Published April 6, 2013
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Hey there, James, I'm June,
Insomnia is such a tough cookie. I feel like this poem as a whole was rather underwhelming. I liked the sandman reference, but the topic of this poem provides a prime opportunity for you to outline insomnia in vivid images. The way you describe it here seems to just skim the surface, dear, and there's much more to it than that. This tells us about the despair of insomnia, but we don't feel it, the images aren't telling us what it feels like. We know that YOU feel alone, but we don't know of the emptiness that comes with it, the frustration of not being able to get to sleep. We don't know that it feels like drowning and floating in nothingness all at once. Think of what this condition feels like, and do your best to give your audience a visual depiction of this as best as possible.
Best of luck,
June
Hey James! I'm going to give you a quick review. Insomnia is pretty awful, and it's a great concept to express in a poem. You do a good job expressing things with colors and metaphor. Watch out, try not to forget to capitalize your Is, the only instant it happens in the poem is the third line.
In the second line, 'nolonger' should be 'no longer'. In the fourth line of the second stanza, 'i'm' should be capitalized. The wording of the second line of the last stanza isn't as powerful as some of the other images. Try to replace it with something less direct. I would offer you something, but poetry is not my forte, and it appears to be yours.
Well, nice job! Your poem is very well written, aside from the typos. Work on making some more of the imagery unique. I enjoyed the Sandman metaphor. Keep up the good work James!
Hii, this is CrazyWriter!
Okay, first of all, I just love all of it, even if my mum killed me for ignoring her when she was shouting for me!
"The struggles of the day seem to test me." I love that line because to me there is a lot of emotion in it, maybe a bit of anger?
Also, the third verse really does give me an image to work with in my head, which also helps me to grasp the actual meaning of the poem. Apart from a few grammatical errors, I can't find anything to complain about! Keep writing!!