Post-perpetual

January 3, 2016
Novel / Chapter: General, Action / Adventure
10 comments (9 reviews)

- Ning -

Someone told me that there were two types of silences in this world. The type of silence that could be chased away laughter and chatter and the safe cocoon of a loved one. The latter was a passive silence cold as the bottom layer of snow, unwilling to move, unable to move whilst the world moves on.

It was the latter that settled on my bones and weight it down with an aching loneliness that sloshed back and forth between the canals of my heart without signs of receding. The fireworks outside casted fleeting strands of light in my apartment, outside the cacophony of voices joined the explosion as they welcomed the new year. I looked at the door, hoping by some miracle it’d open and mum would come in. But no, miracles don’t happen to us. I’ve learnt that a long time ago, even so it wasn’t meant to be like this.

I didn’t miss the food our nanny would cook, nor did I miss the fact that our house was situated so that we could see the fireworks in clear view. I missed mum’s warm hand that held mine, and mei mei’s excited voice at the blossoms of colour blooming against the night sky. I missed the warmth in their eyes, and the strange bubble of excitement in my heart when we clinked our glass as midnight arrived.

Even after mei mei was admitted into hospital, we always celebrated it with her and

all the nurses and doctors would greet us with a smile that was torn between pity and happiness. Until this year, when she was admitted into hospital too.

The doctor’s insistent ‘go home and rest, Miss Ning’ left me no choice, and so I had sat on the sofa. Ate last night’s leftovers and steamed a year cake, if they couldn’t continue it at least I would. And I knew company wouldn’t be far away, all I had to do was fall asleep and tonight’s dream came just as the neon digital clock edged towards 1am.

Something is wrong.

Mei mei is waiting. In all our dreams, I was the one who waited. Maybe she decided to come early for once? The street was one I reconigzed, paved with uneven cobblestones and patches of dirt it was the street where we spent the majority of our childhood. Mei mei is sitting beneath the giant katsura tree, in this dream the tree bare the ribbons we tied on every new year. Her long hair for once was tied up in a ponytail, her expression solemn as she patted the bench she was sitting on.

“Hey.” I smiled as I sat down beside her, “I missed you.”

“It’s only been one night, jie jie.” She nudged my sides playfully, “I didn’t know you couldn’t survive 24 hours without me.”

“It’s new year, everyone is sentimental around new year.” I protested, “do you have something special for me? Is that why you were waiting?”

She turned her eyes away from me and looked out to the river, I followed her gaze. There was a fine veil of mist hovering above the running water like a curtain, blocking the countryside on the otherside. It was nothing unusual, in the times we’ve met here the mist was a constant. I thought nothing strange of it.

“What’s the matter mei mei?” I touched her shoulder lightly, I knew that look. It was the same look when she accidentally broke grandma’s favourite vase and didn’t know where to hide the pieces. The breeze had stopped, and I could hear the beat of my heart like stormy waves in my ears.

She bit her lip nervously and picked at invisible threads from her trousers. She opened her mouth then closed it again and shook her head slowly. “Nothing.”

“I promise I won’t get angry or sad.” I said, convincing myself more than her.

“You won’t understand, jie jie. Even I don’t understand.”

“Then try, please. Mei mei.”

She gave me a look that said ‘we’ll both regret this’ then stood up and plucked a leaf from the katsura tree and turned it slowly in her palms. “We won’t be able to see each other anymore. Not here.”

“Why is that?” I asked, my breath hitched in my throat. Is she serious? Mei mei has never mentioned that these visits would end but she never gave an explanation as to why they started either. But I don’t want her to go, even though if it’s just a dream. Even if she is nothing more than a figment of my mind.

She is solid enough that I can hug her.

She is real enough that we can talk about our troubles.

Why did she have to go now?

“Jie jie, you’re hurting me.” She lay a hand over my fingers, which had grasped her wrist tightly. “It’s ok, we’ll see each other again just not here.”

My instincts told me no, this was the part where everything goes wrong, the part where all the strings that held the world together starts to fray and we’ll be left with a mess with no head and no end.

“Why are you going now?” I asked, wrapping my arms around her. Wondering if I could anchor her down with my will alone.

“Don’t worry, jie jie.” Traces of guilt laced her tone, “I can tell you a bit about where I’m going. But not too much.” She added.

I said nothing and closed my eyes.

