You look back , you see memories
You see ahead , there’s uncertainty
Your present ‘s actually a phase of transition
You don’t exactly know your mission
You let your heart loose
You realize u were a fool
You enjoy committing mistakes
You make decisions in a fit of rage
You redefine life’s principles
You start feeling invincible
You are said to have been changed
You feel for them the same
You set your destination
You do all the preparation
You fall for the trap
You misplace the map
You are driven by an unknown force
You fail to find the mysterious source
You are confused and amused
You look for some good news
You have always been stupid
You now realize there doesn’t exist a cupid
You have hundreds of things to think about
You are stuck coz of a million doubts
You need to realize that it’s this beautiful life
You have been living without paying any price
You have happiness all around
You have to cut off noise and listen to its sound
You see through the world’s eyes
You now have made the right choice
You never let your hopes die
You know destiny and luck are part of a lie
You grin and smile
You now can walk a million miles and no longer fragile
You stay fresh and shine like the morning dew
You are now a new You !
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
This is very fresh and unique!
It's so true that we are oblivious of the bounties of life.
However, I did pick up a few grammatical errors such as the word "you" spelled as "u"
"You realize u were a fool"
...and an apostrophe left out in the word "it's"
"You have to cut off noise and listen to its sound"
Other than that it looks good.
One other thing was that I felt that in a few areas the essence of what you were trying to say was compromised for rhyming words. That's okay in such poetry though, it comes with practice.
I wish the poem was a little more personalized but, I also respect the general air about it.
Overall i would say this is very daring and a breath of fresh air,
well done!
Hey there,
I'm Nargles and am here to give you a review on your poem.
Firstly, welcome to YWS, I hope you enjoy your time on here.
Secondly, is this your first poem you have written? Because if so I congratulate you, the first poem is always the hardest, especially to post because you are so scared. So, well done.
Now, to the review.
You have some good ideas, but you don't execute them as well as you good. That's fine, you will improve and get better the more you write, the key is to practise and learn from others.
There are a few mistakes grammatically, but I won't point them out to you, simply read through it out loud and you will spot where a comma should be or a full stop or what not.
Stuff like commas and periods aren't needed in poetry, and it does dpend on preferences and if it works with the poem or not. So you can decide if you want them or not.
This is a nice poem, but it could have more emotion, while it was good it didn't really do much for me. One way I suggest putting more emotion is through emotive language and different techniques, decide how you want the reader to feel and get out of the peom. Then make them feel this way through language. It can be hard, but it will come with time.
I don't really have a lot of time to go through specific examples and all that, but just remember to keep writing.
All the best
Nargles xxx
nice one here,lovely rhyme...makes sense,i don't have ant other thing to say,i mean i didn't find any errors in your language...but i didn't feel the poem(maybe because i was in a bad mood),but the poem didn't just carry me along,anyways,i will try to read it again,this time more carefully...nice work though...kudos