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Young Writers Society


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Kinetic Crusade Chapter 9 Incinerate City

by Hikarufire64


We had finally made our way to the end of the jungle after leaving Gemini Village with Kipper and as we stepped over the last bush of the Jungle, we saw our next destination. A canyon entrance that was covered in coursing and jumping flames and the wide open land itself beyond the canyon was a burned grayish wasteland with ashes blowing in the wind and specks of ember flowing through the air as if a volcano was nearby. In the far distance was a giant Volcano with a radiant fiery glow at the top and trailing down the side of the Volcano.

“Mount Mawr, the last medallion is just ahead.” I said quietly to myself. Marl walked a few steps ahead of me and sat on a large flat rock.

“Well this is it; the last medallion is over there somewhere.” A rock rolled past my foot and I turned to see Rick kicking rocks in the destined direction.

“Hard to believe we left our homes only weeks ago and now we're finally here, it's almost a month now and I gotta say it's been a long journey.” Rick said lowly. I nodded along with Marl and Kipper.

“Well we better get going before it gets dark.” I stretched and yawned before the four of us walked through Canyon entrance. I felt the heat of the flames against my skin start to intensify as we kept walking through the canyon, and what I thought was sweat on my skin at first felt more like a melting layer of ice dripping down my skin but it was keeping me cool so far.

“Hey, Hikaru are you ok?” Marl's voice said with concern.

“I'm fine, it's just this heat is making me sweat more than I do in gym class. Marl laughed a little and we both turned to Rick who was drenched in sweat.

“I tried to use the wind to cool me off but it turned into hot air instead, We gotta get out of this heat soon, I don't think even Kipper can stand all this heat.”I looked around to see how Kipper is holding up but he is nowhere to be seen, I felt a sudden shuffle in my backpack and a hard kick to my back. “Ow what the hell!,” I shouted in pain, I take my backpack and open it up to have a bursting bright light shine brightly in my face.

“Whoa what's up with your backpack?” I turned to Marl and shrugged. The light finally dies down and what was in its place was something I thought I would never see.

“What the hell happened to my backpack?” I’m met with the sight of bright green grass flowing in the breeze along with flowers on a field. “How did I get a grassy field in my backpack?” I scratched my head in utter confusion as to how a whole terrain somehow got into my backpack. “Kipper are you in here, follow the sound of my voice!” as I shouted into the bag I felt Marl and Rick stare at the back of my head as the rest of it was lodged into my backpack.

“Kipper, Can you hurry it up alre-”

“I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!” I practically ripped my head from my backpack and tumbled backwards. Out popped Kipper's head from my backpack with a sparkling object in his mouth before he eventually swallowed it.

“Seriously you really need to stop doing that; I almost fell into a pit trap yesterday because of you!” Marl peeked into my backpack and her eyes lit up in amazement.

“Wow this it amazing how did your backpack expand into an island?”

“I don't know, wait I think the Gemini Elder had something to do with it he said “here's a little gift” before I left.” Rick pulled the backpack to him to look at it. “Those Gemini sure are something.” I jumped to my feet and picked my backpack up and onto my shoulders.

“Now that we know about this pocket dimension in my backpack lets head to Mawr Mountain.”

“Yeah let's go get that last medallion!” Marl shouted as her shot fist into the air.

“Yeah let's do this thing!” Rick yelled as he shot his fist into the air.

“You ready Kipper?”

“I'm totally ready!” We both nodded at each other.

“Let's Go!” I shoutedWhat started out as a couple minutes was now turning into hours as walked across the ashy wasteland.

“Are we there yet?” I reach into my backpack, grabbed Kipper by the ears, and pulled him out.

“I've been carrying you since we started walking; you haven't even touched the ground yet!” I released my grip on his ear and let him drop to the ground.

“Why haven't we reached the Mountain yet?” I heard Marl whine.