“It’s dangerous.” She said again. Moving closer to me and leaned her head in the crook of my neck and wrapped her arms around me. The gesture always bought a smile to my face, it always did.

“Sly little rat.” I ruffler her hair and pulled her tight against me, “You don’t have to tell me, but just promise me you’ll stay safe. We’ll see each other again, right?”

Mei mei shifted her face and planted a small kiss on my cheek, sending small tremors of warmth down my heart. “We will because I’ll open the door for you.”

“Wait, door? What door?”

“Someone’s knocking.” Mei mei hugged me one more time and the dream dissolved around me. After a few seconds of dissonance as my mind sorted out the reality and the dream, I heard the three steady knocks on my door.

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Sun Feb 07, 2016 8:53 am

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Arcticus wrote a review...

Hey there. I felt like reviewing a chapter today. Let's start, shall we?

This is an interesting first chapter: a blurry picture of the narrator's world that zooms in on the feels without describing where the narrator is and how he/she ended up there. On top of that there's an inconclusive dream which successfully manages to add the element of suspense at the end of it, and pulls the reader to the next page.

I didn’t miss the food our nanny would cook, nor did I miss the fact that our house was situated so that we could see the fireworks in clear view. I missed mum’s warm hand that held mine, and mei mei’s excited voice at the blossoms of colour blooming against the night sky. I missed the warmth in their eyes, and the strange bubble of excitement in my heart when we clinked our glass as midnight arrived.

I like this description. I like how the behind-the-scenes stuff can be more memorable than the main event, and how the narrator misses the reflection of the fireworks in mum and mei mei more than the actual fireworks.

One thing though - shouldn't 'mum' be 'Mum'? I know, it's the writer's personal choice what to do with names, but I think capitalizing the first letter makes it easier for the reader to distinguish the names from the rest of the content. It makes them stand out. I would say the same for 'mei mei'.

The doctor’s insistent ‘go home and rest, Miss Ning’ left me no choice, and so I had sat on the sofa. Ate last night’s leftovers and steamed a year cake, if they couldn’t continue it at least I would. And I knew company wouldn’t be far away, all I had to do was fall asleep and tonight’s dream came just as the neon digital clock edged towards 1am.

Since you're using past perfect tense here, you should also rewrite 'left me no choice' as 'had left me no choice' and 'eaten' instead of 'ate'. Again, you're referring to the past, you can't use 'tonight' to refer to that night, use 'that night' instead.

Mei mei is waiting. In all our dreams, I was the one who waited. Maybe she decided to come early for once? The street was one I reconigzed, paved with uneven cobblestones and patches of dirt it was the street where we spent the majority of our childhood.

You're switching tenses here and that doesn't seem right to me. For instance, 'Mei mei is waiting' means you're talking in present tense about the dream, but then you use the past tense for most of the dream, switching back to present tense again at "Mei mei is sitting..." and then back to past tense. Use one tense, pls.

Mei mei is sitting beneath the giant katsura tree, in this dream the tree bare the ribbons we tied on every new year. Her long hair for once was tied up in a ponytail, her expression solemn as she patted the bench she was sitting on.
(...)
I followed her gaze. There was a fine veil of mist hovering above the running water like a curtain, blocking the countryside on the otherside.

I love the effortless scenery here. I love it! It's so simple but so charming and all in all it's a great location for a dream.

An irrelevant remark here: People sometimes use "ji ji" to refer to their elder sister in Kashmiri, so the use of 'jei jei' sounded so familiar to me, lol!

There are a couple of spelling mistakes and at some places you need to capitalize direct speech properly. But other than that, it's all good. I hope to read the next chapter too. Good luck with this!

Regards,
Au.

Apricity says...

Thanks for the review! And no remark is irrelevant, how do you pronounce Ji ji in Kashmiri? Hm, with the tense problem what I wanted to portray was that the dream isn't a past thing. It's happening right now, it's not just another dream but I feel like that doesn't make sense. >> mum should definitely by Mum so should Mei Mei, that was just me being I don't know, scattered brain. Anyways, thanks again for the review!

And yes, it'd be swell if you could read the next chapter too. It needs some ripping apart.

Apricity says...

Arcticus says...

"gee gee" with g as in gel and ee as in bee

If you want that "happening right now" feel in the dream then I would advise you to use present tense throughout it. Don't switch.

Apricity says...

