Young Writers Society

Hello Hippyhoodrat,

I'm here to give you a review so buckle up because we're in for a ride together. First off, I'd like to say that I think you've got a good refrain going on here. You're working with it so that it sounds like it evolves over time even though it says the same thing each time we see it. I think this is a very good thing in your poem and I like to see that. Keep it up.

I think this poem could use some work on a few specific things. The main thing I think you can improve on is saying things in a unique way that no one else can say with the same conviction as you. I think what this poem is lacking is the exact details that give a poem a living feel. It comes from the imagery we present the readers about the situation and develops through the poem into a concise idea of what exactly is going on. Basically, you're tying to show things like "oversized sweaters" but that doesn't really show us the sweaters. You say they're oversized, but what does the reader get from that? What can a reader see about an oversized sweater about the character of the individual or the development of their relationship? Why are these sweaters so important they actually made it into the poem and how do they end up with "thoughtless words?"

In that way I think you're missing some details that we really need to know if we want to get into the poem in depth. Right now we have the oversized sweaters, but what happened that they are the thing that stick out in our protagonist's mind when they think about their loved one? How does that become a symbol of them?

For more on imagery, you can check out this resource we have on YWS. It goes over the differences of how to use imagery and how to develop your imagery as well. I think you'll like it. Imagery

I think that would probably be the main thing I'd tell you to focus on because imagery is a large thing to deal with and something that doesn't come quickly. It takes practice. I'd suggest, if you want practice, write this poem again, but just focus on the imagery. Don't think about refrains or sounding pretty, just try to focus on how to make it a vivid image of what your main character is experiencing sort of like you do with the glass, but more to it. Just use one image and develop that image into a poem.

If you do take my challenge, I'd love to see the results! Post them up and send me a link <3

Aley

Hullo! I'm going to start with some line-by-line comments and then try to give you a few overall thoughts at the end.

Specifics

1. It's difficult to know from the first line if you mean God or if this is in reference to someone else. I'm not sure if there's a better way of opening into it which will make that clearer but thought I'd highlight the ambiguity. It seems the rest of the stanza is referring to an actual person so maybe just having the first word not be god - you could use something like 'How you piss me off' or a mild swear like hell or damn?

2. The 'crooked smile' and 'broken apologies' are slightly over used images. Maybe think of something else which could be crooked like their laugh or their heart and maybe their apologies are shattered or stuttering instead?

3. The next few sections are nice but then we come back to the refrain and you have 'warm hugs' and 'rough hands' and 'angry words' which are again all very over used. Try to mix it up again and think of things which are unique to this situation, this person. Does he/ she have worker's hands from being a manual labourer or perhaps the hugs are protective or the words spiked.

4.

You love me in a way that reminds me of broken glass

You hurt me in a way that reminds me of air
My lungs can't taste it anymore

Hey!

Nice job on the start for this poem. I love the repetitive beginning as a theme that comes in each stanza. I think it does a great job keeping everything together. If I had something that I would recommend is through your descriptions, try to create some sort of small storyline, or try to tell a bigger picture throughout the poem. You do a great job creating small little images with each stanza but if you flow them together it would be even better.

When you take the next steps with this piece of writing make sure to idolize the best word choice possible. Not saying that any words are "bad" but if you go back and look at things again, stop and go word for word and think what one word would make the biggest impact on the poem.

Nice job though. It really is creating a good image, and I would love to read it again someday if you choose to touch on it some more!