“I wish my Nimbus was here to fly us there. A silence fell over the four of us before Rick took his index finger and thumb and whistled for his Nimbus that appeared before us. We climbed aboard and we shot off into the air, though the wind was still warm it felt good to give my feet a rest.I shifted over to the edge of the flying cloud and let my legs and feet hang over the edge, as I let the wind hit my pain throbbing legs I noticed Marl sitting on the other corner. I slid over to her and lightly tapped her shoulder.

“Rick I swear to god if you try to crack on me one more time, I'm gonna slug you right over the edge!”

“That wouldn't be a smart thing to do; Rick is the only person that can fly a Nimbus cloud.” I replied.Marl almost jumped off the edge when she realized that it was me who was talking and looked at me annoyed. “Hikaru are you crazy you almost made me jump of the cloud and out of my skin!”

“Sorry, I got a bad habit of sneaking up on people.” I said apologetically as I spun a piece of cloud around my finger.

“Well you're lucky it's just a habit you can change something like that.” Her voice started to sound sadder than her more enthusiastic tone of voice.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Nothing, just me talking.” She said trying to shake off something.I shrugged and continued to watch the dust clouds zoom by.

“Hey Hikaru?” Marl asked in a shy tone.

“Yeah Marl?” I replied.

“If you learned something terrible about me and everyone else wouldn't want to be my friend anymore, would you still be my friend?” I paused for a moment, and then looked back at her.

“What kind of question is that?” I asked.

“I know it's a dumb question you don't have to answer it.” She said a bit sad.

“No I mean, why even ask that question, I'll still be your friend no matter what you did.” Marl's sadness seemed to disappear and replaced with a beautiful smile.

“Wow thanks Hikaru, I never had a close friend like you.”I felt happier as she called me a close friend and smiled back at her. “No problem, we are in this together!” “Duck!” Kipper suddenly screamed. We laid flat on the Nimbus in anticipation of what was to come but only a cool gust of air whooshed by us. “What was that for Kipper?” I asked slightly lifting my head up.

“Wait not duck, I meant to say-” A huge flaming rock suddenly shot through the nimbus turning into a puff of gas as we fell to the ground. I hit the black rocky ground Hard and the pain from the fall was all throughout my sides, I felt the thuds of Marl, Rick and Kipper as their bodies hit the ground close to me. “...Incoming...” Kipper groggily groaned.A large shadow covered the already black ashy round and I lifted my head to see a monstrous Golem with a fiery core at its chest with jagged rocks sticking out of its shoulders.

“Aww crap, just when it got easy...” Rick groaned as he struggled to get on his knees. The golem roared along with two others behind it and raised its two jagged hands ready to crush us to death.

“No wait!” I shot my hands forward and concentrated on a larger shield than before. “Blizzard Barricade!” a Blue ring flames circled around us and rose from the ground curved over us and formed a large dome barrier made of Ice. “Oh thank goodness.” I sighed in relief.The Golem slammed his fists on the Dome in attempts to shatter it to pieces but luckily to no prevail.

“Now that, that's taken care I have to figure out a way to get rid of these Golems.”

“Hell Knuckle!” a Irish like voice echoed, I suddenly heard a loud crack, which I thought was the Barrier breaking but when I lifted my head to check a Red and White boxing glove shot through the Golem's chest and through its burning core.

“Or that could happen, I'm happy with that too.” I said a little shocked and horrified at the same time. The golem started to lean forward and soon fell forward onto the Ice Barrier and slid off slowly. The Barrier started to burn away and evaporate into smoke, beyond the smoke was a figure that looked to be near my height. I waved my hand around trying to get rid of the smoke while moving forward towards the figure.

“Hey, thanks for the help!” I called through the fog, as I walked closer, I started to realize that the figure was a little taller than I originally thought and looked to be taller than me and Rick and defiantly Marl and Kipper. The smoke finally cleared and there stood the figure, the fiery red headed figure. He stared at me for a second as I looked at his hair, which was shaped like a flame. He suddenly smirked and looked behind me. “Nice Technique.” He scoffed in his Irish accent.

“Umm oh that, uh thanks I guess, Nice punch.” I replied looking over at the golem with the giant hole in his chest.