I wanted to answer this but forgot, that's really interesting. I should look up where the word stemmed from since it seems to share the same root. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtmQpHOVZZA -> If you're interested, take a look at the link. It tells you how Jie Jie is pronounced. c:

Arcticus says...

Okay.. so, a quick google search says Ji%u011Bji%u011B is Chinese for "elder sister" and the pronunciation on Google Translate was "gee gee". That's interesting because this is either a coincidence or some distant linguistic connection. Hmm.

P.S : I love linguistics and there are clearly a lot of Farsi (Persian), Central Asian, Arabic and Old Sanskrit words in Kashmiri, but I never knew I would find something resembling a Chinese word in there

Apricity says...

^ I adore linguistics too (I'm actually taking it as a subject at school). I expected Chinese influence in perhaps Mongolian, Japanese and Korean which was why I'm surprised too. But afterall, Sanskrit is meant to be the Mother of all languages.

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Sun Feb 07, 2016 7:03 am

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Holysocks wrote a review...

HELLO! I know I was only supposedly supposed to READ this, but where's the fun in that? ~~This will probably mostly be a commentary, plus there's already lots of reviews so what I'm about to say has probably already been said before!~~

It was the latter that settled on my bones and weight it down with an aching loneliness that sloshed back and forth between the canals of my heart without signs of receding.

I don't normally like nitpicking, but I thought that this was something that might help in the future too. I noticed a few of your lines are long and a bit hard to follow- this could be mostly me because I tend to not follow things well ANYWAY, but I think it wouldn't hurt to lighten them up a bit. For instance, in this sentence, you could take out "without signs of receding" and it would still make sense, and would just be a bit more flow-y. Of course this is totally up to you I just thought I'd point it out. It's a super simple fix that I've started applying to my own writing as well because I tend to write reeeeeaalllyyyy looooooong sentences that people get bored of following! XP

It was the same look when she accidentally broke grandma’s favourite vase and didn’t know where to hide the pieces.

I really like this line because I can really connect with it. I remember that feeling when you break something of someone else's and your first thought is to hide it and pretend you didn't know anything about it, and then a tiny sliver of integrity whispered to you to fess up, and it was so freaking CONFLICTING. My point is this was a really strong emotional connection somehow, and I liked it.

The breeze had stopped, and I could hear the beat of my heart like stormy waves in my ears.

This was right after that last thing I quoted but I wanted to comment on them separately! I just really liked the simile you used here. c:

*COMMENCE POINTLESS RAMBLING*

“You won’t understand, jie jie. Even I don’t understand.”

This is another pointless comment that you're going to hate me for commenting on because why is she not commenting on the story? but I'll get to that! Believe it or not I just wanted to say something about your use of bolding to substitute italics. Personally I've always felt conflicted about this, like it's seriously been one of those nightmares for me the same way thinking about having to jump out my door on the second story of our old house in the instance of a fire was... in other words, I think about what I would use to replace italics if everything was in italics and my eye starts twitching. But for some reason bolding it bothers me, and I don't know why... like my brain kinda stops and wonders why you bolded it for emphasis and for a moment I was going to be like "but what about ITALICS? D: " but then I remembered the WHOLE thing was in italics. So I think it might be worth doing what some people do and simple have it as a reverse thing- the main text is in italics so the normally italic word could go as up-right text for emphasis. But then it's an "I" and those tend to have a hard time being recognized as italics in general.

*END POINTLESS RAMBLING*

“We will because I’ll open the door for you.”

So for most of this chapter I was thinking: So what's this story about? What's going to be happening? But then this sentence happened and I got really really excited and enlightened some how. I actually got the sense that I was going to get enlightened shortly before this sentence, but this confirmed it. So now I'm really excited to see what this is about!

“Someone’s knocking.”

I don't know what this is called when people do this- like a link something previous, but you do it beautifully here. I love it.

...I heard the three steady knocks on my door.

And more of this beautiful thing that I don't know the name of! It really is awesome; It sent shivers down my spine. I was thinking shoot, this should be a horror story. And I'm not just saying that, I really liked this.

Once again, sorry I didn't cover more story-wiseness, but I think I'll have a better feel for things next chapter. c: Keep writing this please.

-Socks

Apricity says...

