That hurt!" Explosior exploded.

“Good, you deserved it.” Cerberus answered back.

“What you mean I deserved it!” Explosior exploded.

“I told you not to summoned me until you could do it with your own power.” Cerberus snapped.

“I did summon you here with my own power though.” Explosior lied as he looked up at the sky. Cerberus then went to bite him again but Explosior quickly jumped back out of his reach.

“Do you think I am some kind of idiot. I can sense that energy aint yours. You are getting power from that skull freak again aren’t you?”

“Don’t worry Cerberus I got it under control.”

“Under control? You must don’t remember the last time you so called had it under control.”

“This time is different.”

“No it’s not because you are still the same immature brat that…” Cerberus completely stopped talking and looked towards the direction Viss was in.

“Yeah, He’s in trouble, and further more I am not for sure if Igtytous, the reaper core, and Reloads alright.”

Cerberus closed his eyes and sniffed the air a few times. “Yes.” He mumbled before his eyes re-opened. I could sense everybody’s energy and they all seem to be fine, but Reload’s energy seems agitated.”

“Um, well maybe that’s my fault...” Explosior chuckled as he lifted his arm up.

That’s when Cerberus seen the needle in his side. “Oh you got to be kidding me.” Cerberus barked.

“What, it was an accident.” Explosior explained.

“You can kill her, you know that, right? Now I know she has to be in agonizing pain.”

“I know Cerberus.”

“Yeah, well you know she’s just a sitting duck right now as well?”

“Yes Cerberus, I do. That’s why we need to wrap things up here quickly.”

“Tsk easy for you to say. You have a bundle of energy store with in you.” Cerberus closed his eyes and sniffed the air a few times. “Okay so, we are surrounded. Usually that is bad thing but for me this might work in my advantage. All I have to do is use exploding fur and it is over.”

Cerberus spread his legs apart, “Demonic pet art, and exploding f-”

“Cerberus wait.” Explosior said as he raised his hands in a stop motion.

“What child?”

“Don’t use exploding fur.”

“Why, we are surrounded by multiple power levels that are foreign to me.”

“I know, but there are two reasons why I am asking you not to do it. One is because two of the energy is on our side.”

“How do you know?”

“Well can you sense Igtytous energy?” Cerberus closed his eyes and sniffed the air.

“Faint, but yes I can sense Igtytous energy.” Cerberus thought he then nodded to Explosior.

“Okay can you sense anymore energy over that way?” Cerberus sniffed the air once more.

“Yeah, I sense 6 more energies over there. 5 of them are foreign to me but 1 of them, that’s pharaoh if I am not mistaken.

“Right, but there is an energy that is right beside Igtytous’s right?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t it feel like two of the energies here.”

Cerberus sniffed the air before answering. “Yeah, okay but what’s the other reasoning?”

“Exploding fur will only aide the enemy.”

“How?”

“One of the enemies is using a cloning move.”

“Yeah, Explosior, I kind of figure that.”

“Yeah, well did you figure that he is using a cloning move that after you kill a clone two more appear and takes it spot?”

Cerberus looked down and thought for a moment. “Cloning move huh? Well then I wonder if that move would have the same effect in this situation as it did when I was training with Butler. I guess there is only one way to find out huh?” Cerberus power level sky rocket.

“Whoa, what the hell!” Explosior expressed as he felt Cerberus’s power level.

Now listen to me Explosior this move I am about to use, I have no idea whether it will have the same effect or not when I trained with Butler, but if it does then you will have 1 to three minutes to find the real one. My bark will act as guide to you. Because I am hoping that my bark will only attack the original.”

Explosior just looked at Cerberus with a confused look.

“Don’t worry kid I am sure you will figure it out. Well here goes nothing.” Cerberus said as he began to suck in a bunch of air at once, as he cocked his head back. “Demonic pet arte, super bark.” He barked loudly. It shook all the trees out there with tremendous force but nothing else happened.

“So that was it? This dog ultimate attack was just a bark. I guess he is just as worthless as his master. Let’s kill them both now!” Canos exclaimed. But His brother did not respond.

“Kronos? What’s wrong?”

“It seems like Kronos was effected by that bark after all.” Explosior said as he lunged from the trees. He stretched his hand out as he tried to touch Kronos, but Canos quickly grabbed his brother and moved both of them away from the dangerous hands of Explosior. Explosior hand landed on the branch which was once the branch that Canos and Kronos was on.

