Published October 26, 2011
You told me at an early hour yesterday
when the cranberry was squashed and snagged
in the gap teeth in the middle of your smile
and the freckles on your knuckles danced down
among the grasses hugging our knees with
tickle knots of twined plant fiber strings
rooted under our butts now damp with early dew
when you tugged me into a lovely embrace
i was really happy within that gesture
of something like the grass beads between toes
then the knuckles and smiles all tumbled upside down
to be something like the cranberry squashed
while you told me news i needed to hear
but at least i only know that can be argued
since you brought me closer it's unfair
telling you how happy and excited i am for the news
and pretend to admire it with warm eyes
really distracting myself with the freckles on your knuckles
and telling myself today at early hours
there are no more cranberry freckle stains to warm something
i only know broke yesterday between you and I.
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Agreed. Full stops make reading a lot easier. Unless you want it to sound rushed, like one long stream of thought. But really, it was quite distracting. I think it is really good, the opening in particular. It has great rhythm which I LOVE in poetry. The last line doesn't really make any sense, but punctuation could help that. Overall it's really good, I really like it.
The poem is quite touching and, if I may, fruitful with emotion. However, I noticed that capitalization wasn't really used. I understand that you didn't want to use punctuation, but sometimes a period here and a comma there couldn't hurt a bit. Back to capitalizing: Try to use it at those beginnings! Other than that, it was a beautiful work and I hope to see some more coming from you. Keep it up! =D