Holi <3, thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it, and I have no idea what that thingy that made your spine shiver is called either. But I'm glad you it worked! You make a good point with the italics and bold thing, the italics was me trying to say it was a dream though I probably could have done it without the italics. Jie Jie and Mei Mei's relationship is a massive mess atm, even I don't know what's going on.

But thanks again for reading and reviewing this! C:

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Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:09 pm

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Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Hello Hiraeth, Pretzel here and you are my lucky first review for R.E.D. and #TeamTortoise . Hopefully we both can persevere in these honourable endeavors.

Anyways, let’s get started, shall we? (oh, and btw I’m trying to use a new format for my reviews, because I wanted to freshen up the tiredness of my older ones. Anyways, I’ll probably give you 7-8 points on your chapter.)

The type of silence that could be chased away laughter and chatter and the safe cocoon of a loved one

I kid you not when I’m telling you that it actually took me like 5 times reading this to actually differentiate between one and the other types of silence. The reason why is probably because you have two “and” which really mess with my brain. You may want to put a semicolon between them to separate it.

1.Characterization

I really have already felt like I connected to Mei Mei in the dream and how fondly Ning talks about her throughout the chapter. You can clearly see (by your showing) how much love Ning actually has for her sister. My interpretation of Mei Mei was some wiser older grandma ish sort of person, that’s the way that I perceived her in the dream. Probably because of the gentleness and seriousness of that whole situation honestly. If you want her to be more of a child/teenager, then you have to give her those types of qualities, whether that be her outlook on life or whatever, or the playfulness in her voice or the curiosity and questions that children possess. Even if Mei Mei is a young adult, there should still be things that characterize her differently from the grandma that’s painted in my imagination.

There was one spot where I noticed that it looked like you missed something:

I looked at the door, hoping by some miracle it’d open and mum would come in.

I wanted to see more of her mum. I’m assuming that this might happen later in the story, but it feels like while being lonely on New Year’s Eve, Ning is rethinking the value of her family. So right off the bat, I am willing and wanting to know more about where her mum is and what she’s doing not by her daughter’s side.

2. Continuity

So basically going off the first point a little bit, I think that you should establish early on that Mei Mei is Ning’s sister, because I was literally confused as to the identity of who it was, until I read your reply to Skins review, is when I got it. Establishing and clarifying the relationship between Ning and her family members who are absent is essential because then you can go on from there in that story.

I looked at the door, hoping by some miracle it’d open and mum would come in. But no, miracles don’t happen to us. I’ve learnt that a long time ago, even so it wasn’t meant to be like this.

Here is an example of excessive internalization. Because you are writing in the 1st POV, it really seems like the story drags on really really slowly with the scenes of Ning having monologues very frequently. I know that it’s hard to reign back a bit, but too much of anything isn’t good. Maybe you can just go and nitpick through every internalized thought, and keep the ones that are absolutely necessary to the plotline and will have meaning, and just throw the rest out. That will definitively improve your continuity.

3. Techniques

The doctor’s insistent ‘go home and rest, Miss Ning’ left me no choice, and so I had sat on the sofa.

I wanted to pull this line out, because it really stuck out to me like a sore thumb. It just seems like that part should perhaps be in quotation of some sort to make this seem more of a separate phrase/sentence.

4.Format of the Text:

So basically, no big deal but I would suggest that you label the POV of the character like you have done in the continuing chapters in bold, just to make the perspective shift a little bit understandable.
Also, you had a pretty long intro there, and I just wanted to let you know that it's ok if you don't feel the need to write it. Even the first chapter, you shouldn't need to have that long of an intro, the reason being that the reader could skip over that, and just go straight into where it get interested (in my opinion, the interesting part starts when she talks about Mei mei and her mum, that's where I actually did skip down to the second time.) Just a suggestion.

5.Dialogue

Hmm, there isn't that much dialogue in the scene of the chapter itself, all of it is hidden within the dream that she has at night. I personally really am a big fan of your dialogue here, like I do feel like it's sentimental and personal but you gave me a warm feeling while I was actually reading this.

“Why is that?”

Why did she have to go now?

I just noticed that you used ton of repetitious words like "why what why what" etc. which is understandable because the character is questioning mei mei and not understand what it about to happen. I think that's just skillful showing on your part for that.