“Ha!” You thought I forgot about your move? I know it’s only effective if you can touch us.” Canos laughed.

That’s when Explosior stood straight up and shook his head. “And I thought you would know a real artist when you see one.”

“What does that mean?” Canos asked.

“Oh nothing but let me ask you, do you know what I am?”

“You are a demon.”

“Errnt incorrect answer. I am an artist, and everyone knows that a true artist has more than one form of art they can produce. So now let me ask you, do you really think organ explosion is my only move.”

Canos froze with deep terror written on his face as a huge grin grew over Explosior face. Five different trees lit up bright green as lines ran from each green tree to another by running through the middle tree that both Canos and Kronos where standing on.

“This is my newest piece and I like to call it exploding star. It’s a little flashier and the only person to ever live and see this move…well he hates it. Not so much because it’s flashy but because it’s flashy and dangerous, but what the hell does he know right. All he can do is throw red fireballs like that will ever captivate an audience.” Explosior smiled once more. “Like a great artist with blonde hair, black jacket with red clouds once said ‘True art is something that happens in a flash, it is something that you can never copy again no matter how close you get to the way you did it the time before, true art…’” Explosior said as he fell from the tree he was standing on. That’s when the tree that Canos and Kronos where standing in began to shake violently and turned bright green.

“Nooo!” Canos Screamed.

“True art, is an explosion!” Explosior said as a huge explosion happened.

Bain looked in the direction of the explosion.

“You’d be wise not to take your eyes off me.” Igtytous said as he ran up the arm of Alcander. Alcander lifted up his other arm high in the air. Igtytous threw his blade west-north as he continued up Alcander’s arm. Alcander then slapped down on his arm which Igtytous ran up. Alcander slapped down so hard that he broke his other arm off.

Igtytous jumped up and floated in the air for a moment. “Demonic arte, fire phoenix attack!” He commanded as the red flames took on the form of a Phoenix. Bain took his blade swung it once as a loud screech shot across the air. The flames where extinguished but Igtytious was nowhere to be found.

“BAIN! UP HERE!” Igtytious yelled. Bain looked and seen Igtytious arm cocked back heavily. Igtytious swung with tremendous force. Bain just raised his blade and blocked Igtytious attack. A loud screech shot through the air as all the windows in the down town area. Everyone except Bain's ear in that area began to bleed uncontrollably.

“Magma assault!” Igtytous blade became bright red, before a large amount of fire shot out from it. Bain was force to the ground by the flames before magma came down from the blade. It poured in fast as it landed over Bain’s body.

Igtytous flirted down beside Leo. As the giant stone creature disappeared.

“Whoa, h-he di-did it… he defeated BAIN!” Leo roared. “WE won, you hear me, god we finally change the tied in this war.”

“What he really beat Bain?! He did what not even Sir Michel nor Master Gabriel could accomplish? Is this demon really that powerful?” Percy thought in horror as he gazed upon the demon known as Igtytous.

As Leo continuously roared to the heaven Igtytous did not take his eyes off the spot where Bain body laid, for in his gut he did not believe it was over just yet.

Back over where the Reaper core was…

“What the hell was that huge explosion? And why can’t I feel the twins’ energy level?” Are they? No they are too strong to be dead.” The Prince Titian that’s when a huge ice sword stabbed through his back to his front. His body instantly became snow and it reformed itself into the prince only few seconds afterwards.

He looked at the giant Ice warrior that stabbed him.

“What the…” That’s when the snow began to take shape of a being.

Once it took shape it looked like, a tall woman with long purple hair and purple lipstick. She was about 6’5 and had a sword the length of her body.

Prince Titian just looked at her.

“Do you know who I am?” The Tall woman asked.

“Personally, no I don’t. But from sensing you power and seeing your mastery over snow and Ice…to also go along with the story I have heard from Titians over the years… I would say you are the Zodiacal angel who wasn’t just infused with titian magic but also with a piece of a Titians mask.” Prince Titian said as he pointed to the top of his mask. It was chipped at the top and was missing a piece.

The tall woman smiled. “Well than I don’t need an introduction then do I?”

“No Ms. Aquarius, you don’t.”

That’s when the power energy raised beyond comprehension in that place.

Over where the rest of the reapers where Queen Titan stopped her assault as she began to grunt.

“You are here!” She growled as her eyes rested on the ice clone of Aquarius. Aquarius clone was the same as the one that was with Prince Titan. She had an ice soldier with her.