“Thanks.” He cracked his neck and knuckles while looking dead at me.

“So what's your Element?” I looked at him confused for a while.

“My element, you mean what kind of Kinesis I have?” He started to look irritated as if I was not being straight. “I have Cryokinesis the power of Ice, why do you ask?” His smirk changed to a frown and he gritted his teeth, his red fiery eyes now ignited with rage. “You need to leave from here.” He said tightening his fists within the boxing gloves.

“What are you talking about?”I asked confused

“I said you need to Leave!” He threw a fast jab toward my face that I quickly dodged in time, He threw another incoming punch toward sides and I jumped to the side again.

“Why are you trying to punch me?” He looked at me and snarled.

“Your people aren't allowed here, you either leave or I'll make you leave!” He charged with his incredible speed leaving a plume of ashes behind him. With not enough time to counter, I thought of a quick way to evade it.

“Ice Accel!” I froze the soles of my shoes solid and slid out of the way of the incoming punch, he failed to land on his feet and hit the ground with a thud and rolled in the ashes. “So I see you've got some fighting experience,” He said as he stood back up and cracked his knuckles through his boxing gloves. “That doesn't matter; I'll beat you down and find those Medallions with the others.”

“Wait, You were told in a dream to find the medallions?!” he nodded yes.

“A voice told me that I have to locate the Medallions with three others and when I told my father he said I'm the one to lead the two and get rid of the one with the power of Cryokinesis!” His fists burst into flames and charged at me again. “Hell Knuckle!”

“Frost Fire!” I conjured up a large Frost Fire and hurled it at him just as he came in range, the two elements collided and exploded into steam.

“My father told me all about your kind!” His voice echoed through the thick steam.

“My kind, what do you mean?” I shouted back.

“You don't have pure Cryokinesis powers, it's a hybrid power.”

“What's a Hybrid power?” The steam started to evaporate and a flame flicked in the distance and began to grow larger. “Hybrid powers are made when two people with two different elements have a child, that child is born with the fusion of the two elements and in your case you were born with the Ice and Fire hybrid power that's why your fire balls are blue and have Ice effects.”

“Ember Shot!” I heard the loud sound of a bursting flame heard in the distance and my surrounds started to get hotter.“Blizzard Barricade!” I threw my hands forward and surrounded myself within a another barrier of Ice, A red light shine down on me and I glanced up to see a flaming ball of fire clash with the barrier and explode into another gust of thick steam, The fireball dispersed while my Ice Barrier burned away in blue flames.

“You might have lasted this long but you won't last much longer, Kindle Cracker!” He shot down out of the Steam with his compacted flaming fists swinging down toward me.

“Frozen Guard!” I called another shield as he came falling down, his fists collided with the shield and he was sent flying into the air after another burst of steam from the fire and ice colliding.He hit the ground headfirst and fell onto his back, I carefully walked over to where he land and stopped a few feet away.

“You aren't very tactical in a fight are you?” He rolled to the side and attempted to stand up but failed and fell back to his knees.

“Your ancestors always relied on tactics and brains to win their battles and hid behind their ice made machines to fight their battles like cowards!” He barked back.

“And by the way you fight, your ancestors weren't smart enough to know when to block a hit and when to Try and hit!”

“That's it, no Powers, no weapons just you and me one on one!” He growled“Alright, if you want a fight lets fight!” I replied dropping my Shinai and tapping the tips of my shoes to the ground; He took off his boxing gloves, dropped them on ground, and cracked his knuckles.

“Let's get this over with!” I ran towards him and landed a jump kick to his chest sending skidding across the ground on his heels.

“Nice try, now it's my turn!” He came charging back and hit me with a painful left hook, cheek felt like it was burning in fire from the punch.

“Try this one!” I ran up to him and tried to hit him in the side with a roundhouse kick but he caught my foot before it hit.“I guess my father was right; you do need your ice machines to fight.” He threw a right hook, struck my other cheek, and left a worse burning sensation than before. “You probably don't even know how to fight without any weapons of powers do you?” I felt my anger building up, I stood back up from the last punch, and charged at him again, He threw a strong straight punch that I dodged just in time and zipped behind him.

