Only A Dream

jemjive wrote:This poem is beautiful. I can tell your feelings and your hopes, and how they aren't real. It is a sort of bittersweet peice. There is happiness but at the end it adds a touch of sadness. It is like a perfect amount of everything. I really like it. I agree with Waterlilygirl in that my favorite part is also

The way you stare at me,
with your hypnotizing eyes,
I fall deeper and deeper
in love with you.

Keep writing,
-Jem

Waterlilygirl wrote:That's such a beautiful poem, the words fit together perfectly.

The way you stare at me,
with your hypnotizing eyes,
I fall deeper and deeper
in love with you.

Is my favourite paragraph! Its beautiful how you use the eyes.
Well done

ziggiefred wrote:Hello there and welcome
I like this poem a lot. I think you did a pretty good job. The ending is just unexpected. Beautiful stuff hey. I really have nothing bad to say here. Maybe the second stanza and the first should have been one, but that's my opinion, and either way is great so. I loved the last stanza, that was my favourite; then again, we all do like a little drama
Looking forward to seeing more stuff from you. Keep writing.

LastPaladin wrote:Hello I'm LastPaladin and I'll be your reviewer. I'm going to first some advice here that could be be considered a poem should have more than sweetness, it should have substance to stand up the scrutiny of reviewers like myself. Unfortunately, you neglect this and we are placed with me having to review this.

Okay, let me begin first off, you tell us everything and for the ending to be a dream it's rather contrived way of ending it. If it's a dream then dreams should be surreal, contrary to Cindrella belief's 'A dream' isn't 'A wish your heart makes' and it should dream unreal or real, it shouldn't be you thinking of a boy. Unless of course it's a day dream.

But nothing stands out about this it's usual story girl longs for boy but can only have him in dream. Pardon me if I'm not impressed, but after hearing the story all year through High School it grows a little stale.

Anyway, the main problem in this poem is you 'Tell' us everything never show us, never give us overall substance instead locking us out from any emotion to be experienced or felt. This is a common mistake with people first beginning poetry, you should work on Showing us, letting us see, be subtle not loud, whisper don't yell, ect. Use metaphors, similes and anything to make us feel the leap of your heart as he feels your hair. Take us to the emotive stage where he brings you bliss. With poetry this can all be done.

My advice is for you to read more poems on here or elsewhere and you'll soon begin to learn to differentiate between good poems and bad ones. Trust me, it takes time but great skill you should refine.

Hope this helps.

Hello I'm LastPaladin and I'll be your reviewer. I'm going to first some advice here that could be be considered a poem should have more than sweetness, it should have substance to stand up the scrutiny of reviewers like myself. Unfortunately, you neglect this and we are placed with me having to review this.

Okay, let me begin first off, you tell us everything and for the ending to be a dream it's rather contrived way of ending it. If it's a dream then dreams should be surreal, contrary to Cindrella belief's 'A dream' isn't 'A wish your heart makes' and it should dream unreal or real, it shouldn't be you thinking of a boy. Unless of course it's a day dream.

But nothing stands out about this it's usual story girl longs for boy but can only have him in dream. Pardon me if I'm not impressed, but after hearing the story all year through High School it grows a little stale.

Anyway, the main problem in this poem is you 'Tell' us everything never show us, never give us overall substance instead locking us out from any emotion to be experienced or felt. This is a common mistake with people first beginning poetry, you should work on Showing us, letting us see, be subtle not loud, whisper don't yell, ect. Use metaphors, similes and anything to make us feel the leap of your heart as he feels your hair. Take us to the emotive stage where he brings you bliss. With poetry this can all be done.

My advice is for you to read more poems on here or elsewhere and you'll soon begin to learn to differentiate between good poems and bad ones. Trust me, it takes time but great skill you should refine.

Hope this helps.

Hello there and welcome
I like this poem a lot. I think you did a pretty good job. The ending is just unexpected. Beautiful stuff hey. I really have nothing bad to say here. Maybe the second stanza and the first should have been one, but that's my opinion, and either way is great so. I loved the last stanza, that was my favourite; then again, we all do like a little drama
Looking forward to seeing more stuff from you. Keep writing.

This poem is beautiful. I can tell your feelings and your hopes, and how they aren't real. It is a sort of bittersweet peice. There is happiness but at the end it adds a touch of sadness. It is like a perfect amount of everything. I really like it. I agree with Waterlilygirl in that my favorite part is also

The way you stare at me,
with your hypnotizing eyes,
I fall deeper and deeper
in love with you.

That's such a beautiful poem, the words fit together perfectly.

The way you stare at me,
with your hypnotizing eyes,
I fall deeper and deeper
in love with you.