Published April 20, 2010
The human psyche is a strange thing. The slightest stimuli can turn a man from a sane, respectable person, to a maniacal killer. An example of this lies in graves in Tennessee. There was a student, who we will call Smith. Now smith was a skinny, not really athletic kid. Every day he suffered taunts and humiliation at the hands of other kids, especially one group. Four long years Smith weathered the torment. Then, on Prom night, he snapped. Nobody knows what did it. His date was a very nice girl, he was going to attend Harvard, and yet something broke. The Prom was going strong when the lights cut out. The girls screamed and the guys fumbled for the switch. Then the backup generators came on and a body lay in the center of the floor. Joe lay dead with a knife in has back. The intercom clicked on and a voice began to speak. “One of you has paid for his sins and many more will die tonight. Do not try the doors. I’ve locked them all. Have a nice night. HahahaHAHAHAHA!!!!!” The cruel, maniacal laughter echoed down the halls. They were locked in the school with a murderer.
No one moved. Finally one guy decided that he had to go to the bathroom. He walked slowly down the dark halls, jumping at every sound. He thought he was safe when he made it to the bathroom. He was wrong, dead wrong. He had pulled his pants down when the bathroom door creaked open. Footsteps could be heard outside the stall. That’s when he realized his one mistake. He had forgotten to lock the stall door! Too late this crossed his mind for the door swung open with a crash. A figure stood in the shadows. The light from overhead gleamed on a .38 revolver. As he looked upon the face of the gunman, cold fear gripped his heart as recognition did his mind. The gunman smiled, and then fired.
The others heard the shots from down the hall, but nobody hurried to reach them. When they did arrive they found Frank dead, shot in the chest multiple times. The second death was completed. Now everyone was riveted by fear. Questions filled their heads like crack filled a drug dealer’s bag. Who was the killer among them? Would anyone worry if they didn’t come home? Who was next? They found their answer back in the cafeteria. jonny lay face down in the punch bowl. Drink was everywhere, showing signs of a struggle. Another corpse had piled up.
Now everyone was beginning to panic. It had begun to sink in that this was not a joke, that they were actually trapped inside the school with a killer. People began trying the door, windows, anything. Then a sound stopped them. A scream ripped through the silent halls. That’s when they realized who was missing. James was missing. They hurried down the hall but it was too late. He lay on a desk, strangled. Pure animal fear set in. The girls began screaming. That was a mistake, for their screaming covered up the murderer’s latest preparations.
They sat in fear for an hour. Since no one died within that hour they began to relax. Another mistake on their part. Eventually things went back to the Prom night atmosphere. People began to get horny. No one noticed a single couple slip away into the dark. They were Fred and Sarah went off to find a dark, quiet place. They found one in the gym. There they began groping and making out. They didn’t see the killer waiting in the dark. Sarah was the first to go. She went behind the bleachers to get out of her dress. The killer snuck up behind her and raised his knife. Fred got impatient and went looking for her. He found her but not how he expected. The killer swung a bat at his head and all went black.
Meanwhile, back with the others, the murderer was preparing his final act. The fools had relaxed and were unaware that their doom was coming. Down the hall the killer walked. He was met by an unsuspecting peer. “We thought he had got you too man. What’s with the gun?” Smith smiled and emptied the .38 into the guy’s stomach. Smith opened fire upon the crowd. Partygoers screamed and panicked as they were gunned down. The few survivors blockaded themselves in the office as Smith wandered the halls, hunting down any stragglers. One of them found the office phone and called the police. Within half-an-hour they had surrounded the building. The siege lasted several tense hours with firefights breaking the silence. Then a bullet from a SWAT sniper struck Smith in the arm. The police stormed the building and the night of terror was over.
Smith was charged with almost ten cases of murder in the first degree. He was sentenced to death by gas chamber. He now sits on death row. The bodies of Fred and Sarah were found by the janitorial staff. Sarah was behind the bleachers with her throat cut. Fred was found laying on the gym floor with his skull bashed in. The night has never been forgotten.
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140,529 Literary Works • 673,399 Reviews
This was a pretty interesting story, it kept my attention for a very long time, and I was curious to see what Smith was going to do. You have a couple sentences that you need to rephrase that some other people already pointed out. Overally it really left me a little bit freaked out, which is ALWAYS a good thing you want to have your readers feel when they read a horror story.
-Jane
This is your fellow New Age Inkling, A good story. I agree with the other post about the words that need fixing. Also, I think you should make the end longer with the cops and him getting shot. Over all a good story. keep publishing!
I am a New Age Inkling!!
Hey man, I remember seeing you write this and I just wanted to tell you that I am very glad that you have recieved such great reception. I hope more of this will come to you.
By the way, I really liked this one!
I really liked it. I did not once get the slightest bit bored. It shows that something as simply as teasing can really scar a person, and that some teenagers are VERY stupid, even in the face of danger. You could have made it more personal, maybe by using one the prom goers as a main character, having them relay the story to someone. Overall, a really good piece.
LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET
First off let me welcome you the site, I'm curious and shall be your reviewer. Second this was I won't lie but truly visionary, original and brilliant on all levels. And finally third it was a little to fast pace at the end when the police came and I spotted a few oddities so here are my suggestions in purplish-blue highlights:
I like it. I have some suggestions though that would make this just excellent. No highschool has a bathroom, it's better to use restroom and when you change it restroom don't use the word so much. I usually get my thesarus and find words that are like the word I want to use and it looks better and even sounds better.
this sentence: "They were Jonathan Ecklebury and Madrae Hightower went off to find a dark, quiet place." needs to worded differently
overall, I like this. It's a thriller and it keeps people on the edge, wanting to read more and more until the end.