“Queen, it’s been a while. And you left Nirvana before we got to see each other. I thought we were friends…” Aquarius teased.

She then looked over to the reaper core and then Artza. Before laughing, “So those guys too. Well then I wonder what’s taking them so long.”

“What are you jabbering about?” Queen titan asked.

“Oh nothing Queen. Shall we proceed?”

“Yes, and I am going to enjoy carving your pretty face up. I have avenged my husband’s death, and I can’t think of any better way than to kill one of the four zodiac fuckers who killed him.” Queen Titian charged at The Aquarius clone and ice soldier. As another huge explosion of energy exploded.

************************************************************************

Satan Jr looked up abruptly and then looked at Omanga.

“Yes Master, Both queen and the Prince Titan energy just disappeared. And it wasn’t the same like when we felt the twins’ power disappear. Their power disappeared over time but the Prince and the Queen’s power just all of a sudden disappeared.” Omanga explained.

Viss broke out into a weak chuckle. “Come on you two are being dumb as heaven. Look we all feel Explosior power becoming unstable. There is no question if the skull creature will appear soon. That’s just one problem. Second problem is the zodiac core is here. Which is a headache for everyone. Arrogant bastards think they’re the best at everything. I can stand those guys. Next I know you felt her power drop significantly after fighting Igtytous for a while. She still alive but just barely. You lost older brother just except it.”

Omanga and Satan Jr. Looked at each other before laughing. “Look it’s true I don’t want to be here when Explosior skull face friend appear, but as far as Igtytous goes…he’s powerful. Even stronger than the last time I saw him but if you think Bain is done then you are mistaken.”

“Bain? Who is Bain?” Viss thought to himself.

“Okay Jugo let’s wrap this up. It is starting to scare me that I cannot sense Master Vangoe’s or the rest of the reaper core energy…

“As you command my lord. Shevia!” Jugo command. The Byzantine snake with brilliant Lavender spots all over her body popped her teeth out of Viss one more time. “It’s time to end this.” Jugo said in a mild tone. “Of course Jugo.” Shevia as she lifted her head high. “Well it’s been fun.” Right when Shevia was about to strike a bright light shot through and smacked her head. Her grip loosened on Viss and Viss fell to his knees. He felt someone trying to help him up.

“Dang Mister. You sure are heavy.” The Blonde Hair kid said.

“You’re the Zodiac kid. But if you are here then where is Hercules?”

“You really should be worrying about yourself, mister you need all the angels, a miracle from Jesus, a lil Wayne cd, and then a blessing from god himself.” I can’t believe I put all of my faith into a demon. I hate you for making me believe that you could actually win.”

Viss just smiled. “Yeah I guess I deserve that punch to my ego.”

Jugo tried to attack the two of them when the blonde hair kid said, “Zodiacal arte: partial twin cannon.” The blonde head kid made his hand look like a gun as he began to fire off multiple blue lights from his hand. They all hit Jugo in a barrage.

The kid then took off at high speed. “We need to get away from here now. Grace are you here yet?” That’s when Jugo appeared in front of the Blonde hair kid and Viss.

“Damn it.” The Blonde hair kid thought as Jugo smacked him. He and Viss went sliding across the ground. Viss battle up and charged at Jugo who just grabbed by his throat and picked him up off the ground.

“You die here.” Jugo said as he cocked his other hand back. That’s when a little girl with blonde hair and pink eyes was in the air behind Jugo.

“Do it Grace! Kick his ass!” The blonde boy yelled.

Jugo cut his eyes back to see the little girl who twirled in the air. He quickly put his arm up to block the attack, but her kick was so powerful that is till sent him flying. As Viss was falling to the ground grace caught him.

“Garret! Come on, we need to escape.” Grace yelled to the blonde boy. Garret took off towards his Grace and Viss.

“Oh no you don’t!” Satan Jr. said as he threw two black fire balls, but When Garret got to grace and grabbed her hand he and she both said in unison; “United Zodiac twin arte: Super force field. “The fire balls smacked into the force field but three of them were unhurt.

“I would say we should stay and kick that Satan Jr. candy ass, but there are too many factors here.” Garret proclaim.

“Yeah, like an unconscious Hercules.” Grace said.

“Or a useless demon prince.” Garret said as he poked Viss a few times. “I wonder if he’s dead.” Garret thought, that’s when Shevia shot out of the direction where Viss body was sent.