“I may not be born to fight physically but I can try!” I jumped on his back with both of my feet and kicked as hard as I could, he collided with the ground and skidded across the ground with my footprints on the back of his red zip up vest. “I guess I did pretty well for a coward huh?”He slammed his fist into the ground and growled. “You got lucky this time but the rest of this fight won't go your way!” We glared at each other with one thought in mind, which was to end this fight as soon as possible, We ran at each other at our fastest and threw one last attack I threw an aerial kick as he threw a cross punch and we collided with each other. His Fist was dug deep into my cheek while my heel was twisting into his cheek, when we hit the ground everything suddenly went dark, I was going in and out of consciousness and only saw a few changes in my surroundings before I completely black out. When I woke up I found myself in an old looking house on a bed, I sat up in the bed and saw Marl sitting at a dresser fixing her hair up.

“Hey you're finally awake, after three hours of swinging your fists in your sleep.” She said nonchalantly, I noticed bandages on her arm and leg as she sat at the dresser.

“What happened, and where's Rick and Kipper and that Kid with the red hair!” I said as I started to panic a little.

“Rick and Kipper are out trying to find out more information on the last Medallion.” There was a knock at the door and Marl went to answer it.“That red headed kid is named Leon.” An older voice replied I looked around the room and then felt a tap on my toes; I almost jumped out of my bed and my skin when I realized there was an older woman at the end of my bed.

“W-who are you?” I asked shaking in fear.

“Sorry to startle you dear, welcome to Incinerate City I'm Dr. Ember I found you and your friends along with Leon out cold outside of the city, luckily I found you before some monsters did.” I nodded with a smile. “Thank you, I didn't think the people of this city accepted people of other powers.” She sighed and looked at her check board.

“We do but, Leon's father is still obsessed with the war that happened years ago and raised Leon as if the war was still happening and treats everyone of a different race as enemies.” Her tone of voice started to sound sadder as she went on to explain. “Something happened to Leon's father during the war that scarred him for life and he lost his trust and care for others of a different race and species and now treats them as the enemies of the city, he even raised Leon to be that way.” My mind had stop when she mentioned that he was sweet and kind and before I could ask about that Rick and Kipper burst through the door and pushing Marl out if the way.

“Hikaru we gotta hurry you know that kid with the red hair, someone told me that he was going up to Mawr Mountain to take the city's Medallion we have to get the before him!” Kipper pushed past with a rolled up scrappy looking paper.

“We found a way into the Volcano Mountain thing so let's beat the human lighter before he reaches there Hikaru!” Dr. Ember stood up quickly with a frantic look. “You three have to stop Leon before he gets hurt, the monster there are strong and attack viscously, and he won't make it out alive you have to reach him before they do please!” She pleaded to us with tears streaming down her cheeks. I pulled of the covers and grabbed my shoes from the side of the bed and by backpack hanging on the head on the bed along with my goggles

“Don't worry Dr. We'll get Leon back as soon as possible, let's go everyone it's time to get that last Medallion and a total jerk!”


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94 Reviews


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Sun Feb 26, 2017 7:28 pm
deleted868 wrote a review...



Hello there on this marvelous Review Day! I'm going to give you a few suggestions about this chapter of yours!

First off, you have a few typos in this, such as "'Don't worry Dr!'" Doctor should be spelled out. I recommend you carefully read this to find some of the mistakes. They don't really distract the reader. But you should try to make your story as smooth as possible for readers!

Secondly, you have a couple of really large paragraphs in this. Large paragraphs can turn off potential readers. All you need to make sure you do is start a new paragraph every time a different character speaks, and to be able to distinguish between different characters when they're having a conversation.

Lastly, I like your battle scenes a lot, but I think you need to balance out how much action and dialogue you include with the overall adventure-style of this story.

