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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Language

Hey lady , thee and thy (first 1/2 )

by Himanshitripathi


1) Hey lady , what pleasure it is to love thee ?

Thy dress and ladily breasts are brooched rosely,

to depict thy lover is a royal one . Hey lady , the royal one !

Thy charm expresses the affections flattened over you ,your father's heart mentions you ,

Hey lady , the beloved one !

2) Thy gloves and hat and umbrellas stared blue in dark and shine , tells the pleasure you are ,

Hey lady , the gorgeous one !

Ya lying in the lap of turfs greenish , thy frills red and heavy ;

Eyes worldly hazel , eyebrows high and thin and the rosy lips and cheeks tell thy elegance .

Hey lady , the beautiful one .

3) Thy sweetheart , humbleness, lavish heart ; arms that keep in pitty worth hearts and souls , express thy humanity - lingering soul .

Hey lady , the godly one .


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44 Reviews


Points: 897
Reviews: 44

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Tue Feb 23, 2016 6:22 am
EmmVeePi wrote a review...



Okay so poetry is good. Ancient style poetry is great. Sometimes I myself attempt poems in the ancient Norse Eddic style.

I think formatting is an issue here although I cannot really know what you are going for so I cannot say, it just looks like prose.

I dont really care for the phrase 'Hey Lady' it just doesn't sound pretty to me but I guess thats personal taste. However: I do really like how you follow up 'hey lady' with a different description after each use.

Third to last line you use the word 'worth' and I think it should be 'worthy'. Also 'pity' has only one 't'

There are good bones here I think. However I personally feel like it needs quite a bit of work.

Good luck, keep working hard!

PM me with any questions or comments regarding my review.




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346 Reviews


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Sun Jan 03, 2016 6:11 am
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Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Hello Himan (for short). Pretzel is here for a review. As I have already said before, Welcome to YWS! Glad to have you posting your first work on here and thank you for following my suggestions and posting a first and second half ;P-although I think that the word "first" in your title is making it a bit too long. (1/2) should be enough because numbers always stand by themselves in meaning.

Let's get on into it, shall we>

One thing that I really liked about this, is that you portrayed a constant theme throughout this poem. I feel like you were describing thou lady, and playing around with different image in different ways, which is definitively a good start with experimentation with poetry. I can't wait to see where that takes you.

First of all, let's talk a little bit about the format here. I know that as a new user, the formatting of a poem might be a little tricky at first. The struggle in the Publishing Center is totally real, so there is an absolutely great article that I would definitively direct you towards that explains all of these methods in details: How to Format Poetry
So if you choose to fix your formatting this way, you will no longer have to write the number to mark/indicate the stanzas because it will be obvious by the line breaks that will be provided.

You have a repetitive structure, which I do have to admit that it is admirable to have this. Yet, I find that having this repeating line: "Hey lady, the ________ one" is getting a little boring pretty fast. The reason being, is that once a very wise poet told me something like this: "don't use as many adjective, use more precise and exact verbs and nouns." And I tend to agree with this, especially in poetry because I try to visualize action much more than just adjectives that sometimes fall flat when they feel quite forced, like in this instance.

I feel like I don't really know this lady more personally as a character. As short as a poem might be, you have build quite a lovely but very much cliche women that is molded into cookie-cutter style with seemingly nothing unique about, just her perfections. Oh, she must have some flaws as well, and I would just hope that the next part might be about all of the bad things that she does/is in her life, just to balance this "blind love and praise" thing that going on here. My suggestion would be to explore her opposite side for the purpose of character-building if you haven't already.

I will put all of the nitpicks and quote into a spoiler for space and length sake:

Spoiler! :
Hey lady , what pleasure it is to love thee ?


So, I think that you also have a problem with basic punctuation and spaces. I used to have this problem where I never left a space between the period in my sentences, and that was a horrible writing habit that I had to break. But right now, you have double spaces before and after the commas and period and question marks, etc. All that is required is that you only have one space after the mark, because the before one makes it seem a bit invalid to be perfectly honest. So it could/should look like this:

"Hey lady, what a pleasure it is to love thee?"