6. Plot

So far, there doesn't seem to be a main or prevailing plot at all, because you're kind of vague about it. What does this main character want, what is she looking for and where is she striving to be? I guess I just don't really understand that much about what the plot is, so if you make it a little bit more clear, then I could be less confused. I know that you already told me that sometimes you feel like your very confused and don't know what you're doing, but you should honestly at least try to make the readers less confused by giving the novel a sense of direction (in the form of hints, pointers,etc.)

7.Pacing

I think that you're dream is perfectly fine and on-pace, but I just felt like mentioning a side note that will tie into other chapters (particularly III) because you said here that she went to sleep at 1 a.m. but then apparently Li came to knock at her door at about 2 a.m. This isn't really a big deal, but realistically dreams last only a couple of seconds or minutes, because they are very fleeting and as seen here they can be interrupted. I don't know why I wanted to mention that since it's just a trivial thing, I was just wondering why no one else even picked up on that.

Overall, my favorite part about this whole thing was the dream, and I honestly do agree with others reviewers that mei mei and jie jie kind of softened the story a lot. You know that names are important and they do really make a difference, so I guess this one apparently made an impact on the tone.

Overall, it's a promising start to your novel, and with a little bit of cleaning up, it could be much better! That's all I have for today, also if you don't mind let me know how this new format that I tested out worked for you as an author. I would appreciate some feedback on this new type that I'm just playing/toying around with. And if you have any questions, then you know where to find me.

Until next time,

~P.S.

Apricity says...

Heyo~ thanks for the review! I'm sorry I didn't reply to this sooner I had no idea you reviewed this until I went and changed something... Anyways, thank you so again for the points you've mentioned they're all very valid points that I will definitely keep in my mind as I rewrite this chapter (because I will.)

I actually played with this type of reviewing a while back too, it's a good format because it tells the author what comes under what category. One thing you should watch out is that each category should be tailored to every work, otherwise you run the risk of having cookie-cutter reviews. Otherwise, I think you're doing great. Not that you aren't already. xD

Pretzelstick says...

Thank you! I'm trying my best to not make it cookie-cutter but more natural. Still experimenting but I think that RED and TeamTortoise is a great opportunity to adjust.

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Sat Jan 30, 2016 2:45 pm

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ErikaHale wrote a review...

To begin with, I'd like to congratulate you on your word choice. The language is complex but not too much. It helps deliver the emotions of your story perfectly.

The dream made me misty eyed. So well were your descriptions and dialogue. It made me think of what my life would be like without my loved ones, and how awful that would be. Very well done!

Next, I love the names "Mei mei' and "Jei Jei". They make the story seem brighter and just give it a lovely twist.

In conclusion, this is an incredible piece of work. Tear jerking, re comforting and simply awesome. Like I said, very well done!

Apricity says...

Thanks for your kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Sun Jan 17, 2016 8:45 pm

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Sins wrote a review...

Yo, 'sup.

Just a pre-warning, even before my hiatus (one of many, I'm awful, I know) my reviews were extremely disorganised and occasionally non-sensical, so I worry this may be ten times worse. If I make little sense at any point during this or you need me to explain something more deeply, just hit me up!

Okay, so I thoroughly enjoyed this overall! I absolutely adore the mysterious vibe you've got going on, and you could take this story in so many directions. It's always fantastic when that happens because it creates a load of intrigue, and as a reader I like knowing a story could go in a variety of directions. I don't really do nit-picks because I have nowhere near enough knowledge of grammar to justify critiquing anyone else's, but I did notice you had some phrasing issues every now and then. It was nothing horrendous at all, and it didn't take away from the story, but it did catch my eye occasionally. A good example is in the very first paragraph:

The type of silence that could be chased away laughter and chatter and the safe cocoon of a loved one.

I'm guessing you've just forgotten the by here, but I'd suggest reading through this with a fine-tooth comb (not literally, it might scratch your computer screen) and checking every sentence in case of mistakes like this. If you're ever unsure of if something sounds right, don't be afraid to speak it out loud. I always find that reading my writing out loud can help me spot those cheeky awkward sentences that were hiding from me.