“I will gobble you all up!” Shevia hissed angrily.

“Then there’s that.” Garrett said as he shook his head.

“Yeah, I am scared of snakes Garrett so can we just go?”

“You aren’t going anywhere!” Shevia hissed as she went to attack but the twins just lock hands with each other. “Twin zodiac arte: Super teleportation.” The twins and Viss disappeared right in front of her.

“Where did they go? She asked as she looked around confused. Jugo reappeared.

“Oh the secret Arte, of those two twins……damn it I hate them.” Satan Jr. Scuffed.

“Should I go after them?”

Satan Jr. took a deep breathe. “No. We need to go. You are strong Jugo but I don’t even think you could beat the Skull creature who is about to appear.

“Where am I?” Prince Titian asked looking around. He was hovering above water being held up by chains. There were four giant birds on 4 giant pillars. One was blue, one was red, one was whit, and then one was black.

“Where are you are you is a good question? The black bird said as he opened his eyes. They were red with wit tree triangles intertwining with each other. In the center there was a pupil siting there.

“Those eyes?!” Prince Titian broke out into a cold sweat as he his eyes got larger.

“It looks like he done caught on Vangoe.” The Red bird spoke.

“It doesn’t matter Sun. He will die and then we will soon send his mother with him.” The blue bird answered. “Bez Darling any input?”

The white bird looked at the scared titian. “He’s finish, let’s kill him and move on.

Prince Titian was looking with fear trying to understand how this happened, when he was fighting the zodiac known as Aquarius. The bird came and fluttered over him pecking him to death he screamed in agony and pain.

“In Reality”

Vangoe Hand was just resting on the Prince’s ice thrown looking at him with his eyes.

“You are so cruel.” Aquarius said as she stepped beside Vangoe.

“What do you mean?” Vangoe asked but never taking his eyes off of the creaming Prince Titian.

“You are torturing that poor creature and like it and I bet so is those sick freaks that you have teamed up with.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot I trained you to be able to see and enter my visual arte. In any case though, I need you to be focusing on your own arte. So we can go ahead and end this little spout.”

Aquarius rolled her eyes. “If you don’t already know I have already have done did my part.” She huffed. “He didn’t even notice I cut my hair… and to think I got all cute for him and he didn’t even notice me.” Aquarius mumbled under her breathe.”

“What?” Vangoe asked never turning his head.

“NOTHING!” Aquarius exploded.

“Ugh whatever, Hey Butler.”

“Yes my lord.” Vangoe shadow answered.

“It’s time to finish this. Go to the location of the other reapers so we can end this and go home.”

That’s when Vangoe Shadow stood straight up. It snapped it fingers and a full suit came over the shadow figure body. Two horns few out the sides of it head and when it opened its eyes it had the same eyes as Vangoe’s.

It then walked a few feet to the east of Vangoe and said. “Demonic pet arte: the door which will take me to the place I want to go.” It snapped its fingers one more time and a door appeared in front of it.

It open the door, but before it walked through, it said something to Aquarius.

“Cut your hair Ms. Aquarius. It makes you look more mature. And it complements your eyes.”

Aquarius blushed at the complement. “Do you really think so Butler?”

“Oh yes, don’t you think so master?” Butler asked.

“Vangoe didn’t completely take his gaze off of Prince but cut his eyes enough to see that Aquarius was standing there staring at him, awaiting his words.

With a deep breath, “Yeas you do look very beautiful and mature now Ms. Aquarius and I am sorry I didn’t tell you that when you first seen you.” He then reinverted his attention on Prince.

”Oh my god. He did notice. He notice me. How long has it been since the last time?” Aquarius began to have flashbacks of Vangoe, when he was an angel and they dated. She smiled as tears ran down her face.

”Do you love me?” Aquarius asked Vangoe.”

“More than words can say.” Vangoe answered.

“Oh yeah, well put it into context for me?”

“Huh?”

“Give me a description like, Vangoe; I love you more than I love the ocean. See I just proved my love to you because you know how much I love the ocean.”

“Oh I see, well then I love you more than…”

“Well?”

“Um, I love you more than God!” Vangoe burst out.

Aquarius covered her mouth as she had such a shock look on her face.

End of flashback

“I wonder now Vangoe. DO you still love me? Do you still love me more than god?”

“Ehmmm, Butler, you should get going don’t you think.” Vangoe cleared his throat.