I would suggest that you go and fix this is each and every of your lines just to make it more clear. I'm kind of confused by your question mark at the end of this sentence as well. Why is it there if this line doesn't even seem to be a question-like to me?

Thy dress and ladily breasts are brooched rosely


Ok, so although I will attempt to correct these three misspelled words in blue (since I am a grammar freak) I just felt like pre-warning you to always always always spellcheck your work before posting it anywhere public, just so reviewers so tediously don't have to correct every little typo that you make.

ladily= could be either lady or lady-like
brooched= i think that you meant broached
rosely= it's spelled rosily

to depict thy lover is a royal one . Hey lady , the royal one !


So, I noticed that all of your lines are capitalized, which is perfectly fine with me, as you are the author of this poem, and you obviously get to decide all of your own rules. And, as you will see around yws, a lot of beautiful poets choose to keep all of their lines lower-case so that the poem flow better. And I have to point out this inconsistency, capitalize the T in "to" so that it's the same as all of the other lines before.

Secondly, why do you repeat "royal one" two times? I was confused, who is the royal one, the lady or her lover? Or both? I suggest that you would cross one out for the sake of clarification for the reader to know. Also, shouldn't the phrase "hey lady, the royal one" be on it's own separate line, just like i has been in all the other stanzas so far? There again it pops up, that thing about consistency that I was talking about.

Ya lying in the lap of turfs greenish


I don't think that "ya" is really matching to the very formal tone of "thee" and "thou" that much. I would just make a quick switch to "you" in it's place, so that it doesn't stick out as a sore thumb like it does now.

mentions you

stared blue in dark and shine


Here is an error in the tenses. You have to decide, do you want to write in present tense or past tense, and then stick with it. Here you are skipping around with the verbs for at least half of the poem already, and that's bothering my grammar-freak inside, because again, you have to edit and change all of them to be at one tense or another. It's you choice.

express thy humanity - lingering soul .


I generally hate and try to avoid dashes at all costs in poetry, the reason being is that they kind of seem to really disrupt the flow here. Like, this was a tender moment/line here, probably my favorite one of them all, and you had to break it with a dash that honestly seems harsh here. I believe that a comma would suffice.

Hey lady , the gorgeous one !

Hey lady , the beautiful one .


Don't you think that those two adjectives have a very similar, or almost the same meaning? At this point in stanza two, it seems like you have run out of words that are actually fitting to describe this lady. If she supposedly is so good and all of this, she should have many more virtues, yes?

Thy sweetheart , humbleness, lavish heart ; arms that keep in pitty worth hearts and souls , express thy humanity - lingering soul .


A semicolon is not needed here, because it isn't two complete thoughts, rather one that flows into another one. A comma would be enough. Also the blue word is spelled "pity" with only one "t" in it.


Okay, so you rated this 16+ for language right? Well judging with the content here, I don't really think that this should be rated in this way. The reason why, is that many people on YWS are below that age, and if you want to attract more reviewers or even just normal viewers, than I would just definitively recommend leaving it at all ages, because I definitively think that it would be fine~

Overall, there is some potential in this poem, because I like the idea of the old-fashioned words and such. I hope that this harsh review didn't dishearten you, because I only truly wish to help you improve so that you polish your work to make it look better and better and grow as a writer in general. If you would edit this piece, I would be very glad and willing to take it on again and look through it, just let me know. Also if you have any questions, you know where to find me.

Keep on writing!

~P.S.



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As you have addressed it as a " HARSH REVIEW " , it really is NOT so. Instead I am glad that you have helped and guided me through . Thanks a lot for your humble concern and review . And as far as your valuable suggestions are to go , I will definitely follow those . Thanks once again .



Pretzelstick says...


You're very welcome. I will definitively be happy to go through the second part if/when you decide to post it when you have enough points. Keep you updates (you can tag me when it's here!)




Man is by nature a political animal.
— Aristotle