Anywho, that little-nit-pick aside, I really loved your opening. It was interesting, descriptive (but not too much), and very intriguing. I immediately wanted to know more, and you set up the overall mood of the chapter very well via this paragraph. I was catapulted into this world you've set up, so a massive thumbs up to you on that! Your characters seem pretty interesting as well, so I look forward to hearing more about them. I don't really feel much of a connection to them at the moment, in all honesty, but I will hold back on that because it's only the first chapter! I'll give ya some time

I think the main issue I had with this was that I ended the chapter feeling a bit... confused. Now I will hold my hands up: I am quite literally the most easily confusable person you will ever meet, so this may be 100% me being an idiot. I also realise that in some ways, that's probably the point of this because you want to be mysterious. You have to be careful though with this kind of writing because while mystery is awesome, you've got to be sure not to be so mysterious that you confuse your slower readers (aka me). The dream is fine, I'm totally down with that. I'm assuming Mei Mei is your main character's sister, right? And there's some weird stuff going down, as hinted at in the dream. That's cool, that's chill. This is where I started getting confused though:

Even after mei mei was admitted into hospital, we always celebrated it with her and all the nurses and doctors would greet us with a smile that was torn between pity and happiness. Until this year, when she was admitted into hospital too.

You say Mei Mei was admitted into hospital, but then go on to say when 'she' was admitted too. Now this could be me being 100% dumb, but who is 'she'? The rest of the chapter suggests 'she' may be Mei Mei... but you said she's already in hospital, so you've got one confused Skins here. Then I figured, as the girls' mother isn't there, maybe 'she' is their mother? If so, maybe specify that? You may have done this for the mystery, but for me personally it's a bit much... This is a pretty mysterious piece of writing already, so you've got to be careful not to go overboard.

Oh, also, this may be me being even more dumb, but I can't figure out if Mei Mei is alive or not... I want to say she isn't because you note how your main character always celebrated NYE with her in hospital, and she's not this year... so that implies no longer with us, right? I can't be sure though, that's the thing. Mei Mei says in the dream how it's only been 24 hours since they last saw each other, which suggests she is still alive... but then I guess she could've died 24 hours ago. But then again, I'm sure your main character mentions having these dreams a lot, which again suggests she's still alive and kicking. I'm just a little confused!

That's all I really have to say, I think. All of my confusableness (which is 100% a word, okay) aside, I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. Said confusablesness (still a word) may largely be down to me being an idiot, but I do think an element of what I said is true, at least. Mystery is great, but you've got to be careful not to go too far. Anywho, I'm definitely into the story you've got going here now and would love to read more, so if you post more be sure to hit me up! If I've made no sense whatsoever with this review, please don't hesitate to give me a nudge and ask for some clarity. An awesome job overall, well done!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Apricity says...

Hey! Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it, yeah I get what you're saying. It is confusing (because I suck at writing dreams and reality together). But to clear things up a bit, it's the main character's sister and mother who's been admitted into hospital. Unfortunately I can't explain anything more without spoiling the rest. ;-;

Thank you again for your time! c:

Sins says...

No worries. Ah that makes sense, I thought it might've been that. I apologise for being such a confusable person

Be sure to let me know when the next chapter is up!

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Wed Jan 06, 2016 9:54 pm

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Blues wrote a review...

yooooooooooooooo what’s up

I haven’t written a review in ages - why do I start all my reviews like this? - but let’s do this anyway.

Nice start. You repeat ‘latter’ though and it’s a bit awkward.

Someone told me that there were two types of silences in this world: the type of silence that could be chased away by laughter and chatter and the safe cocoon of a loved one; or/and the passive silence cold as the bottom layer of snow, unwilling to move, unable to move whilst the world moves on.

Or something like that…?

It was the latter that settled on my bones and weight it down with an aching loneliness that sloshed back and forth between the canals of my heart without signs of receding. The fireworks outside casted fleeting strands of light in my apartment, outside the cacophony of voices joined the explosion as they welcomed the new year.

This feels a bit long and a bit wordy (and confusing). The impact of the longer sentences in the previous paragraph isn’t as strong as a result.

Nian gaooooooooooo - I’ve never had it but it sounds great and I want some.

Also a few grammar issues a reread won’t fix.

Even after mei mei was admitted into hospital, we always celebrated it with her and

all the nurses and doctors would greet us with a smile that was torn between pity and happiness. Until this year, when she was admitted into hospital too.

So when her sister was in hospital again?

Okay - I really liked this. I’m quite intrigued to see what happens next, particularly as nothing is quite clear at the moment. I get the sense that this is quite personal in a way, as well - personal to you as an author which I quite liked as well. I also liked the MCs voice as well. But onto the real meat of review!

