whatcha --> Lies can be quite harmless,
the truth they simply dress.
RubyRed --> A twist of fact, a turn of fate
that one cannot regulate
whatcha --> Other times dangerous,
twists of truth can make a fuss.
RubyRed --> And leave loved ones broken
by the terrible fables spoken.
whatcha --> Friends break apart
because of this fatal dart.
RubyRed --> Lies leave caught day after day
in a tide that won't ebb away.
whatcha --> They cause more hurt than good;
this truth has always stood.
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Canary word: Present
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
The poetry here appears to be based on some recent event in your group of friends where someone lied something which as a result had one of you break up.
Despite not being too big of a fan of this kind of poem, I'll judge this objectively as I can.
Poem has great use of metaphorical language and such, a particular favourite of mine here is the "truth they simply dress" part, it certainly sets the mood for the rest of the poem and is, once again, great use of metaphorical language. Beyond that, some of the rhymes do feel a bit forced, particularly the 2nd final one submitted by whatcha (Break apart, fatal dart). I feel as if using some slightly different language there (something I came up being "puncturing the heart", though that still is... dubious in my eyes for following that statement). Another one of these being the dangerous and fuss, which doesn't appear to rhyme, though that's likely because the place I live in generally pronounces dangerous as more of a "iss" rather then a "uss" sound.
Generally fairly good, of course can have improvements, but every piece of writing can.
Thanks for the review!
Hey! Another collaborative poem! Yay!
Okay, so the vibes I'm getting are one friend lied to another friend, and that friend group they were in fell apart because of it. I don't know - I could be wrong.
Now, I didn't see any mistakes, word or spelling and everything else wise, but I have one complaint. I can clearly tell that this poem meant to rhyme, however, some lines did not. Allow me to point them out:
Lies can be quite harmless,
the truth they simply dress.
I can tell that you were trying to write address (right?), but even with that fixed mistake, it still doesn't go very smoothly. Oh well.
Other times dangerous,
twists of truth can make quite a fuss.
These sound like two very different sentences if said out loud. It goes along in some way, like the first one, but it still doesn't go as smoothly as I know it be.
Well, that was my only complaint, everything else was great! Amazing job you two, can't wait to see more from this club!
~gxldencrxwns
Actually, I did mean dress
Thanks for the feedback!
Yay! I'm so glad you published this poem from our
poetry group
Haha me too!