“Of course master, I will be back as soon as possible.” Butler said as he walked to the door. He opened it up and walked through it and then the door shut and disappeared.

Vangoe then closed his eyes now it is her turn.

Queen Titian eyes open as she was hovering above water being held up by chains. There were four giant birds on four giant pillars. One was blue, one was red, one was white, and then one was black.

“This is…”

“Ah, so you woke now. That’s good now we can begin.” The black bird said as it opened its eyes. It eyes where just like Vangoe’s.

“So is this the most feared renown moved that angels feared the most?”

“So you know this move?’ The blue bird asked.

“Well of course. I do work for Satan Jr. He has informed me about this technique where the four reapers drag you to a different dimension in your mind to torcher your soul.”

The big black swooped down in front her and cocked its head to the side. “So you know what is about to happen then?”

Queen Titian laughed out loud. “Of course, you will spend the next ten seconds trying to break my mental by putting me through extremely realistic illusionary pain. But like I said this move can only last for ten seconds.

“So you even know the seconds huh? Well I hate to tell this darling but ten seconds in reality is actually a day here, so let’s find out if you can handle a day’s worth of torcher… after all your son will soon break and you will follow.”

That’s when Queen Titian looked down and seen her son being pecked by the four birds.

“Prince, baby it’s just in your mind you have to fight it.” She tried to explain.

“No use. He can’t hear, talk, nor will he hear you scream.” The Big black bird opened up his wings as the other three birds joined him and began to peck at Queen Titan’s flesh. She screamed in agonizing pain.

Explosior jumped from the tree and rolled on the ground taking deep breathes. His body was full of scars and bruises but he wore a big smile on his face.

“That was fun”

Cerberus walked over and stood over top of Explosior's worn out body.

“You look like shit, and you smell like shit.” Cerberus barked.

“Yeah well your breath smells like shit.” Explosior fired back.

Cerberus took his paw and playfully put it over Explosior as both broke out into a laugh.

“You did it kid.” Cerberus commended.

“No we did it.” Explosior smiled.

The wind blew softly as Explosior sat up. “It’s safe now. You guys can come out now. A few seconds rolled by before Capricorn and Aries appeared before Explosior and Cerberus.

Explosior heart skipped a beat as he looked at the two Zodiac warriors.

“I think I am in love.” he said as he gazed a pond them. Aries blush but Capricorn had her nose turned up in the air.

“Yeah well you are by far the ugliest thing we ever seen. Aint that right Aries?”

“We-well h-he’s not that bad looking Capricorn.”

“What?! Aries you aren’t supposed to think demons are cute.”

“Aye, aint nothing wrong with liking a demon.” Cerberus barked.

“Yeah, besides we have a lot in common.” Explosior followed up.

“We are nothing alike.” Capricorn said with such disgust.

“I don’t know, those horns on top of yo head say something different. “

Capricorn quickly grabbed her horns and blushed, as Aries broke out into an innocent giggle.

“Th- the lord, the ultimate being, my king made me in this holy image and I refuse to have you taint his holiness image with your blasphemous comparison.”

“You do know it was actually Explosior father who made ya’ll and not god right?” Cerberus educated. Capricorn face turned super red with embarrassment. Capricorn, Aries, the Gemini twins, Libra, scorpion, and Cancer are the youngest so they never met Lucifer; for once they finally woke he was long kicked out of Heaven.

Ahhh, Aries stop laughing. But it’s funny Capricorn.” Aries giggled some more. Explosior joined her with laughter as he fell down.

“Hmm, hmm, hm. The gate, you left the gate open and now I will be free.” The Skull creature Laughed.

That’s when Explosior grabbed his chest in pain and screamed.

Cerberus, Aries, and Capricorn all turned and look at Explosior. A big black hand came out his mouth. And his Pupils began to shrink and get narrow.

“Shit, I knew this would happen.” Cerberus barked. “You two need to get out of here now!” Cerberus then ran over and bit Explosior in the neck.

“Explosior listen to me. To have to fight it. Don’t let him take over you hear me. You are stronger than last time. That’s when the hand that was coming out of Explosior’s mouth grabbed and slammed Cerberus.

“Quiet you mangy mutt. I am running the show now!” The Skull creature vaulted. Explosior body began to glow a powerful green as he yelled in pain and agony. Cerberus body began to glow two as the two began their transformation. 


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Fri Dec 29, 2017 9:17 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi there, continuing my stroll through the "oldest" tab in the green room...