I feel like there wasn’t enough sensory description in the dream. I feel like you could have really used that to really create some kind of atmosphere - we already know something’s not quite right but we don’t feel unnerved by anything. I want to feel slightly dazed by it. Perhaps remove some references to the dream and we’re only told it’s a dream later on? It’s a bit obvious it’s some kind of dream anyway…

If you do that, you could get rid of the “something is wrong” line which I think spoils it a bit. or this:

My instincts told me no, this was the part where everything goes wrong, the part where all the strings

We can already get a sense of that through the actual description. Don’t worry about the pace slowing down - the pace is already good but slower won’t hurt either. Slower and eerier.

And that’s it, I guess. I feel like you can be a little experimental with this - it doesn’t feel like we’re in the story yet but there’s something very intriguing about this and I think you can go with it a bit.

Keep going! I want more.

~Bluesy

Points: 1053
Reviews: 133

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Wed Jan 06, 2016 1:52 pm

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ShakespeareWallah wrote a review...

yo.

The second line’s ok. The “and” before “chatter” gets the confusion going. You could just reword it to prevent further head scratching. You could, ’cause it doesn’t look like it’s one of those sentences that has to be said in that order.

I read the sentence: “The fireworks outside casted fleeting strands…” and initially I thought “casted” wasn’t a word (Urban Dictionary also jokes about it not being so), but then I did some internet clicking and, turns out, it is a word, but sorta old-fashioned (though catching on). I don’t know if you’re jumping on the “bandwagon” (though I have doubts whether it actually is making a comeback or not) or want to use the “-ed” for some other reason or that it sounds better for you. “-ed” or not, it’s correct, so you’re good. I mention this cause “cast” seems more “normal sounding”. At least to me.

I’ve learnt that a long time ago, even so it wasn’t meant to be like this.

why do you have that part italicized?

Until this year, when she was admitted into hospital too.

Maybe this is just me, but for like a minute I couldn’t understand this. I thought the “she” here was Mei Mei. But it was the mother, right? Wasn’t clear enough for me.

…and so I had sat on the sofa. Ate last night’s leftovers and steamed a year cake…

Don’t cut a sentence when you can throw in a comma, unless you’re going for some emphasis which justifies it.
*

So she’s in one of those i-know-I’m-in-a-dream dreams? Since she knows “company wouldn’t be far away”, you could expand a bit here and talk about the “longing” of the character for Mei Mei and how that is, to a degree, being fulfilled (or not) with meetings with her dream version. I suggest this since the chapter starts with you talking for about two paragraphs, telling the reader how you feel, but then the dream eats away a lot of that with its “sit-beside-me-while-i-get-all-mysterious-and-stuff”. A little more talking about the narrator’s “longing” could even it out. This is only a suggestion though.

…this dream the tree bare the ribbons we tied on every new year.

bear?

I ruffler her hair and pulled her tight against me

I’m so rufflering my hair now. I have nice hair.

I have nothing more to say about this, you’re talented and all, but you already know that. There’s nothing really wrong with this. It’s a good chapter. I don’t think it has as much as content as I want a chapter to have. But you know what you’re doing. Good luck!

Apricity says...

~~I'm so nice aren't I replying like three weeks later~~. A very belated thanks now that I have my mind back to reality again, by the way, what kind of content do you want to see?

ShakespeareWallah says...

~~more sex-scenes~~
lol what i meant when i said "I don%u2019t think it has as much as content as I want a chapter to have." i meant that as a chapter it seems, well, slim, and you could use a bit more meat.

Points: 72
Reviews: 28

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Sun Jan 03, 2016 6:08 pm

SemperAugustus wrote a review...

Hi,
I liked the writing of this chapter. Though at the start, the descriptions feel very dramatic and pulls away from the story. I understood that the interaction is between an older and a younger sister, though I'm not sure everyone would catch that. Also, the dream sequence seems to really dominate the chapter. I would try to balance it more with actions from the real world.
The change from italic to normal font is a nice touch.

Points: 15691
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Sun Jan 03, 2016 5:06 pm

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Dreamy says...

Mei Mei reminded me of Sheldon's 'Me maw.'

The first sentence of the first paragraph is what made me read this chapter. But, the second sentence to there-on felt pretty heavy. I would have liked to see the same subtlety as of the first sentence maintained, even through out. Maybe it's just me. Nevertheless, I'm hooked.

NOTE: this is a comment so it shall be treated as one.:p

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