Overall, this has an interesting enough plot, but with a few tweaks, it could be a much better developed story! Good luck with future writing, and I hope this helped!




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:26 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



I'm baaaaaaaaaack.

Okay, so to start with: remember when I said something about how it felt like they were using their powers too frequently (given the vague limit you set) because everything seemed to be happening so close together?

Let's talk about that!

Take for example this sentence.

shoutedWhat started out as a couple minutes was now turning into hours as walked across the ashy wasteland.


In a single sentence, you tell us they've been walking for hours. By now they must be exhausted, hungry, thirsty, irritable, getting on each other's nerves, so on and so forth, but all we get is "a couple of minutes was now turning into hours." Which is actually more than we get for the rest of this chapter and the previous one in terms of time passing! Like when the slug that had *just* been immobilized was suddenly gone, off somewhere in the forest. Or when they *just* left Gemini Village but somehow have already all but reached Mount Mawr.

I know the traveling bits might not be the most exciting parts, but we need them to help slow down the pace. They don't have to be long or important, but at least a paragraph here and there to let us know that time is passing. As things stand right now, it feels like things are happening one directly after another like a crazy rollercoaster ride with magic powers.

The other thing that got me about this chapter was Leon. I don't mind him being there, but it's a bit odd that he went from saving their lives to immediately hating on them because his father says their kind of people is bad. It was just a weird conversation to have on the lip of a volcano immediately after saving someone's life. Also, trying to beat someone up immediately after saving their life is a little weird. I mean, it's cool if he saves them but is then unfriendly/distant/whatever, but continually telling them how awful they are along with getting into a fight with Hariku is a little much.

Finally, look out for dialogue!

“Wow thanks Hikaru, I never had a close friend like you.”I felt happier as she called me a close friend and smiled back at her. “No problem, we are in this together!” “Duck!” Kipper suddenly screamed. We laid flat on the Nimbus in anticipation of what was to come but only a cool gust of air whooshed by us. “What was that for Kipper?” I asked slightly lifting my head up.


Whenever a different character speaks, start a new paragraph. Like so.

“Wow thanks Hikaru, I never had a close friend like you.”

I felt happier as she called me a close friend and smiled back at her. “No problem, we are in this together!”

“Duck!” Kipper suddenly screamed. We laid flat on the Nimbus in anticipation of what was to come but only a cool gust of air whooshed by us.

“What was that for Kipper?” I asked slightly lifting my head up.


I only point this out because I used to do it all the time. Although for the most part you seem to have this down.

P.S. I totally wondered if the cloud was going to evaporate due to being so close to a Very Hot Volcano and then it totally did and I was like, "SCIENCE."

Oh, right, and then I almost forgot that part I wanted to mention.

“Hey Hikaru?” Marl asked in a shy tone.

“Yeah Marl?” I replied.

“If you learned something terrible about me and everyone else wouldn't want to be my friend anymore, would you still be my friend?” I paused for a moment, and then looked back at her.

“What kind of question is that?” I asked.

“I know it's a dumb question you don't have to answer it.” She said a bit sad.

“No I mean, why even ask that question, I'll still be your friend no matter what you did.” Marl's sadness seemed to disappear and replaced with a beautiful smile.

“Wow thanks Hikaru, I never had a close friend like you.”I felt happier as she called me a close friend and smiled back at her. “No problem, we are in this together!” “Duck!” Kipper suddenly screamed. We laid flat on the Nimbus in anticipation of what was to come but only a cool gust of air whooshed by us. “What was that for Kipper?” I asked slightly lifting my head up.


As far as characters getting to know each other goes, this made a lot more sense to me than "hey, let's all sit down and get to know each other!" Having been through so much together, Marla and Hikaru are starting to feel like good friends, but Marla has something in her past she's afraid could ruin that. So on the one hand, she wants to hide it, but on the other hand, she wants Hikaru to accept her for who she is, even the bad parts. So we get this really nice little exchange here where she almost but doesn't quite tell him, and in the meantime he assures her of his friendship.





If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing.
— W. Edwards Deming