Nit-picks:

He walked through his mind.

He did what sorry?

“Damn it, there is still a lot of clones out there. But I can sense the caster losing magic rapidly. He won’t be able to keep this up for long, and if that is the case….”

Who is he talking to here?

It was a dog who stood about 2 foot 7, length was about 5 feet and 2 inches, and its weight was about 190 pounds.

This is quite a bit too detailed.

Igtytous flirted down beside Leo.

"flirted"?

“Cut your hair Ms. Aquarius. It makes you look more mature. And it complements your eyes.”

Aquarius blushed at the complement. “Do you really think so Butler?”

That doesn't really seem like a compliment... Isn't he basically telling her she currently looks immature?

Overall:

The first thing noticeable about this is that it's extremely chaotic. There was sooo much going on, that far from it being too much to split up, I think it was too much for one chapter. Because you go from one thing to the next so quickly, it means it's difficult for me to get invested in one event properly. Take your time, build tension, and let this stuff span several chapters. Maybe not have all of it happen simultaneously either. For example, the Aquarius/Butler moment could easily take place in a down-moment, rather than get stuck in the middle of all this action, where it feels kind of out of place and quite rushed.

Secondly, you have a lot of characters. I like stories with a lot of characters, but by that I mean like five or six. You have way more than that. And the issue is that it means I'm not able to know any character particularly well. It's fine to have side characters, too, but then all of a sudden Explosior isn't there and I seem to be meant to be treating all these other characters with the kind of interest as Explosior, who seems to be your main character. The bit with Explosior at the start was actually quite interesting. Honestly I'd have ended the chapter after that scene and slow the rest of this stuff down for future chapters.

The other issue is your flow. It might just be the grammatical stuff, but I think your sentences jump kind of haphazardly from one moment to the next even without that. It's how you jump from action to action, without much setting or characters' feelings. I think if you include a bit more than just the things that happened this will flow much better.

That being said, you seem to have an interesting setup for a story, and I hope the rest of this goes well for you.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Holiday30 says...


Hey thanks for the review...lol I am sorry to put you threw a rough patch of reading. I know I have a habit of jumping from character to character. But to answer you, Explosior is a sub main character. All of the children of Satan are the main characters equally. And they are all fighting at the same time. The reason why is cause the enemies split up so they all had to slip up. But thank you again. Your review will defiantly help going forward.



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Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:55 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hey there Holiday!

Ellie here to give you a review. I wanted to mention that I noticed this was posted almost a month ago and I'm the first person to review it. I write a lot myself, and have posted lots of it on here! I'm always eager to hear what people think, and I don't want to have to wait a month to hear any feedback! But there's a few things I noticed here that might be scaring people away, and I wanted to make a few suggestions about things you can do to get more people to read your work, and more quickly!

18 pages is a lot. I try to review as much as I can, but sometimes it can be hard to find the time, especially to sit down and commit to a longer work like this. What a lot of people do is break up longer chapters like this, into two, three, four, however many parts. I would definitely recommend it!

In regards to your note about not proofreading, here's my advice. This was a bit difficult to get through because of all of the spelling and grammatical errors. It distracted from the story. If I was a reader at an agency, I wouldn't even read to the end. Because not proofreading shows that you don't care enough about what you're writing to make it the best you can be. Not that I think you don't care, but another random person reading this might not, so it's just a good habit to get into. I'm not sure if you've checked out The Knowledge Base at all, but the Grammar and Research section of it is filled with tons of good articles about different topics if you need help.

The story, from what I gathered, is good. It's a little bit unclear - I'm assuming Satan Jr is Satan's child. That's a really interesting premise that definitely has something to it! A lot of what you're doing tonally is really interesting too. Story-wise, it's a solid chapter, and think it works in regards to what you're going for. But the grammar and spelling errors were really distracting. I would happy to take a look at this more once it's polished.

Best of luck! Feel free to let me know if you have any questions.




Holiday30 says...


Thank you for the review....i plan on doing all gramatical checks once i finish the book. I know its not fair tp ask people to over look my gramatical errors since i have so many, but i just want people to see the story, afterall i did say this was only the rough draft. But i will fo my best to write with less errors in the future. I just gotta slow my thinking or speed up my typing, which ever come first.....%uD83D%uDE02%uD83D%uDE02%uD83D%uDE02%uD83D%uDE02 lol but thank you for the review




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